I could use some support and guidance
I'm reaching out to all of the parents of adult children here. I'm struggling. A lot. I'm struggling to live my life as I watch my 21 year old adult "child" live his. I'm struggling because he doesn't need me as much anymore - but I still need him. Or I need that relationship we used to have. I'm struggling because when he's hurting now, he no longer comes to me for help or support. I'm struggling because I know he's an adult and this is how we learn to become an adult - by venturing out on our own, doing our own things, making our own mistakes, and growing from all of it.
I know he loves me, and we've generally got a solid relationship but I'm struggling going from the mom who was there to fix everything to the mom who is on the outside now.
Parents, how did you get through this part of letting your child become an adult and live their lives without you knowing everything that was happening, and without you wanting to be involved with everything?
@thoughtfulmomma
It is a real adjustment and sometimes i find myself biting my tongue. just smile and save the wince or disbelief until after the fact.
How did you react when you were becoming independent.? .... my mom wanted total control wanted say in things even after i married and had my own it destroyed our relationship .........Too many seem to try to hold on too long.
i know we want to know what is going on we would want to be whom they seek out for advice but push that they tell you less and less and you are pushed away. i try hard to give advice in round about way mention it was something i heard etc.
@toughTiger6481
I don't recall my parents being intrusive when I was becoming an independent adult. I'm sure they probably wondered what the heck I was doing more than a couple of times. I know that this is all about me and not at all about him - this is my issue I'm struggling with completely. But, that almost makes it worse, you know? It's because I have the inability to accept how life is now that it's throwing me into some turmoil.
I know I have to let go and let him live his life - it's his! And I have to start learning how to live mine again as well. This is just extremely hard and I'm exhausted. I want to relax and be happy.
@thoughtfulmomma
I think many parents feel this i know i did too..... i found i was a bit upset that i did not knwo what i wanted to do with all the time i now had.... lol still a work in progress
@thoughtfulmomma
OMG, The Empty Nest Syndrom. I hear you Loud and Clear. Honestly, It was one of the hardest things in my life to do. I resonate with the hurt, the feelings of abandonment, and the thought that you no longer are their rescuer, problem solver, and Mom. I get you and the emotions that come with it.
It is harder than most people think. It is going to take time. It will hurt your heart. The good news is that when you have raised your child to the best of your ability, letting them go is a heartbreaking thing.
I know you were a good mom to your child, and no matter how good of a parent you were, our children have to find their place in society. Their friends become the problem solvers and the go-to person or people in their own age range. Know that you did what you were supposed to do. Raised him up with good morals and principles in life. Trust the work time and love that you put in for years. To now be put on the back burner. After he has had time to be independent for a while, they come back. If you are a religious person, I pray that God gives you the strength to know that he has your son and that your work is done. Know in your heart that your rearing taught him how to go forward and become the man that you raised. You can feel proud. They are given to us to raise and Let Go.
To your son, it's new and exciting, no longer under the rule of a mom, no matter if we had a good relationship. Independance is what they want. When this begins to get old, he will come back seeking you. Be ready, Smile.😊🙏🏽
Day by day things will get better
@WorkingitThrough2
Thank you for the kind words and support. I pray every day for God to keep an eye on my son and surround him with lots of love and protection.
Everything about being an "empty nester" is awful and I was not prepared for how tough it was going to be. No one tells you how tough this part of life is going to be. I know some day things will be better...I just hate having to wait for that "some day." I miss spending time with my son.
@thoughtfulmomma
I totally understand❤️. Any time you feel like talking, I am willing to listen and to help support through this rough period of your life. Believe me, I truly understand❤️
@thoughtfulmomma
I'm right there with you, in the empty nest (lol, if only I could truly share an empty nest with someone, it wouldn't be empty anymore).
My 20 yr old is off in college and doing independent things. He already moved out of my house after his dad and I divorced, to live full time with his dad. That was really hard, but I know that, for him, he made the right decision. He was really struggling wtih moving back and forth between parent houses. My son and I have worked hard to maintain a solid relationship. We're both trying to figure out how to best adapt to our new roles in life, him as an independent young person, me as a mom of an independent young person.
The best I can do for him is really to be there when he does want to interact. And when we see each other in person, to try to do things we both enjoy together. Sometimes I'll suggest something, sometimes he will suggest something, but much of the time outside of those get-togethers, we don't communicate at all. Maybe a quick text that says "Hi, have a good day today!" but that feels like a tiny thread of a connection.
I think about my relationship with my own mother. I couldn't wait to grow up and move out of my house and be totally independent. My mom would have loved to have much more interaction with me, and I kept running ahead into my own life. I'm grateful that she has always been there when I have wanted a maternal connection in my life, and I'm really grateful that she has freely let me do my own thing. I try to be that person for my kid as well. A strong foundation without getting in his way at all.
