Why does a spouse have to make a marriage such a challenge?
I often wonder why people have to make a relationship such a challenge sometimes. I've been married a long time over 40 years and I still deal with same issues in all four decades of our marriage. Maybe it's me but I just have a hard time catering to people who seem to want to sit back and wait for you to make the first move. My wife and her family have always been that way. You walk into a family gathering and it's met with the attitude of "well you going to speak to me or not?"
I'm not trying to sound petty or anything but sometimes you just get tired of being the one who has to initiate the conversation all the time. Does anybody get what I mean? I'm actually married to someone like that and it even affects our physical relationship or the lack thereof.
I want to ask... in a marital relationship is it always up to the husband to initiate physical intimacy? I've never understood why she's that way. It's as though she could take it or leave it, and it doesn't really matter if it happens or not. She even told me one time in so many words that she figures if I wanted it, I'd come around for it. What does that even mean anyway? Are we saying "hey I can live without it but you know, if you need it, you can let me know?"
Yeah I know it's hard to believe that I've dealt with this for four decades, but it's true. And right now I've reached a point my life with I'm tired of it. On top of that my wife is passive aggressive and such an introvert it just makes it hard.
I hope it's okay to share all this. I just came to this group or forum days ago just to have a place to vent this out and to talk about it. Maybe someone else out there is dealing with the same thing and maybe we can help each other with some advice.... 😊
@Spearman60
Finally someone took courage to share and gave many a feeling they are not alone.
I had been similar situation where i took intitate and partner did the formality of giving back with me feeling un satisfy.
I always used to wonder what i am doing wrong ?
Is i am not good by look?
Or not partner standard?
Years n years passed by confused,self blame and it start reflect in my behaviour i became irritable and angry person. I tried this platform but rarely i found one good listener and reason was many thing were interlinked n intense. usually people consider beauty equal to keep your man attractive towards you always. Again i was like why i have to dressup sexy .. i had lived very simple life..being stylish not my way.(which was not good thinking because attraction is needed to some extend to enjoy in bed, spice up too)
I tried loud n clear to message multiple times what i need and expect .even tried to know what stopping him. But no answer. I closed myself. No intimacy than. It all affected My self esteem reached like ***.(again not good thinking i can't lose my self esteem by focusing on one area of failure. I had many achievements in life which i blindsided) I became silent, thinking maybe i married to wrong guy.
I don't crave intimacy i always craved whole package in relationship. As cheating i could have done without guilt because i did my best to convey what i did and waited years to happen.
I was missing what a healthy relationship have. A small small gesture of hugs,tease,care,pamper,argument and support that if you have this fault in you let try to improve. As i rarely give up in any relationship definitely i expected my partner same.
With health issue,kids and no support from family. Divorce was not my option.
Finally i end up this few years back by communicating him. That i don't want to fight with you anymore. I want i spend good remaining time so let be in open marriage. I suggest not because i was desperate or lustful or reached bottom of need i did because i want to let go him completely .. the deep down hope.. the victim zone i got myself,the monster image of him, constant conflict,anger and sad. To make myself realise life is much more than a relationship need.
If relationship fail don't mean we have to keep being sad. There is much life have to offer. I am on path of thinking this way it tough no doubt. But i wanted to end being unstuck.. hating someone whom i have to live 24x7. Able to see and appreciate 60 perc my partner was doing for me.
Long way to heal the damage. But i will heal and will coverup what i could have done in past years. Learning thing ,travelling ,fitness n many more.
Intimacy part i tried two times had good intimacy bucket list checked i m not bad in bed, i did experience good sex is now and self awareness regarding my liking in bed.
I discontinue happily as my core value won't make me pratical i needed whole thing .i m not sad but happy i know what i want and look for and what type of man i feel attraction and most imp about myself . Believe me it was tough to come out of one man tag to date other.
We all have to find way what work for us instead feeling helpless.
