Why does a spouse have to make a marriage such a challenge?
I often wonder why people have to make a relationship such a challenge sometimes. I've been married a long time over 40 years and I still deal with same issues in all four decades of our marriage. Maybe it's me but I just have a hard time catering to people who seem to want to sit back and wait for you to make the first move. My wife and her family have always been that way. You walk into a family gathering and it's met with the attitude of "well you going to speak to me or not?"
I'm not trying to sound petty or anything but sometimes you just get tired of being the one who has to initiate the conversation all the time. Does anybody get what I mean? I'm actually married to someone like that and it even affects our physical relationship or the lack thereof.
I want to ask... in a marital relationship is it always up to the husband to initiate physical intimacy? I've never understood why she's that way. It's as though she could take it or leave it, and it doesn't really matter if it happens or not. She even told me one time in so many words that she figures if I wanted it, I'd come around for it. What does that even mean anyway? Are we saying "hey I can live without it but you know, if you need it, you can let me know?"
Yeah I know it's hard to believe that I've dealt with this for four decades, but it's true. And right now I've reached a point my life with I'm tired of it. On top of that my wife is passive aggressive and such an introvert it just makes it hard.
I hope it's okay to share all this. I just came to this group or forum days ago just to have a place to vent this out and to talk about it. Maybe someone else out there is dealing with the same thing and maybe we can help each other with some advice.... 😊
@Spearman60,
in a marriage like yours, you get so lonely.
You want to be understand. Express your feelings. Open the door inviting your spouse to walk in.
I have felt so not understand for years.
Had rough times. Got depressed. Tried to talk, explain how I felt. It always, well not always maybe but that is how it felt, ended in a discussion. Not "I understand how you feel" but "that is not true". I tried to explain. Stopped any discussion as, as I told her, "it is either your way or the highway"
My wife making decisions, not being included. Trying to explain again, "at least tell me, maybe there is things I can do". Little things but o so important to me at the time. She did not get it. Focused on her, like she has an urge to help. And if I would not thank her or reject suggestions, she would feel rejected, not accepted, vilified when I would get angry.
I don't know. If someone says "you don't listen, you don't understand me" you could at least try to look at yourself, ask why your partner feels that way.
My wife has quite a bit of trauma. And I must say, she has tried to work on it. Only you can't expect your partner to continuously understand, to be kind and gentle and loving.
She has been seeing a psychiatrist for years, when she was around 20. Decades before we met.
20 years ago, she entered the spiritual world. Finding solace and comfort there. Not having to deal with her issues.
I do understand that people can be so damaged that confronting your demons is too much. But running away from yourself won't do you any good either.
You know, sometimes people are like that. For whatever reason (often severe trauma) they simply cannot confront themselves.
They need a safe harbor, a consistent environment. Where there is love, kindness, gentleness, love. It's like you have to pull the cart but you can't do that continuously. You have your needs to. A hug. A listening ear. You need understanding too.
It drains you. It wears you out.
My marriage failed. And I still think at times we could work things out. I changed. A lot. I could be a safe harbor, on the sideline. I have started to rebuild myself, love for myself, belief in myself. I don't need my wife for that
But with her refusing to get professional help (she did see a trauma therapist for a while after our counselor at the time Gently pushed her, she stopped as she said "no longer needed") she will never get the help and safety she craves for.
I want to help her, could help her, but I can't. I am too close and too much of a mirror for her.
What I'm saying, you have a choice. You can be happy but not with her. You deserve so much more then leading an empty life.
@dukeofdearham
Yes, you're right. I can probably be happy, even without her. I don't know why I lean on her so much for happiness and fulfillment, but I always have. I've always been a people person and try to understand and get along with everyone I meet. That's why I titled this thread like I did... why a spouse has to make marriage so hard? I don't know why she can't contribute more in our marriage. I don't know of any trauma she's experienced. If she had any, she's done well to hide them from me for 40+ years.
Her whole family is odd like her. When I come to a family gathering on her side, it's met with "Well, you going to say anything to me or not?" I think, "well, why don't you say something then if you want a conversation, I mean, after-all, it is your house and I'm the guest!"