It's quite a balance to try to maintain, because we want both what's right for ourselves, as well as what's right for our kids. It's soooo hard to watch them fly away and discover all the hurts and pains and frustrations of life and then NOT be the one to be there when they come home again and want comfort.
I keep telling myself that my primary mission in being a parent is to raise kids that grow up to be kind, thoughtful, independent humans. You provide all the nurturing you can while you can, and then you have to let go and let them be free. That's really hard, but also (hopefully!) very rewarding.
I try to be involved in my own life, goals, aspirations, basically stay busy, and know that if he wants me, I'll make time for him. I can feel good just knowing that I'm here and letting him know that I value both his independence and also the adult relationship that we are developing with each other.
That's my long-winded series of thoughts.
@GoingInCircles365
I find it hard to be involved in my own life. What I mean is, my mind constantly goes back to my son and what he's doing, where he's at, etc. It's really terrible. I try to remain as busy as possible, but those times I'm alone, or when it's quiet, or I'm not doing anything - that's when my mind races through all of my fears and sadness.
I do have a decent support system and a best friend who has been there for me whenever I need someone to talk to. It is just going to take me a lot of time to learn that I need to let go, that I have no control over anything but my own life now, and that I am always available when my son needs me, needs a hug, some support, or a road trip away from the chaos for a while.
Thanks for posting here. It's really helpful to hear other stories and to know I'm not alone.
@thoughtfulmomma
I can definitely relate. When it's dark and quiet, especially as I'm going to bed at night or first thing in the morning, I think about my kids, hope they're okay, wondering what they're doing, etc. I hope that they reach out to me when they want to, but I can't make them, nor do I want to be pushy. I guess it takes a whole lot of trust and faith that everything is going to work out, somehow. I try to let my kids guide their own lives. I know they will make mistakes and struggle with stuff, and that's all normal and natural and part of becoming independent. It's hard to watch as a bystander, though. Just letting your kid(s) know that you are there for them and support them and love them is the best you can do, I think.
In the meantime, you can hang out here and chat with the rest of us who are dealing with the same things. 😊 😳
@GoingInCircles365
Yes, at night, in the middle of the night, in the morning.... I try to think back to when I was a twenty-something, living hours away from my parents, doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, not telling them certain things because they REALLY would not be happy. When I think back to that version of me, it all seems so "regular life." I was just living, like I was supposed to. But there was one time, in the middle of the night that I made the call home because I needed that support - and the phone was answered and love and support was given.
I guess it's just going to be a long road to learning that I'm no longer driving the car, and most of the time I'm not even going to be a passenger. But I also know I don't want to just be waiting at the end of the driveway to get picked up. I want to be living my own life while he's living his. And that's what I'm struggling with right now.
But, maybe the pain I feel now is necessary to learn to let go and let live. It stinks, and hurts like ***, but I guess if I would just "let it go" I wouldn't hurt so much anymore and I could start living the next part of my life.
@thoughtfulmomma
Like you, I try to think back to when I was that age, loving my freedom, and resenting my mom always trying to offer me "unsolicited advice" (lol) and she was just trying to do what felt right for her, trying to be my mother. I of course had NO IDEA at the time how hard it can be for a parent to let go.
I was talking wtih my mother in law recently, and she made a comment that she couldn't wait for her kids to grow up and move out so she could get back to her own life. Funny how we're all so different!
I like your analogy of no longer being the driver, and sometimes not even being the passenger. I think about the same car analogy myself. My 20 yr old is driving his own life, and I don't always love his choices, but I still love him. He has to grow up and find his own way, and he knows I'll be there in the background if and when he wants me.
My personal empty-nest strategy is to really try to become deeply involved in my own life. In many ways it feels like I'm starting all over again (I was a stay at home parent). I'm now wondering a mid-life variation of, "what do I want to do when I grow up?"
@GoingInCircles365
Yes, Yes, YES!!!! I was also a stay-at-home parent, so I was always there for my son, as well as being at all the school events throughout the years. And it's SO hard to give that up. We had 18 years of being with them, doing everything, participating in everything. And now it feels like I've been replaced by "other people" - people I don't know. Nameless people taking my son away.
Yes, that is entirely overly dramatic. But that's how it feels some days. That's MY son, not yours! lol
You're right - it is about a new life for us, and I don't know what to do. I had a role for all these years, and now it's different. My therapist (and I've read it here on 7C and online elsewhere) says that we've lost something, and when you lose something you're supposed to grieve it, and then you can move on. I guess I'm not grieving, but rather attempting to cling to something that really isn't there anymore. I have to figure out how to respect my son's path while creating and having respect for my own new path.
