50+ Check In January 26 - 28, 2023 Keeping Peace vs Boundaries

@SunShineAlwaysGrateful

UPDATED TAGLIST 1/19/2024

1st part

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@SunShineAlwaysGrateful

2nd Part Taglist

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@SunShineAlwaysGrateful I've been working on my boundary issues for some time, a couple of years, at least. Last year someone in a position of authority was dismissive and disrespectful toward me. When I privately complained to them they gaslit me by twisting my words and completely changing what I actually said. They did this in s way that made me look like I was being childish and unreasonable. I pointed this out to them. Then they wanted to meet with me privately to discuss the issues. I said no to protect my boundaries. I didn't want to be alone with someone who had been rude, dishonest, and uncaring about my health needs. I complained to the "board" about them and have gone no contact. I also stopped contributing financially to the group. 

My advice would be: be clear about what boundaries you have & why you have them--to yourself. You do not have to explain them to anyone else. And in maintaining your boundaries, be prepared to do whatever it takes. Stop being polite if you have to! If necessary you should tell to take a long walk off a short pier, whatever your preferred expression of dismissal... If you lose a friend, so be it. To my way of thinking, if that person was really a friend then (s)he would've respected your boundaries in the first place.

@SunShineAlwaysGrateful kind off I think, I don't know. Did I do things in the past out of fear of keeping the peace🤔 I've never thought of it that way. But now I do have a voice, and healthy boundries, and I do what makes me comfortabl and what makes me happy 😁😁 and I'm surrounding by great older folks here at the care home, and wonderful carers ❤ I'm very lucky to be here ❤❤ 

is your strength slowly coming back? How is your sleeping and breathing now?

@SunShineAlwaysGrateful if you grew up in my family you did not raise your voice or you heard about it or felt it. Of course if you have reasonable people around you you can reason with them. I did not feel I did growing up so keeping quiet can be a survival mechanism. After I was some distance from people I thin let my voice be heard and was labeled outspoken. But I did not cave.

I would suggest something different. Do not confront people who have power over you like parents, teachers, bosses etc. Rather develop the ability to be mindful and do not react inside or out and try to find that calm place inside. After you are safe reset your beliefs and do not cave in with your self esteem and self image. Do not let other's opinions and expectations drag you down to a place where you think less of yourself.

And if you are around people that encourage your voicing yourself, then sure do that. 

@SunShineAlwaysGrateful

Have you ever agreed to things you would rather not do to keep the peace? How did that make you feel? 

By not speaking up, I have tacitly agreed to things I didn't want to do because it was easier than getting in an argument.  And it didn't make me feel great.

What boundaries do you need or do you have such that you are no longer in that situation ?  

I've really grown up over the years and have slowly been finding my voice and not tolerating other people's BS. :)

What advice would you give to others who need boundaries ??

Start small, because it take a lot of courage to define boundaries.  So, start with something small, that you know you'll be successful with, and then grow from there.

Have you ever agreed to things you would rather not do to keep the peace? How did that make you feel? 

I did that a lot while growing up and when I was a young man.  I felt very bad about the situation and I resented the people who coerced me into doing things I didn't want to do.  I knew they weren't really friends, but they were the only people who would associate with me.

What boundaries do you need or do you have such that you are no longer in that situation ?  

I don't do things I don't want to do anymore.  I don't associate with those people.  I haven't in decades.  Unfortunately, I've had only a couple of friends in that time, too.

What advice would you give to others who need boundaries ?? 

I would advise them to learn to say "no" and walk away from the people who want you to do something you don't want to do.

@SunShineAlwaysGrateful

Great questions. 

The first thing I think of is this expression that basically surrounded my entire growing up experience. "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." It's a terrible expression. In hindsight, as a kid, I basically interpreted it as "just go along with everything whether you like it or not because if you tell someone 'no' that's not nice." Ick. 

Have you ever agreed to things you would rather not do to keep the peace? How did that make you feel? 

I most certainly have gone along with things just to keep the peace. It ended my marriage. It felt like I was losing my sense of self, personal space, identity. 

What boundaries do you need or do you have such that you are no longer in that situation?  

I value my personal time and personal space. I prioritize my physical and mental health. In most everyday situations, I try to make sure that whatever I agree to doesn't compromise that.

What advice would you give to others who need boundaries ?? 

When you aren't under pressure from another person or situation, try to think about what's important to you. Identify your own values and needs. Write it down if that's helpful to you. Try not to think of it as being selfish to take care of your own needs and respect your own boundaries.