You don’t have to be “liked” by everyone.
I’ve discovered this is a trauma response. Fawning. Trying to ingratiate oneself to others. Immediately trying to sense from communication or lack thereof one’s innate worthiness to exist.
It’s ok to not be liked.
The truth will set you free.
Supposedly, anyway.
I have yet to see it in action because mostly I suppress the side of myself that is caustic, judgmental, sees the world in color, responds to auras, sees numbers, worships kindness.
Those sorts of things. Though that is my authentic voice.
Being pleasing is a social lubricant.
White lies. Etc.
Part of the Racist, Homophobic, Misogynist, Capitalist machinery that keeps us all in line.
And our voices suppressed.
Is this a space where one might “try out” being honest?
Or is this yet another space where free speech is suppressed, oppressed?
Please don’t respond just to “please” me or to fulfill some quota.
For example, I’m aware there is some reward in “cheers” for people who respond to “needs response” threads.
Please do not send some cute animal hugging another animal and saying it’s all going to be all right, because frankly, it’s not.
Let’s see who actually reads through this message.
Let’s see if this message is still up tomorrow.
@PatienceImpatiens
I agree 😊
We are not everyone's cup of tea and that's totally fine 💚🤗
@Amanda84
Amanda, I love you, but if you read through my message, I specifically asked that you NOT send something about a cute animal hugging another cute animal. Please read it again.
But I still love you.
You are just who you are.
@PatienceImpatiens
I see that now, I do apologise and fair enough but you do know I'm here for you regardless 💚
I put a heart on your message ♥️ because I know you have a good heart.
@PatienceImpatiens
Thank you 💕
Hi, Amanda, I wanted to apologize to you on here for the whole cute animals thing which is actually very cute. And I am sorry I wasn’t in that sort of space yesterday. But being all offended and pedantic is not the sort of mature response I would have expected from myself. I would put a cute animal here but I’m on my phone so I cannot. You go out of your way to respond to so many people here, heroine’s work, and you’re kind to everyone. 🌿(olive branch) 🐰🐶(cute animals) 🕊️(peace dove)
@PatienceImpatiens
You absolutely do not need to apologise, in that moment you didn't need it, I understood and trust me to read, I don't want cute animals and post it anyway 😂💚 we are totally fine, 💚
@PatienceImpatiens
I note that you did still show love to her in your respectful response after she disrespected your wishes. This is great strength that most people do not have. You have done a lot of inner work. The truth will indeed set you free, including freedom from most people when you gain self-respect.
@PatienceImpatiens
And, should anyone get any “Oh, Patience off her meds” vibe, just go to your own space and share all that, because I have been off of everything save Ice Skating, Walking, Meditating, Praying, Healthy Diet, and friends cultivated through a mutual interest.
@PatienceImpatiens
Same, I got that, too. It's envy because they are still dependent on their meds. Your health will trigger a lot of unhealthy people just by you being you. People will also deliberately attempt to trigger you. When there is no charge and no reaction you have achieved full integration. This takes time and I am currently practising being aware of the charge and not reacting. I am very pleased to meet you, we are rare.
My religion is Kindness.
I also deserve to exist.
I'm sorry I don't have a great response, but I do agree with the religion is kindness.
@PatienceImpatiens
You also deserve to be HEARD. You have value and your speech has value because it is your TRUTH. The reality of this world is that most can't handle their own truth, never mind anyone else's. STAY STRONG and remember that most behaviours are unconscious, arising from lack from lack of awareness.
Hi! That is a good point to make. We DONT have to be liked by everyone. The only person who has to like you is yourself, anyone else is just icing on the cake, yeah? I know that is so much easier said than done, though. Honesty is good, as long as it is respectful. Being respectful doesn't mean being fake and pretending to like someone. You can dislike someone yet still be respectful. And you're RIGHT you deserve to exist and anyone who says otherwise should check themselves before they reck themselves. ^_^
I sent a heart to this message, but a heart sometimes means different things. Maybe it means I read your post. Maybe it means I like your post. Maybe it means I support you. I hope my responding to this message since it is not my message is not bad etiquette. Sometimes I have trouble communicating since I know this is an international secure private platform.
@reservedOwl321
A heart can mean so many things. It can mean I see you but I don't know what to say. It could mean I agree with you. It could just be a way to show support when you can't find the words.
@Remina yes that is a good way to put it. “Just to show support when I don’t have the words”. (Took the words out of my mouth as we say here)
It seems like it's pretty impossible to be liked by everyone and still be able to be there for them.
@reservedOwl321
I think it’s fine to be liked or loved by a very few people, or even just work on making a small corner of the world better, our own small corner. No need for tsunamis.
@PatienceImpatiens Oh for sure. Acts of God are scary things for sure!
I think it’s ok to be socially acceptable, pleasant and polite. And kind.
I guess I just think the “trying” for “likes” as in social media has gone a bit far.
Same here, as in people responding for the sake of responding rather than because they truly “want” to respond.