My wife has always been an introvert in a lot of ways. She's "content" where she is in life, and doesn't really try to better herself. She doesn't like change. I have to push her and prod her to move towards anything. She does work hard and she's not lazy in it.
As far as relationships, she's not good at it in making friends and reaching out to others. Gift of encouragement she does not have. Giving me affirmation isn't on her agenda at all.
So... as far as making myself happy and fulfilled... I'm on my own. I'm a very social person and get along with just about anyone I meet, unless they turn out to be a jerk... LOL! But my wife is not real social and doesn't reach out to others to make friends.
And any time in the past I try to confront her with some of these issues, she resorts to a victim mentality and tells me that maybe we shouldn't have gotten married if you're not that happy with me. I want to tell her that rather than resort to that option, how about you making an effort to just make things better between us? There's a novel idea!!!
Oh well... I just keep plugging along and try to make the best of making me more emotionally healthy...😊
@Spearman60,
it feels really like she wants nothing more for you then meet her in her world.
Accept her for who she is. And then can be tough as we all have needs.
Tell me about tough. I am an introvert at heart. Basically that means I need my space and alone time. Yet very open and easily making contact. My wife is the same yet different. When things get tough, she withdraws. And I would get angry, I wanna talk, be heard, be understood. And listen to hear but in tough situations she doesn't share.
I understand what you say about others asking you to start talking. It can create distance. I also say, why would that be an issue? Not everybody opens up that easily. And no, it's got nothing to do with being introvert.
It might more be, "I keep my struggles with me and I don't complain". That is something I recognize in my wife. She told me she had back issues but it wasn't until I emigrated and moved in with her and I saw her coming home after work that I noticed how severe her back issues are. She is in pain 24 hours a day.
She does not want to complain, be a burden, and most of all she doesn't want to be reminded of pain, any kind of pain.
She never got the warmth and love she needed as a child.
She had surgery, years ago. Was in a lot of pain. I helped her, took care of her. I remember her looking at me with the eyes of a child, like "please be kind and gentle, please help me, love me, don't leave".
(I'm crying know)
Some people just have a hard time to be themselves. And believe me, they so want to. But they don't know how as nobody showed them.
Someone can deeply love you, while crying inside as that someone never learned to show. That someone might never have experienced what love is. Hence that someone turns inside. Too afraid to show.
I sent a text once to my wife. Saying that part of her was still child. A child craving for love. A child too afraid to admit wrongdoing as she might be told "what you did is unforgivable and now I no longer love you". She simply responded with a thumbs up. To me that said, knowing her, I had hit bulls eye.
If people don't wanna share, relationships get tough. It's mutual understanding, with or without words, some people need time to let words settle in. Next, communication. Finally, awareness. Being in the moment, with self. Not telling the other what to do but asking yourself, "what can I do to add to our relationship". And that is hard continuous work.
Which happens all to often not. We too often have expectations and needs that we want to be filled in, met, by the other. That's not how it work though.
On one of my other threads I started a while back I had a recent comment from someone who is actually a Listener here in this forum. After reading a few comments on it he came up with the insistent advice that I should "leave her."
Let me just say this... how can anyone give advice like that after just reading a few of my statements in a thread? Yes, I had expressed that I have a troublesome marriage that's got me experiencing anxiety and stress in my life. But when a person has no clue as to the full scope of my life situation, how can they give such advice like that? Divorce and separation is complicated and hard with a 40+ year marriage. You can't just uproot yourself and leave. It's not that easy!
So I was rather irritated that their insistent advice to me to "leave her" wasn't founded on enough full knowledge of what my situation is. They were a 5 star Listener too. I guess they should stick to listening instead of giving out advice that they have no business giving when they haven't a clue what a person's life situation is all about.
I said all that to say this... please be careful what advice and information you get from someone here. People in this forum are hurting, which can make some of them vulnerable to be misguided with poor and misleading advice.
@Spearman60 Marriage is hard work, goes through a tun of ups and downs throughout the Marriage. Understanding showing here ways to help her understand need's that you have, will be beneficial as well in the long-run.
Sorry my messages are scattered, l am messaging helpful thing's as they come to me, so you can eventually get her to work tword's a healthy marriage with you. Try showing her being creative when showing her aswell as explaining in specific detail.