Many time when i look thing from neutral angle i realised i too was making mistake in other area to deal with him. That could be reason too. So be in their shoes one day and see what thing they are struggling with us. Because all have different perception and priority of need when come to relationship
Very few partner know how to do good intimate.
Many time we do thing in relationship what we want ,in our way instead of thinking what other want n what way.
So whatever happen in my life had enlighten me in many way..
We don't have to stick to thing if it not working. If possible then letting go is good.
@Mit2019
Thanks for your comments. I find that making connection with others who are going through the same thing does help. I suffer through a lot of low times in my life and there are days it's just too much to bear really. I need to make myself emotionally healthy again like I was in my younger days. I just can't seem to get there right now. But I'll keep trying. Maybe there's some answers here in this forum. 😊
@Spearman60
You know exactly what are your struggle and what you have to do ? Is just the way ..routine to follow is something you need more clarity.
What about taking break from regular issue and give yourself 1 month or more time to focus on your well being. Without expectating much from other ?
@Mit2019
I'm limited to how I can take time off... but I am working and striving to improve on my emotional well being.
@Spearman60 Yeah, pretty much. Most women really can take it or leave it, it’s not a big thing to us. You’ll see slightly more initiation from us in the dating/engagement stage of life when we’re still trying to secure a mate, generally.
@Trivalent
i am sad to hear some feel that way .............many of us do not ....... We do want intimacy and sex and try to initiate but to zero response.....I find it sad some think that is for when you are dating or trying to start a relationship but after that who cares ............
i do believe while that area of discussion is a BIG one in a relationship .......the cold reality is that it is more to it ... i
t is the Dog gets more attention or respect .......or TV is an obsession.....avoidance of any real communication is LONELY and walking on eggshells to keep the status quo is NOT a life ......
@Spearman60
hi, I’m a female and i have been married a short four years and boy it’s ***. I haven’t experienced your wife’s attitude towards intimacy until recently. Previous relationships were more connected, communication was easier and better. But maybe that comes with the strain that comes from being married and constantly being around each other. I didn’t rely on them for anything, they, or I could go as we pleased. They didn’t have to put up with my nasty attitude because someone was rude to me. Or by someone in the kids car lane at school. Marriage comes with alot of stress and struggles but i think it’s communication in the end. You have to work hard to keep the love flowing and make sure they understand that. But it’s not easy when you’re not able to receive the same. My husband is passive aggressive and it drives me to cursing like a filthy sailor. I feel your pain because I am in the same situation it seems. I’ve got the divorce paperwork printed out now and I’m ready to just breathe. The tension is so bad, but it doesn’t seem to bother him. Anyways I hope you can find some time to talk with your wife about it. Maybe throw some questions around and find a solution. Wish you the best.
@turquoiseTree4599
Honestly, after nearly 40 years of this, I've run out of options and the words to say. Just about everything that can be said has been said.
I'm wondering if your husband's family is passive aggressive? My wife is that way because its the nature of her family. Just wished I learned that before we got married, because this is the kind of thing that affairs are made of.
I just had this really long response but for some reason I keep getting an error message but maybe it was too long of a response. Yes, his mother was definitely passive, aggressive in a way. She was such a lovely woman, but not to be messed with she could cut you down without ever raising her voice or saying a mean word to you. She was very successful woman she started and ran a very successful strip club. And she passed away in 2019 and that is when things went really bad for my husband. But I feel like it went so bad because of me. His dad absolutely hates me, but what are you gonna do can you make everybody happy.
And yes, it is definitely the things affairs are made of. I just wish that I could get that far. I couldn’t have an affair because I take marriage, so seriously I never wanted to get married because I didn’t wanna get divorced. I just feel like a complete failure. I’m a good good wife, great stepmom. Great mom. Hard worker, understanding, compassionate, loving, affectionate there’s nothing my husband could ever ask of me that I would not do nothing. Literally nothing and he still cheated on me and continue Sue.
@turquoiseTree4599
I'm sorry with what you're going through. I know it's got to be frustrating. I do my best to get along with everyone. I just wished my wife was the same.