That's a tough one. I have so much I would like to do, but am afraid to. What if I take a trip and he needs me? What if I get angry with him so he decides to not talk to me? I'm hiding, afraid to be myself, afraid for when he's being himself.
It's a trying journey for sure, but I wish it would just be over. I just want to wake up in the morning, take a deep breath and know (and believe) that everything and everyone is okay.
Work, rest, work rest… time for resting… you’ve done the work. Take strength from the quality you instilled into them, forgive yourself some the things you wished you did differently… and get a male cat! My Elijah (the cat) was a rescue that showed up in the neighborhood and picked my house to hang around in… took him in after several years of knowing him (wished I had done it sooner). There is a blurred-line as to who rescued who!
@thoughtfulmomma
I think it may be especially challenging to transition from being a full-time stay-at-home parent to an empty nester. Your kid WAS your life for so long, and then they launch into the world to begin their own lives. Even if they're at college and still come home to visit, they're really off doing their own thing, forming their own networks, making friends that you will never meet, and hopefully finding and creating their own independent support networks.
I totally hear you, about having some sort of fear of going off to do my own thing, and then not being there if my kid needed me. Well, I guess this is also part of our adjustment as parents. We need to be independent of our children just as they need to be independent of us. It's a bit of a harsh reality.
If i'm going to be out of town and unreachable for a few days, I'll let my kids know, so they won't expect to hear back from me right away. Even if I am home, I am not sitting around looking at my phone waiting for someone to text me. I usually turn off my phone because I want to be able to focus on whatever I'm doing at the time: driving, eating, working, relaxing, cleaning my house, etc. My kids understand that. It's actually probably an unhealthy expectation that someone is always immediately available for you. It sets up unreasonable expectations. Similarly, we don't have phones at the dinner table because that's a time we focus on the people around us, and they understand and respect that as well.
Actually, if my son doesn't call me often, that's usually a good thing. It means he's staying busy doing this own things and managing his own life. Yay!!! It's a proud parent moment and something to be grateful for. How's that for a shift of perspective?
😉
@GoingInCircles365
Technology has made things worse, in a lot of ways. "Back in the day" if my mom called me at my dorm and I wasn't there (and my roommate wasn't there), the phone went unanswered. I didn't know she called, and she didn't know what I was doing. Then we get the technology upgrade for the dorm and then apartment - the answering machine. Now, even if you're not at home, someone can leave you a message. They still don't reach you, but they reach a part of you.
Now we jump into cell phone stage. If I call you, you're supposed to answer, right? Because the phone should be with you All. The. Time. And the same thing with text messages. Cell phones are really awful when I think about it. If you send a text message, you can see if it has been "delivered." If it isn't delivered, what's the problem? Is your phone dead? Why don't you charge your phone???? What's wrong???
And then there are read receipts - which I've never had on my phone, and quite frankly, glad I don't know how to turn them on. :) That would be the worst for me. When I text anyone else - any friends or family, I have absolutely no expectation of getting an immediate message back. With my son, not getting a message back quickly is the worst, and I immediately think the worst.
And the worst of all... those map tracking apps like Life360. Fine if it's mutually agreed upon, but in general - those apps hurt more than they help, I think. I've heard parents who follow their kids every move on campus and freak out when they aren't in their dorms at a specific time. And I've heard plenty of kids who leave their cell phones in their dorms and go out - maybe even with a burner phone - just to not be tracked. That's no way to live life or have a relationship for either the parent or child.
I talk with moms who don't hear from their kids for weeks. I don't know if I could handle that. lol Maybe someday when he's jet setting around the world and I'm finally just focusing on myself completely, I'll be okay with it. :)
@thoughtfulmomma
Hi, I am chatting with you elsewhere as well, but wanted to reply here as well.
Yes! I totally remember being in my college dorm, there was a phone in the hall. If my mom wanted to call me, she called that hall phone. Someone may or may not ever answer it, and if they did, maybe I'd find a note taped to my door "your mom called."
It's so different now with everyone seeming to have their own personal cellphone. My parents sent me out to play and told me to be home for dinner. Parents now send their kids out with phone that have tracker apps. It's a totally different world. I have never used a tracking app and don't want to.
It's hard to go from feeling like you know everything about your kid, knowing all their friends, knowing their friend's parents, etc... to sending them off to college. That's probably why so many people talk about the empty nest feeling. It's very real. Even with all the technology that we have, we are all still human: Parents still worry, kids still want independence.
Parenting is the hardest job in the world and if you get fired from it there really is nothing else like it.. when someone else was such a big part of your life, your purpose, reason for being in this world. Then they are gone. It’s worse than death, because the person is still around.