@Spearman60
All valid points .
I understand not giving up on 40 years of marriage -which is a huge commitment. I have 38 years and I can't give up on it. I'm trying in therapy to deal with abandonment and attachment issues. Alot of times I blame myself for picking someone with a trauma background also. But I've learned that trauma is attracted to trauma because it's what we recognize. Listening is not my partners strong point but I think he can't handle listening and absorbing truth. Truth is hard to hear. I at least know I'm vulnerable because I feel alone and I watch myself so I don't become a predators next victim. I've been victimized alot because of my vulnerability. Awareness is everything.
I admire your continued commitment to trying to salvage your marriage. I understand how difficult the day to day can be.
ABB
@amiableBlackberry92
I admire that you continue to be committed to yours as well. Yes, the day to day is exhausting sometimes. I have days though that I'm ready to just go away and leave her with everything, but then I come to my senses and realize how unrealistic and stupid that is. Much of the time, we're just "civil roommates" for now. It's sad that our marriage has been like this for so long. We both stay busy in the day to day responsibilities we have with job and hobbies when we have the time. She seems to avoid all mention of our lack of relationship and intimacy. She just doesn't seem to be interested in resolving it at all. She's always been the one to sit back and wait for me to "fix it." What kind of marriage is it when its always the one spouse (that's me) that has to make all the effort to "fix it." This may sound petty, but 40 years of this is so tiresome and frustrating.
Right now I'm waiting for her to speak up and say something about our lack of marital interaction, then I want to respond to her and say, "Okay, so what are YOU wanting to do about it?" ... and then wait for the answer that I hope to get.
Somewhere in the middle of the thread, there is buried recommendation to watch movie Fireproof. I watched it and IMHO, it's a must watch for every couple. I'm an atheist myself and it's a Christian movie and i didn't mind that.
As for the OP, have you looked at the relationship dynamics between people with anxious and avoidant attachment styles? Eye opening for many struggling couples.
@LostTurtle22
I've seen the movie if its the one with Kirk Cameron in it. But the thing of it is, if I try to direct my wife towards something like that, I'm met with some resistance. I wanted her to read Laura Schlessinger's book "The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands" but she resists the polite and gentle recommendations I give her. And I know, some think I'm suggesting to her she's the one with the problems, not me. But I don't suggest that at all. If she recommended something for me to read or look into to understand her more, I would gladly do it.
Problem is, she doesn't respond well to things that might give any subtle hint that might put her at fault. She just doesn't avail herself nor is she usually sensitive to the needs of others, especially for me. She has very little interest in meeting my emotional and physical needs. It's more about her than me. And that's what makes me so weary and frustrated in this marriage.
@Spearman60
I'm thinking you got the movie backwards. If you want to improve things in marriage, you do the 40 days love dare. Not her. If that still doesn't work, you can say you tried everything and you can openly tell her you're ready to leave. This is IMHO of course.
@LostTurtle22
Well, I meant to convey that we would watch it together. And I'm open to do what I need to do. Maybe I need to watch it on my own first then. I don't remember a lot of how the story in it goes. Hoping I can find it where I can stream it from the internet. I'll do that... thanks!...😊
@Spearman60 l went through this with my husband in the beginning of are marriage. He didn't know how to meet my emotional need's l had to show him how to do that. Communicate that you are going to show her how to meet your emotional need's, then over time show her, continue meeting her emotional needs. Sometimes even wives don't know how to do that for a man and vice versa.
@Spearman60
Hello there!
So sorry to hear about your troubles.
Feel free to reach out to me if you need an ear!
Keep in there!
@BrokenWingsThatFlew
Thanks.... I come here to unload my brain and find some kind of peace by expression... 😊
It is a struggle day by day.... some days are good, some days aren't so good. I'm working on trying to get emotionally and mentally healthy again. Wouldn't mind reaching out to you since you offered. I take it your one of the Listeners here? I thought about becoming one myself, and experiencing the rewards of helping others. But sometimes I wonder if I would qualify since I'm dealing with struggles of my own. However, I feel that I've got something to offer to others if given the chance. I used to be that kind of person people could come to for help, and many found me to be quite helpful to them at times. I miss having those opportunities. 😊
@Spearman60
I think that is a great idea and i think listeners that have had experience can be a great value in sharing how they handled different issues.