Don't beat yourself up feeling like a failure. Sometimes things aren't in your control. I try not to blame myself for much of what I'm dealing with. I used to. I'm not perfect by no means, but I'm not responsible for her bad behavior towards me.
And you're right, you can't make everyone happy. You have to live to your convictions and do the best you can with others. It's not yours or my job to make others happy. I've decided I'm not going to put that burden on me. 😊
@Spearman60
Thank you so much. You seem to be a good man, there’s plenty of good women out there and everyone deserves to have the joy of love and passion. So don’t give up on your happiness.
Sometimes I get so tired and weary of the inner struggle I seem to have each and every day. I just don't know what to do anymore to make our marriage better without it being me doing all the work. Frankly, I'm tired of it all. Wished I had some real time friends to connect with and even do things with. For now, I just keep coming here to unload my brain and make connection with others who seem to have the same struggles.
We're both first born, and they say that two first born people shouldn't get married, and if they do, there will be power struggles. But it's not so much as a power struggle as it is she is so independent and passive aggressive. It drives me nuts. But why should it bother me so much? I don't know... guess I'm one of those who thinks they need a healthy relationship with my wife to make my life more fulfilling.
I see other couples so happy together and even say they are soul mates. I wouldn't know what that is like. In our earlier years, we were somewhat close... sort of. Yet today, I don't understand why she has to make a marriage so challenging. I even wonder if she even wants more from this marriage. If she does, why doesn't she do something about it too? Why is it always up to me? Does she not even care?
I don't know... just felt the need to come on here and vent a little.
i can relate. It usually goes something like this.. “ look, I know this tension and constant arguing about your lack of ____ for me is not enjoyable to you or me. So please, give me something to work with you on. Just tell me what it is and I’ll fix it.” And he blinks in silence like I’m speaking like Charlie Brown school teacher!!!
It bothers you because the issue is there. Your not the only one who is experiencing it. So is she. And it should be something that she wants to fix to.
I read this thread and I appreciate everyone time to support each other. Thank you all for sharing.
That is why I have come to love 7cups and this community.
I am married for 20+ years and early days we had struggles with communication which led to infidelities on my hub part and I was devastated for ten years no intimacy or very little so much so I would not let him hold my hand. I was just as shell of person… the loss of my trying to cope with home, work and a child with autism diagnosis in addition was a lot.
I survived by booking Disney trips the planning yearly sometimes twice a year kept me sane lol 😂. It was truly My happy place.
Not until our 50s finally we started talking really talking communicating about the past and sorted out our feelings, what we needed … and wanted …love languages indeed. We realized we are indeed best friends and co parents. We needed to make things better. We had in the past did counselling for couples and did an online counselling course which I loved great resources.
Why did we finally communicate ? I had an affair and he was the kindest about it all… realizing finally what he had put me through all those years. It was in that time frame I forgave him finally. We decided to make our marriage better.
I regret not communicating losing those ten years of intimacy with my husband … where we both were robots .. if only we had the skills to really communicate.
How I coped was finding JOY in shared hobbies we play Clash of Clans and Clash Royal both supercell mobile games. We watch shows we both enjoy sci fi, drama types are favs! We do date nights and at the beginning they were tough but I look forward to them usually dinner shows. When we need to talk about finances or the house or our child etc never talk about this on a date save for a time planned to talk about these things. We both are involved in various communities online & in our province separately as it is important to do that too separate interests.
@SunShineAlwaysGrateful
Thanks for your post.
I wished my wife and I could get things worked out too like you did. But she's someone that hardly and rarely takes an interest in me as a person and in what I do. She's pretty much shut me off and rarely opens up to me anymore. It's always been a one sided affair with us with me doing all the giving, fixing and maintaining to keep it alive. And when I don't do my part, she just sits back and does nothing about it. After 40+ years of this, I'm to the point where I'm exhausted trying to do it all.