Original thought patterns are destroyed because there is too much socializing, or as a monk has said, too much embrace of our “lover.”
And, by “lover,” the monk meant, yes, our phones.
It’s the easy way out.
Much more difficult to do the internal searching of the self and the real work in the real world with real people.
Yes I wish I could be a monk. I'm completely serious, but I am female, so I could not. I'm not sure if you are male or female or where you are from or who you are, but Thanks for being a nice person, Great you are! We are doing your internal searching. Oops, talk to text, sorry!!!!!!! 💜
@reservedOwl321
I understand. Women can be nuns. I guess internally no matter where our lives are leading us, or how tied we are to daily life as in jobs, community work, maintaining a marriage, taking care of kids, we can develop an inner spirituality, or awakening that is not tied to sex or gender. I am often surprised when I listen to someone talk about their craft (for example, an athlete, or someone who has honed their skill at a niche interest), how often there is a spiritual component to what they do. In this way, we are connected by virtue of being citizens of the planet.
@PatienceImpatiens
Mindfulness of breath, body scans and progressive muscle relaxation have been a part of my athletic life well before I encountered mindfulness.
@PatienceImpatiens
Hi Patience! 😊 ❤️
Brilliant 💡forum post my sweet friend! 😊 ❤️ Your post highly resonates with me and on many different levels!
Ah, yes, the courage to be disliked can be a sign of emotional maturity and personal growth. You are part of my tribe. Life is not a popularity contest. To treat it as such is to, essentially, sell ones soul. To run around, trying to please everyone can be pleasing no one in the end and especially not ones self.
Sometimes, having a strong sense of self and dedication to walking a path of authenticity can be what is most valuable. It can mean being kind to others because it's what we value. We are kind to others because it's important to us to do so. That we understand that being extra kind can be a good thing as we never know what another is going through. This represents a choice! ❤️
I could not agree with you more that fawning is a fear response and can be a strong indication of past trauma or current that is actively going on. It's a desingenious behavior done in an effort to feel safe. Many times it's done with someone that is abusive, threatening in some way or another. Typically it's an effort to keep another person emotionally regulated when we are all responsible for our own emotional regulation.
We cannot regulate the emotions of those that are unregulated. It's emotionally exhausting and fruitless as typically the ones that lack emotional maturity in this way are highly unpredictable. It has more to do with their inner world and much less to do with us. Lashing out, responses that are way out of proportion for what the situation calls for, unable to take constructive feedback and so therefor incapable of learning. These are people that lack a growth mindset and many times just want what they want, when they want it. Stunted growth, carrying over many times from childhood situations that will remain unresolved until they choose to do the hard work for themselves.
Some will see kindness as weakness and patience as ignorance. Over time, when noticing that pattern, it can be time to "let them go". They need to "kick that can on up the road" and let them deal with someone that is capable of "giving just as good as they get". Release them to the universe and let others handle them, others that will match their energy as sometimes the hardest lessons are learned best.
I don't see that as mean spirited at all. To keep them around you is to thwart their growth that likely is much needed. None of us are put on this earth to be the repository for negative energy and emotional, mental abuse. I take the stance of "I cannot reach you, nothing more to teach you". (And we really can't ever teach anyone what they think they already know).
Some things that help me to keep things in perspective are "Do it anyway" coined by Mother Teresa and this little youtube thingy by Madea "Let them go". I hope you test drive them and I'd love to hear your thoughts!
Here for you and not cheers, a reward or to be liked by you. Hey, I know the secret, you like me and very much so 😊 ! I can tell, I can feel it right through this screen. You like me no matter if I have something to give to you or nothing at all. You're solid. You are a good person! I'm grateful for you and for your presence! ❤️
I send you big big *hugs* ❤️ (cannot resist urge to leave cute animal here 🐻. Hey, the animal isn't hugging another one, respects the boundary 😁. Hoping this made you laugh).
@SparkyGizmo
Dearest Sparky Spark Spark tiny meteorite dynamo,
Somehow this hit me to my core. And, I do like bears; I was in a dark place.
Sometimes I like my coffee without cream or sweetener.
Inhabiting another world, the world of the imagination, can at times be exhausting and one yearns for authenticity. But living in the world of imagination is literally what I “do.”
Authenticity.
Yet, here we are, with our pseudonyms. Yes, I “get” why it’s necessary.
I “get” that there are those who would prey on the weak.
I’m familiar with the works you cited.
I’m familiar with letting go: of things, people who were quite dear to me.
In real life, I’m a hugger who hugs.
In fact, after losing some friends in real life, and compounded by the social isolation of covid, after we got through all that, I would sometimes joke that “I will hug and I will make it uncomfortable.” Because you never really know what the future has in store for us.
I “feel” your here-ness, your presence, the present of your presence (that old acorn but oh so true).
Re learning how to be human seems to be a lifelong adventure.
Breaking old trauma habits by trying to create new patterns remains a challenge.
I appreciate you, Sparky Spark Spark, as I do many within this community.