My listener reached out because they were having similar things has been a significant help.
@toughTiger6481
Well, I'm considering being a listener... but we'll see. Hope you're doing okay. I've been working at trying to be happy, but it's a challenge. She's still making no effort whatsoever to bring positive change in our marriage. None.
But being a listener with this marriage issue hanging so hard on me just doesn't seem to make sense for me right now. Hard to help pull someone else out of the pit when I'm stuck in one myself.
@Spearman60
I hear you .......................but i find even commenting on posts to perhaps shed light so someone see their issues in a different light has been rewarding .... sometimes i even get a thanks for responding....
i know how you feel had 2 days of peace....... i was not mad or upset and try to be more open that he is not going to change so i should accept that .............then he had to be himself today and set me off before work lol
i can get along fine until he purposely does something to aggravate me.
@toughTiger6481
We were both home today. Yesterday we went to see our kids in another state (just 200 miles away) to finally have Christmas with them. But today, we were both home... she was doing her thing, and I was doing mine. Little to no interaction. As always in the past, she has no interest whatsoever to turn things around. I fight to keep myself from being frustrated with her and try to ignore it and keep myself busy.
So aggravating to deal with this all the time. But somehow I have to find and think happy thoughts. Guess I should have went to work instead of hanging around here. Keeping busy with one of my hobbies though did help... 😊
@Spearman60 You can reach out to me anytime to, it's a great idea to become a listener. I am listener l have ptsd. I have had therapy for it. My past experiences have given me the knowledge, compassion and sympathy to help other's.
@Spearman60
Ultimately it’s your life and your decision.
I personally want joy and if someone isn’t interested in a mutually supportive relationship and what it takes, I’d be out. If only it was that easy. I would try and exhaust all options first, as marriage is a serious commitment, of course.
Blessings🦋
@wayfinder1
I understand what your saying about a serious commitment... been 40+ years, but last decade has been harder. I want joy too, but I have to find it elsewhere in other things. Wished I had a mutual supportive relationship with her... but it's not there. At this point, I've lost nearly all hope of that ever happening unfortunately.
@Spearman60
some people do not get it there is no reason to think they will understand until they wear our shoes...... it is depressing to look at your spouse and KNOW you will never feel or look at them they way you used to.
My spouse KNOWS one foot is out of the door he has made some effort but then take 2 steps backward .......... i am curious how he will be when i walk through the door and NEVER come back.
@toughTiger6481
Well, I've often times thought about just disappearing for a few days, so she would appreciate me more. She doesn't realize how much I do to keep things going around here. Maybe that's what needs to happen just to wake her up. Just take off unannounced and leave it with her for a while. What do you think your husband would do if you did that with him?
Gosh this makes no sense whatsoever for a spouse just to do nothing about the obvious wall that exists! I know people tell me and say "why don't you do something about it?" And I want to say, "What... continue enforcing this 4 decade long one sided marriage where I have to always be the one that breathes life into it?" I'm finally out of breath! I just can't do it anymore. She obviously doesn't care enough to breath some life into it herself. And today, she just made it really obvious! URGH!
Sorry... I'm just having a moment of pent up frustration.......... thanks always for listening....... 😊
@Spearman60
i have been there in fact i left this last summer for two weeks stayed with son .... he used all the silverware and to not have to run dishwasher he used paper plates .... ate just one thing for two weeks and walked past the closet that had essentials are stocked and stole the tp rolls from my bathroom.
was summer let lawn get brown so HOA was mad ........ he was more embarrassed what the neighbors started to say.
did not pick up mail and mailman took overstuffed item back to post office that i had to go retrieve......
was he happy when i came back well i washed carpet as dog made mess and washed silverware and glasses in dishwasher had to scrub kitchen and he was trying for a brief minute,,,,, but when he felt comfortable he went back to being the same jerk.
I strongly encourage just living a separate life though and saying the truth telling neighbors we are civil roommates our family knows ... neighbors have even snubbed him he does not know what he can do NOW but i told him should have listened the first hundred times i told you so.