I look back and if I could turn back time, I would have taken a much different path in marriage. I was 20 when we got married, dated 2 years before that, and back then I always thought she was the one. But... with what I know now, I feel I made a mistake. There were small and somewhat subtle signs that should have told me "don't do it"... but I convinced myself I was doing the right thing. Problem is, I didn't have enough insight and wisdom to make the right decision. I see that now.
I'm sure it shocks people when I make these admissions, and maybe I'm the one that off... but I don't know. I'm really not that hard to get along with. I have that kind of personality that I go out of my way to get along with others. Others see that in me. But... with the wife, its different.
Thanks again, and I hope your marriage keeps getting better and better... 😊
@Spearman60
i will agree completely with what you have said ....... no you are not the one who is off
even if some have not seen it ...................i have been on other forums one being just a senior forum and this is a VERY common theme.
they married young .....thought they were the "one"........ ignored or overlooked small signs ........ told themselves that is what marriage is ..... believed til death do us part ........... finally reach a point where it is NO longer sustainable ....... the person who tried to juggle all make everything work .. fix anything was wrong.....
now we see we deserve.......... the support and friendship/ companionship that marriage was supposed to have.. NO longer do people feel even if it was a mistake to just stick with it
from a article on this :
- Since 1990, the divorce rate of people over 50 has doubled.
- Researchers predict "gray divorces" will triple by 2030.
- Many factors contribute to "gray divorce," including an increased willingness to face relationship differences after children leave home.
@toughTiger6481
Thanks for sticking with me on these threads... I've appreciated all your input...😊
Through the years though, I would blame myself for much of what we are going through, but then in time I begin to realize I wasn't as much at fault as I always believed. I know I am at fault for some, but not as much as I would always believe. I'm not like some lawyers who try to find every bit of fault in someone so I can use it against them. I just genuinely want to get along and be happy. But she just makes it such a challenge with her passive aggressive attitude. 2-3 years ago, I finally just gave up on us getting better. It's not going to happen until she makes a conscience effort to change. I just can't deal with this anymore.
Sometimes I just want to leave and start a new life with someone else. But to do that, to separate and leave is too complicated... and like you shared, would be a financial challenge and burden. And on top of that, we would hurt a lot of people, especially our children and grandchildren. I guess the best thing I can do is manage and deal with the frustration in hopes something will finally change in her.
Time will tell......😒
@Spearman60
i have thought a lot about this situation like i said before have had this type of discussion on other forums etc.
Many feel we cannot rock the boat the children (grown) will be upset or grandchildren...... I wonder if we are instead teaching them to settle no matter how unhappy you are or scaring some from marriage as all they really see is sadness and unhappy ........ even a 5 yr old told me you seem more fun when grandpa is NOT here .... out of the mouths of babes.
I also strongly encourage young people to maintain some financial independence a separate account for example .....people sometimes lose their minds saying that some suggestions are planning for divorce but when you are on other side you see so many stuck from failure to plan for what if....
we share history / we share all the memories / after others see it in my case he KNOWS the kids know but when neighbors Started to see he makes big efforts ... makes it worse that what neighbors think is more important then what his own kids think.....
perhaps if someone else approached your wife and spoke to her she could see things differently .... i have a very hard time believing they are happy or even mildly satisfied with their life as is
@toughTiger6481
Those stats are alarming. "Gray" divorces I assume are "civil roommate" situations or just separations?
@Spearman60
grey divorces are those recorded as divorce
those like us that live in silence as roommates and those who live in silence smiling at gatherings and taking the family photos do NOT even count.........
Affairs in this age range are also huge.
@toughTiger6481
I see... I had never heard the term before.
I wanted to ask, how did your Christmas holiday go? Wondering how much of your situation is known or revealed with the rest of the family. With me, it's pretty much undisclosed.
She had to work today, so I had most of the day to myself... and the dog. I honestly enjoy having the day here to myself. Less tension anyway.
Tell her everything you have said to us here. And lift that burden off of you. Your suffering is not acceptable and you should not continue to. You are a great man, when you have the wonderful personality you have, you will find a partner to enjoy life with. Or whatever you choose to do, you won’t have this emptiness. 🥰 sending you lots of hugs.