I wish I could do better, but for now I will focus on having a peaceful day.
Kindly,
Patience
Here, I’ll throw down a painting for you.
@PatienceImpatiens
Thank you for your gifts! 🎁 Your thoughts, feelings, beautiful words to convey them, your art work! I really like it. I think I'll spend time with your gift of art a few times today, wondering what it might represent. What it represents to you and maybe how it "speaks to me".
Nothing to apologize for at all sweet friend. I require nothing of you, I'm sure you can tell. Come as you are! ❤️ You are enough! ❤️ I hope for you a peaceful day!
big big *hugs* ❤️
@PatienceImpatiens
Penny for your thoughts about your beautiful piece of artwork. 😊 ❤️
As promised, I have revisited it quite a few times, thought about it, considered what it says to me, how it speaks to me, saw the beauty in it and even considered it as almost an inkblot/Rorschach moment to, selfishly, sit in the space and consider the thoughts and feelings that came.
More importantly, I'd love to know what it means to you if you would ever like to share! It's okay not to also. Some thoughts are private and I respect that. Either way, thank you again as it made me feel a lot of things!
*high fives* 😊 and *hugs* ❤️
p.s. Someone hugging me until it feels uncomfortable, sounds like a little bit of heaven on earth.
@SparkyGizmo
Hi, Sparky,
The painting is of flowers in a sort of transparent vase.
Thank you for your kind words.
Well without even looking I knew you’d get a cute animal hugging message and…you did. It made me laugh but I want to reassure you that yes, some of us read all of your post. Yes I understand what you are saying.
And free speech should be respected, this just may not be the best place for it. At least not full transparency and not in the community threads. Mainly because there are children using this app.
Point taken. Yes there are some young people on here for sure.
@bbthx that made me laugh too. Well said.
@bbthx
That's great that you laughed. Another of my goals is maintaining a sense of humour and laughter in the face of disrespect is a way in which we can physically shake off a charge. Thanks for the reminder to take myself less seriously. You are actually HELPING. :-)
@PatienceImpatiens
I think there is a bit of "utility" in being liked. It can provide an indication of how effective communication is. At the same time, being liked by everyone suggests insincerity, superficiality, or identity diffusion, in which case the liking is based on agreement rather than authenticity.
It's nice to be liked by those who we respect and admire, but it doesn't always work that way. I worked with a guy in Hawaii who was "officially" and very outspokenly racist, and I was a member of what he considered to be a deplorable race. To say that he didn't like me is an understatement. He was my boss and we worked together day in and day out, and I noticed that although he seemed to be overtly resentful of me, he remained consistently fair and professional, ensuring that I had proper breaks and meal periods. It was the kind of situation where he could have worked into the ground if he wanted to.
I found myself admiring his sense of fairness, especially since he could have been unfair without consequence. There was never any friendly conversation, only an exchange of necessary questions and answers. Despite that, over time there evolved what seemed to be mutual respect. Beyond that, the tension between us seemed to diminish greatly.
Long story short, I was happy with the guy, even though he didn't like me.
Then I had a situation where my boss and I hated each other for a solid year. One day, I don't remember what the argument was about, but I was going off the rails, yelling at him. Although I was verbally attacking, I was feeling defensive. Then, for the first time, rather than think the worst of me, as was his habit, he really seemed to be listening. My agitation de-escalated rather quickly. Shortly after that, we began getting along really well, and established a high level of trust between us.
I truly believe that in that situation if I had tried to be likable, we never would've ended up being friends.
Appeasement and lies were my childhood survival strategy. Probably at best, the approach had around a 51% success rate.
My time on the planet has led me to the belief that even if authenticity results in things blowing up around me, I'm better off being genuine. That doesn't mean I go around volunteering my opinions.
I'd also rather be around people who honestly don't like me than those who would pretend that they did.
After all, if someone tells you they don't like you, there is at least some evidence of integrity.
@Spiritriver
I agree. I researched more on the “fawning” response and I decided I personally am fairly assertive.
Your passage illustrated some uncomfortable dynamics that can arise in work situations and it’s valuable to realize that setting those healthy self-respect boundaries through standing up for yourself worked for you.
I’m going to take this opportunity to plug this SOMATIC PSYCHOLOGY BOOK CLUB, in which there is a discussion of “The Body Keeps the Score."
Here’s the thread: https://www.7cups.com/forum/reading/General_2556/SOMATICPSYCHOLOGYBOOKCLUB_373718/
There is much more information in this book on trauma responses and reading it was partially the impetus of my post here.
@PatienceImpatiens
*high fives* 😊 for dropping the link for that.
I haven't had an opportunity to read it, in it's entirety, however I have heard much about it, reading excerpts, hearing others responses to it all. It sounds like a brilliant💡piece of work and one that will likely, stand the test of time.
Even in the little that I know about it all first hand, I'm confident that I too *live in the pages* of that book and it's something that has been on my mind for quite awhile.
*high fives* 😊 and *hugs* ❤️