@toughTiger6481
Wow... you obviously have it worse than I do. So sorry.... 😒
There are days my wife is somewhat talkative... like tonight. I mean, I brought up some things, but it's not like she ever initiates the conversation. She seldom does that. But tonight, it's as though in her mind everything is "hunky dory" and none of the other quite obvious things in the past and her behavior towards me even happened.
Something I haven't shared here before in this forum... the reason I'm so put out with my wife and her passive aggressiveness is because I was raised by a mother who was a bit that way. My mom's behavior and attitude was similar to the way my wife is. Yeah, I know.... men are attracted to women who are somewhat like their mothers... and I guess I was one of them that fell for it... Too bad....
I love my mother and would do anything for her today, but growing up at home, she would anger me so much due to her attitude back then. There's times I should have told her back then while growing up, "Hey, I didn't ask to be born!" Me and my siblings were a lot of times treated like little inconveniences. Guess that's why I'm having a hard time with my wife today. I can't stand to be treated like that. I mean, my wife isn't exactly like my mother, but she has a lot of her characteristics.
Thanks again for your posts. Any time you need to vent, let r rip.... I'll listen.... 😊
I have enjoyed reading through this discussion. There's a lot of very interesting and insightful food for thought here, and many people have shared bits of their own personal stories. If nothing else, it's nice to know you're not alone in a struggling marriage.
I will chime in with a bit of my own personal story. I left a marriage of 17 years. I can't say I did the right thing, nor can I say I made a mistake. It remains a very complicated mix of feelings. I think I may have done the right thing for me, but I know I hurt my ex in the process (I won't go into details about why I left, but I do think I did the right thing for myself), and I have two teens who had the unfortunate role of being innocent bystanders when their parents separated and divorced. I did NOT want to do that to my kids, and I did NOT want to hurt my ex, but I had to listen to my own needs and separate myself from a toxic relationship.
I still think about what it might have been like if I hadn't left. We'd still be in the same place, we would have tried more therapists that couldn't help us resolve our irreconcilable differences. But we would be holding onto some semblance of a family, and we would continue to struggle with the same issues day after day.
But I did leave. We now have a multitude of new issues to struggle with. But we also have the opportunity to redefine ourselves, figure out who we are now, at this point in our lives. We have the chance to lead our own lives as individuals. This entire journey has been at times: sad, scary (terrifying), exciting, frustrating, satisfying, challenging, rewarding, and much more.
I am NOT telling anyone they should leave their marriage, or stay in an unhappy marriage, that is your decision alone to make.
What I am saying it just a little bit of one person's experience. When I first left my marriage, I cannot tell you how many people said to me, "It was the most difficult thing I ever had to do, but also one of the best things I could have done." ... and I can't really say that. The decision to leave was agonizing. The process of leaving was agonizing. Life after separation was also very very difficult. But I can't say I regret the decision. Despite the difficulties, there has been some good to come from choosing this path for myself.
I guess it really boils down to making the decision that means the most 'right' to you, even when there is no obvious 'right' thing to do. If you are in an unhappy, unsatisfying, disconnected, dysfunctional, etc marriage, I suppose you try your best to make the situation work for you, however that is possible. Focus on the things that are most meaningful to you, and if the other person doesn't want to be part of that, then you forge ahead on your own. One of the things I regret most about my marriage was losing my sense of self.
Now I'm just rambling, so I'll stop here. Thanks to anyone who read through all that!
And good luck to you, Spearman60, and everyone else, on your own personal journeys.
@GoingInCircles365
Well, I read through the whole thing... 😊
Your last paragraph stuck out with me. "Focus on the things that are most meaningful to you, and if the other person doesn't want to be a part of that, then you forge ahead on your own. One of the things I regret most about my marriage was losing my sense of self."
That's what I've been doing... focusing on things that are most meaningful to me. She seldom wants to be a part of anything I do. I mean nothing. So I'm on my own.
And the part about "losing my sense of self"... Well, I feel that I have. Over the years, I seem to have lost who I am. It's like I'm living in a day by day fog or something. Meaning and purpose seems to be so faded for me. I even started another thread on that too, but no one seems to want to touch that one... LOL!