@turquoiseTree4599
Well, I've considered it... or at least some of what I've shared here. However, she's not one for someone to reveal to her she's wrong in some way... at least not from me. She's somewhat self righteous in certain ways. See, we're both first born... and that attributes to the problems we have with our conflicting personalities.
And thanks for the compliments... sure wish she would acknowledge and say those things to me. 😊
That’s beautiful. I really wish I could get to the point of having an affair. I can’t, it’s against everything that i am. But, it’s mostly because my husband and his BS has made me despise myself, I can’t look at myself in the mirror to put on makeup. I don’t know how to talk to anyone without being a weird woman that starts crying when I’m asked about the simplest things. Where, how, could i… I just can’t get out of my own head to get that far.
@turquoiseTree4599
Well, as appealing as an affair is, they can turn out to bring more pain than it's worth. Years ago in my mid 30's, I was there. As pleasurable as it was, it brought more pain to me than what it was really worth. It was somewhat fulfilling, but yet it brought me so much emotional pain since it was against everything that I was and was taught growing up. Morally, it's wrong. It is painful. And the regret seems to never go away. To this day and since when it ended, I wished it had never happened.
Even though it wasn't right, it happened because of my unfulfilling marriage. I don't justify what I did, it was wrong. But I would have never done it, if our marriage was what it should have been. That doesn't mean I blame my wife, but our weak marriage brought me to make the decision and the temptation to jump the fence.
@Spearman60
Byron Katie says it's because they are there to show you what you need to learn about love.
Self love.
And if one doesn't have someone, then it's because that's all they can handle.
Now I don't if I like this Byron Katie.
But I think I like love and desire to understand and act upon her words when she talks about what a love of one's life really means...how the love of one's life is a journey home to self, not another person.
Ugh how new age-y I sound.
@Dallady
I didn't know who Byron Katie was so I looked her up on the internet. At first I thought it was a "he." I understand your statement now and what you wrote.
I know we all are guilty of fabricating thoughts in our heads and believing in them. I do try to weigh all that out in my marriage. But its a fact that my wife is just not very good at maintaining a loving relationship. The love experience is always left up to me to act and to put into action. But after 40 years, I've run out of steam. I'm tired of being the one that always has to bring life to this relationship. She's an introverted passive aggressive person who just doesn't reach out to others.
I don't know what Byron Katie would have to say in my situation. However, when I googled her, I found this about her that is interesting.....
"Specifically, The Work is a way of identifying and questioning any stressful thought. It consists of four questions and what is referred to as the "turnarounds".
The four questions are:
- Is it true?
- Can you absolutely know that it's true?
- How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
- Who would you be without the thought?
Maybe this is something to consider that might help me... 😊
Of course my answers to those questions would be...
1. yes
2. yes
3. focus on things that are positive
4. a lot happier
😊
@Spearman60
good examples and perhaps i will have a card with those questions .... i think this thread had been very helpful when people contribute ideas and references to research.
You had asked about my holiday and family ....... I have found there seems to be 2 trains of thought on including family........ ask you can tell i am very no rose colored glasses and honest and my kids KNOW in fact 2 of the 3 are the biggest push for me to just leave instead of being civil roommates ......
for others who keep the facts of the marriage falling apart.... IMO are further stuck by not wanting to upset the extended family and IF they finally decide to divorce or something kids are Mad and choosing sides and creating a fiasco ........ if kids are adult and you simply explain like you have to people here . Most have some idea if they have observed the body language the disconnect is easy to see........just like seeing those who are happy with each other.
@toughTiger6481
It's been helpful to me to come here and listen to others and even try to contribute as much as I can.
Our holiday was just the two of us here at home. We're challenged to get together with our 2 kids and 6 grand kids due to work schedules and grand kid's divorced parents. So we have Christmas with family late this year on January 8th I think.