So how are you dealing with you sense of self now? Do you feel you're gaining some of it back since the divorce? I just wished I could gain mine back. I wonder sometimes if I went back to my old childhood places and revisit my past, maybe I can gain some of it back... crazy huh?
Thanks for posting... 😊
@Spearman60
I'll try to answer your question about how I'm dealing with my sense of self now.
I have my own place and live my own life. Because I still see my ex every week because of kid stuff, I find it REALLY easy to fall back into the same negative relationship patterns when we interact. We both do, and it's clear. Same relationshp, same patterns, even though we're trying to live our own separate lives. It actually makes me believe that neither of us would be able to change that if we continued living together. We would be stuck in the same rut(s) for as long as we were together. It has to do mostly with our own individual personalities, and not something that could or even should be "fixed" -- just my personal thoughts an observations of my own life.
As for my time that I'm on my own, I like it. I am an introvert and seem to have no trouble entertaining myself. I've worked on various hobby projects, spent more time with my friends, focused heavily on trying to be a good parent, go to bed and wake up whenever I want to (don't have to worry about anyone else there), etc. Some of those things I did, or could have done, in my married life, but we fell into some patterns of codependency which are easier to see at a distance, less clear when we were in the middle of it. There was a lot of "I'll do something to make you happy, not because I want to do it" and that eventually erodes away at the pleasure of being together, and contributes to the loss of self.
Sometimes it's a bit lonely living alone, and I think someday I would like to share my life closely with someone again, though I don't currently feel the need to be married. But for now, I'm pretty content with my independence, finishing up with having teens in the house, and enjoying creating my own life the way I want it to be.
I hope that answers your question.
@GoingInCircles365
Thank you for adding to conversation especially about how hard of a decision and how difficult the process .... i too relate to losing a sense of self although i am finding it by doing things like being open and participating on this site.
it is hard even living separate lives to really have that self exploring when you wake up and still have to deal with someone.... i realize now my spouse is on his own journey ...... be it depression or feeling time passed him or what ever .... no matter what some people may say marriage is a team sport and if one is sitting on the sidelines the other can not play both parts and the only winning move is to quit trying to drag it all over a finish line by yourself.
@toughTiger6481
I agree that if you want a satisfying marriage, it really is a team sport and takes a lot of constant effort from both partners. If both partners go their own ways, yet remain married, it's more like having a roommate, and that's not what most people want in a spouse.
@GoingInCircles365
I would rather be a roommate then a person carrying the whole load
@Spearman60 I'm going to go out on a limb and try and offer some feedback and also ask for advice. I am a woman who is loving, caring, and often take initiative to make my partner feel special. Unfortunately, I lost a loved one in 2011 and then when I dated in 2019-2020 was in a bad relationship. A married coworker approached me and we find ourselves now in a 2 1/2 year relationship. He always expressed the connection we had because his wife didn't greet him when he came home, she was distant, didn't pay him the attention and he was more of her servant and responsible for things around the house. Why, then, does it appear lately that he's chosen her and pushed me to the side. Why can't he see that he deserves the love and affection that I've given him instead of settling for another 20 years of haphazard waiting for the children to leave. It's like they're roommates and I can't understand why he would suffer through that "for the sake of the children," It is never healthy for them and you are only prolonging the leaving.
@dynamicTurtle5141
Well, it's not easy just to move on and end a marriage. Through the years, I wanted out at times. Said I would leave after the kids were raised, and yet here I am still going on. I believe in commitment and have always been that way in things that I do. Yet, in this marriage, I'm getting tired of banging my head against the wall.
That's guy's wife is the same as mine so it sounds. Mine is an introverted passive aggressive type and it drives me crazy at times. But leaving and going our separate ways is not an easy thing to do. There's the financial situation, other family members expectations, etc. I've seen other's divorce and I've witnessed there hardships. Of course feeling stuck with no easy way out isn't fun either.If you're a woman who is loving, caring and take the initiative to make a husband feel special, then your a man's dream to have as a wife. A man needs affirmation and encouragement from his wife. Men's needs are very simple. But what a good wife provides for her husband for his needs, a good husband will reciprocate that back in many ways to his wife...😊
My marraiage is a challenge in that my husband has changed as he got older. More anxious, especially since pandemic, Never has fun anymore. Very sensitive adn gets grumpy more easily . It is hard to deal with when i am trying to keep a better mood and have a life,.