Can anyone see our situation? Probably not too much. We keep things hidden pretty much. In fact, recently my father in law gave me the greatest compliment.... he thanked me for taking care of his daughter all these years. I've given her a much better life than she had growing up at home, even though she doesn't express much appreciation for it.
I think it would shock and devastate everyone that knows us if we ended up divorced... especially family and what few friends we have. That's part of what makes it hard to consider and what it would do to our kids.
Of course our kids didn't make the best choices either. Our son got a girl pregnant and then married someone else. Daughter is married twice and they're not doing so well and could potentially end up in a divorce.
I really don't know what's going to happen to us in the coming months... or few years. 40 years hasn't proven that things can change yet. Don't know..... 😒
i try not to compare as people make choices i do not understand sometimes, my thoughts on your post.... the father in law...comment to me could be he sees it and appreciates you stuck with it .......
i have seen in similar situations i can personally observe the kids often end in multiple marriages ........or avoid and marry late to not have to deal with things i believe they see.......
To me saying we have been together 30 or 40 years seems to be a testament to how much a person can endure...... like a holding your breathe contest .......does it matter you held it so long if you have a headache and feel awful?
i saw my grandparents set #1 was clear he was miserable and it was not fun to stay there as a child .....#2 really had a great relationship and you could see when they looked at each other and spoke to each other..........felt great staying with them.
my parents i had made in my mind some great love story as he died when i was young ......but with 20/20 hindsight after years of seeing her with my stepdad ....... i looked at my parents wedding photos and saw the truth. People see even if we do not think so.
@toughTiger6481
Father in law's possible perspective you mentioned... that has crossed my mind a few times...😊Today, we were both home and I spent the day with one of my hobbies staying busy and trying to enjoy the day and get my mind off our issues. But when I do have a bad aggravating day, and it shows, I get no response from her to bring me any consoling comfort and encouragement. She shy's away from me because she doesn't want to deal with it. I don't take it out on her, I just vent and fume over whatever I'm dealing with. But needless to say, she does not have the gift of encouragement for anyone... especially me.
Well, today the tables were turned and she was having an aggravating day with what she was doing. Did I reach out to her? NO... because, like many other times, I want her to know what it's like. Guess some would consider me a jerk for treating her that way, but I felt she needs to know what I go through with her. I mean, this isn't the first time, but maybe some day she'll finally get it.
Well, I hope you and others here aren't tired of me whining about my marriage. I just find this a bit refreshing to be able to unload my brain with all this and the daily frustration it brings me.
Anyway, Happy New Year by the way... 😊
@Spearman60
Happy New Year ......
i thought you might have seen the same possible in the FIL comment .....
I have done the same thing when he is having a bad day and i no longer go out of my way to console or make it easy on him. They do not see it even when you do the same moves on them ....... sometimes i wish he would feel like i do but i realize that solves nothing........ i am doing many things different then i used to and he is off balance........ but you cannot make people reflect on or see themselves.
@toughTiger6481
You said "you cannot make people reflect on or see themselves." That is true with my wife for sure. I don't think she feels she does anything wrong and feels she doesn't need to do anything to bring any positive change in our marriage. I've gone round and round with her so many times in the past about issues with us. And many of those times, she resorts to a victim mentality. Or doesn't try to help to come up with solutions with our issues with one another. Her general responses are her tendencies to make herself the victim and a "give up without trying" mentality. I hope I'm making sense here...
Gosh this is so exhausting sometimes. It seems I'm always struggling with anxiety and depression over all this and I'm just tired of it. Being married to someone like this who doesn't reach out to anyone and so introverted with herself, it makes me wonder why I keep going on with all this. I just want to be happy and fulfilled again.
@Spearman60
I understand as we just went three rounds last night......... he throws out blanket statements with no examples of his accusation ....... uses lines like always etc ..... he is always the victim.......
i gave him solid examples of my points and ended with him acknowledging a a hard truth and he has not spoken since........... golden silence....... told him it is not about being right it is about being heard.
the run to the victim strategy is meant to shut down conversation and debate .... i called him out on all this type of stunt ........ told him some strategies i fond in various research on marriage counseling ..... told him we are remaining civil roommates til death or divorce and be happy ..... he is now scared as i have friends / our kids and he has a very old dog that is it........ do i expect a change nope he will play nice hoping i do not leave him all alone in a house with his dog.