@Shaynaht
Totally understand that... same with my wife. She over states and over emphasizes her problems and hangups. Gets too stirred up over the little things. Working in retail for some many years has made her that way. She doesn't like people and barely likes me anymore... 😊
@Spearman60
I really think her job may be part of the problem as I used to work retail and the b s and stress followed me home my life did improve when i started working in another type of industry
@toughTiger6481
I wished she had made a job change years ago, but in the past decade, she decided she's too invested in it as far as 401K, insurance and all. She felt that it's best she stuck it out. However, it continues to drain our marriage bringing that attitude home with her most days and nights.
Today we were both home. She kept busy with her thing, and I kept busy with mine. I probably should get the "Jerk Husband Of The Year" award for admitting this, but I seldom get directly involved with her housework. She's so picky about it, that I would be constantly corrected and I don't want to put up with that. I mean, I got things I need to do too, so we don't let our responsibilities overlap with one another.
Today, I felt somewhat okay, but later I found myself feeling empty and gawking at my model train layout and my office that I need to straighten up. But I just didn't feel like messing with anything. Problem is, I don't have a close life partner with my wife to help with that unfulfilling feeling I have with my life. An unfulfilled marriage sure makes you feel empty and depressed sometimes.
How are you doing and coping with things?
@Spearman60
I am surviving .....
he is saying things again you know the i will try harder etc..... but zero ACTION towards being better
tonight we played where do you want to eat..................... he insists i choose ........then complains .... he cannot wear his hearing aid in small restaurants background noise is too much he says ........... so the waitress had a difficult time asking him sides etc...... i spoke up trying to help but he was offended ............. so tired of when she asks soup or Caesar salad.......... he answers blue cheese......not even a choice.
he asked me about starting over but i told him i will not longer "fake" feelings to appease anyone ........ it is too late ................i do not think feeling come back like that he says i say these things to hurt him.... took a nap when he put on a horrible movie we saw 10 times told him each time he does it i will leave room not just sit and watch over and over ....... he finally is aware i am no longer going to sit thru items or be nice about it.
@toughTiger6481
Going out to eat.... mercy, we hadn't done that in a long time. Covid restricted it for a while, but we still don't go out to eat. I actually thought about going out by myself and enjoy an evening alone. Got like 4-5 gift cards I've gotten in the past and hadn't used them. I could get a few free meals that way... LOL!
So do you still try to spend time away from the house or do personal getaways? If it wasn't winter, I'd like to grab the camper and the dog and just get away for a few days alone. Just go and enjoy peace and quiet and relax. She'd have a fit if I left like that and got away. She has to work tomorrow, so at least I'll have one day. I'm more relaxed when she's away. It kinda puts my mind at ease.
What's odd is my wife likes to re-watch shows too. She'll watch movies we've seen a dozen times... I'm to the point that it's a waste of time. So I go and indulge in one of my hobbies instead.
Hope you have a pleasant day tomorrow... 😊
Spearman60........
just do it ...... go out to dinner alone .......enjoy yourself .............i do lunch or nights i want something different...... his issue is once again he tries too hard .... assumes i like things that yes i did 15 years ago but that does not mean that is what i want NOW....
i asked him does he think i am some toy he left on a shelf ........... now that he wants to play with me again .....i was supposedly STUCK in time when he decided to not give a hoot about me?
i do as much as I can alone ..... think the camper trip is a good idea ...................my spouse KNOWS i do not need or want him to go anywhere with me..... he is really awakening to that fact............ and he is scared .......but too little too late.......
i think the watching over and over again thing is a way for them to lose themselves in if they were asked they can tell you what show is about but they really are not watching would be more productive to just turn TV OFF. why fill your world with background NOISE other then to drown out the nothingness.
@toughTiger6481
I think I will do the dinner alone thing. And when the weather gets better, I think I'll just grab the camper and "get out of Dodge" for a while and take my dog with me. Go on hikes and just relax. Meanwhile, she can work and sit alone at home, indulging herself in housework and re-watching her TV programs.
Maybe I'll find a compassionate rich woman to run away with in the meantime..... (just kidding... 😊)