@toughTiger6481
I'm sorry to hear that. That sure ruins the atmosphere of a home when that happens, which is quite often here too.
It's raining hard today so I cam home early. Didn't want to deal with the rain in my line of work, pulling tools in and out of the van while working in someone's home.
She's home today for her day off, and she seemed bothered that I came home early and interrupted her place of solitude. But now she left to go to town for some errands so it's just me and my dog. Yes, I have a dog... and she goes to work with me every day. She's my emotional support dog...😊
I know your situation and mine can be so emotionally draining, but I'm trying to rise above that and I hope you are able as well.
I have only been married for 11 years but honestly I see this a lot where one partner won't initiate. Honestly I don't understand it myself. I think you should let your wife know how you feel and have some open and honest communication about it. Sometimes honesty is hurtful but sometimes we have to hurt people to help them.
@Wiltingrose13
After 40+ years of marriage, believe you me, we've had all the conversations about this we could have, but it doesn't change a thing. She just doesn't get it unfortunately. She's more focused on her own needs and hangups than to take the time to consider others... namely me. She's always been that way for the most part. At the very beginning, it was okay, but there were warning signs then, but I just wasn't smart enough to see it.
@Spearman60
looking back it is easier to see things we should have avoided ..... and you have done as much as you can .....
@toughTiger6481
Yeah, I feel that I have. I don't know what else I can do that I haven't already done as far as talking with her about it.
I need a vacation by myself for a while.... 😊
Well, I've spent the past several weeks, or maybe 2 months, posting a few threads unloading my brain over the marital issues I've been faced and dealt with for the span of my 40 year marriage. I've pretty well exhausted my thoughts and feelings about most of it in a few threads here at 7 Cups. Not sure if my expressions here have helped anyone else. I hope it hasn't had a negative effect on anyone.
But now I'm wondering, where do I go from here? I've pretty well written out most of my issues. I'll admit that it's helped to get it off my chest though. I've even tried to connect with a listener 3 or 4 times, but none seem to stick around for long in the messaging area.
I guess I was hoping to make some friends here, but unfortunately there seems to be a lot of restrictions which limit that somewhat. Guess most forums like this are pretty restrictive anyway... 😊
Want to thank everyone for their input and help. Glad for those who have contributed to this thread and on the others I had written too. I see I'm not the only one dealing these issues.
If anyone else has anything to contribute, feel free to share here...😊
@Spearman60
I want to thank you as this thread has opened eyes and made many not feel alone.....
In my case it is about everything .......
and i have made the decision it is too late ....... i tried all i can
He wants to read me things off computer (like i cannot read ).....i add a comment or question that require him thinking not just parroting items he freaks out says I don't know and shuts down ..... so ZERO basic conversation that i can have with strangers.....better then my husband
He Has zero clue to anything I am interested in and even HOW i take my coffee ..... after 38 years
he thinks he can lie about things to me and i am too stupid to tell even the smallest things... he had nagging cough i bought new cough drops worked well for me .....left him 2 to TRY he said to me yep tried them they did not work what a waste.....
I held the 2 i left asked him how many did he try he said 4 ........ when i say funny i left 2 here they are when did you try .......he STICKS to lie saying oh i bought some at work threw the rest away asked him what brand as this had NO markings....... i REFUSE to be lied to
does not want to even hug says i am NOT receptive ..... pointed out last Attempts were all my initiation but he could not do anything ....so he avoids me instead of perhaps seeing a doctor .......
Been 8 months since we have a new dishwasher he does not know how to operate... in my clean dish area for anything that has to be hand washed he stacks dirty dishes ask him NOT to do that explain this was sanitized for CLEAN only ....... Screams in my face not to micro manage him
so i set his plate with a dirty dish he just rinsed and did not follow putting in dishwasher ...... he recently saw me do this freaked out but i told him this is the CLEAN are we have discussed this many many times........ so what was the problem ....... he NOW has decided to only use paper plates .......
I appreciate those who think it is about "LOVE languages" or communication and writing letters i did that emails / handwritten he tears up before reading ...... yet some one come by neighbors/ family he says we are SOO happy she is the best thing that ever happened to me ... yada yada ....... i usually say to same people he refuses to do anything about his health just waiting for him to drop dead. I Do NOT sugar coat or lie about it to anyone.....
he has no idea i have moved on ..............................have a friend in the same shoes with his spouse ............i smile and do things to make me happy he can live in his fantasy land........
I told him "you are all alone your behavior has pushed friends and family away and i have zero feelings for you at all" ...... his idea to try to refill my coffee and add cream, i take black......offers to cook which only ends up verifying the smoke detectors work ....... and now wants to plan a romantic vacation LOL with whom NOT him......
@toughTiger6481
I'm perplexed over the strange behavior your getting with your husband and his attitude. Seems my wife's behavior is similar to his.
By the way, I did get a good laugh about his offer to cook and verifying that the smoke detectors work... LOL! At least you haven't lost your sense of humor in all this... 😊
I don't understand how spouses are content just coasting along with a lifeless and even a loveless marriage and not wanting to do anything about it. My wife just seems to be content living the same day over and over again with us. What I mean is, her day consists of work, come home, take care of a few things, sit and watch the same TV programs over and over again that we've seen a hundred times (which lately I refuse to watch anymore), go off to bed and read her books, go to sleep, and then do the same things all over again. We've become, like you mentioned before, "civil roommates" with no intimacy, no romance, and no real affection.
For many years, our marriage has always seem to have this bit of a wall between us. I didn't think being married meant you would still feel loneliness all the time, but I do. There's no closeness or feeling of companionship between us.
She seldom ever takes an interest in things that I do... my work, my hobbies. I'm self-employed, and never has she ever just showed up on the job just to see what I do. She's only focused on her life and what all she has to do. She lives in an independent self centered life. And yet what's weird, when I've stopped to see her at her job (retail), she doesn't feel all that comfortable with it.
Maybe I'm just weird or different. Seems a lot of men want a wife that does leave them alone. I'm not one of them. I need a wife that supports me and cares about me. I need the intimacy and passion. It's what gives me strength and encouragement.
I think that her working in retail for over 35 years has helped to ruin our marriage. She's changed into a different person where she just doesn't need anyone it seems... me or friends. In times past (which we don't even do anymore), I'd have a hard time getting her to meet up with what few friends we have for dinner or a get together.
Anyway... I could keep going... so much to say sometimes... I get on a roll and can't quit... sorry. Thanks for taking the time to read my "venting posts and comments." I appreciate you sharing in this as well. I wished things could be different for you as well. Living in the atmosphere of a lifeless non-caring spouse really can take it's toll on those of us who have to deal with this day by day.
@Spearman60 I totally agree how can a person come home and watch something over and ober and live the same day again like the movie groundhogs day...........
zero attempt to change anything i have asked him if he is just sitting here waiting to die....... cause i need to get rid of the couch he has ruined by plopping down on it anyway think i could burn them both...
has zero interest in anything i do and i show interest in his hobby and work ...... try to do things different he simply does not want to if we go out it is same place orders the same thing has zero interest in anything ...... i think it is mental illness to do that some kind of torture that NOTHING ever changes
@toughTiger6481
You know, it's something that my wife and your husband has so much in common in certain ways.
I'm trying to do my best to direct my attention on other things more and work on making myself happier. I can't live out the rest of my life discouraged over my marriage... I just can't. I need to focus more on my hobbies and stop letting her get to me like she does. She can't be the foundation of my happiness... and I can't put my hope in that anymore. It's time for me to move on in other things. "Civil roommates" I guess it will be for now. Hey, at least she's a decent cook, I can say that about her.... LOL!