Parenting adult children

@thoughtfulmomma

You’re a momma.

What I learned when I was in hosp with my adult child was that radical acceptance of where I was — was the only way I would get through.

And I learned that from one of the nurses who was helping my child during her shift. She graciously did yoga with him, joked with him, helped him to wash up. I swear I loved her, and through her example she taught me something.

Never ever give up on someone you love.

So, maybe I’m not in the strain of people who say tough love, but no one, and I mean absolutely no one, will ever love your adult child through all he is going through, more than you (other than perhaps a partner).

So, please don’t invalidate your feelings of love, because you are approaching all this from a place of love.

And even though it doesn’t seem temporary right now, and I don’t know your exact situation, I will assure you that this too will pass.

Like a Kidney Stone.

It may be painful but yes, you will get through this.

@thoughtfulmomma

Hi Thoughtful! 😊 ❤️

Thank you for your forum post, for sharing of yourself with others and I know that many times it takes a great deal of courage to do so! ❤️

You sound like a great person and a wonderful mother! ❤️  Anyone would be so lucky to have a mom such as you! 

Clearly this is coming from a place of love. You have been responsible for your child his whole life. It can be really hard to shift gears and "cut the apron strings" a bit. This has been a time of growth for the both of you. 

Having to be hyper vigilant, trying to see around corners when you really can't and doing your personal best to be protective takes a great deal of love and responsibility for another and especially when they are too little, too tiny, too small to take care of themselves.

Time for letting go a bit can be hard as you don't want to see others fail and especially when you have nothing but love in your heart for them. Is it a possibility that you may be what is called an empath? Is it a possibility that in your life, others failed you (caregivers, parents), didn't care as much as you wanted or needed? (It would be fascinating if that were the case as you said you are currently caring for your elderly parents now and I wonder if a lot is going on at a subliminal level? It's simply an interesting thing to consider). 

When these things happen, they can create core wounds and we, in our hearts, never want to be that way and be the "cause" of unnecessary suffering for others. Sometimes if we as people were left to our own devices, we make a secret pact with ourselves to never be that way. 

I have heard that something that could be helpful is to consider your good work as a parent. Did you do your best? Do you feel that they have been equipped with the skills necessary to live a good and productive life? If you put in the hours, love, and you tried, did your very best, well....there it is! Good parents lovingly teach their children right from wrong and at a certain age, you sit back and watch how it all plays out. *round of applause* 😊 Looks as if you have done some mighty fine work as he has successfully graduated from college! woooo - hoooo and *high fives* 😊

It's beautiful that you haven't thrown your child to the wolves. That you are still there as a sounding board should he have questions, needs, etc. 

Have you shared your feelings with your son? Sometimes thoughtful discussions can help with that. Sharing your concerns that you feel overly involved, full of worry can help. Maybe a conversation about what his responsibilities are moving forward and whatever it is that you see them as....as in things like, they are responsible for paying this or that bill, if they wreck their car they are responsible for purchasing a new one, things like student loan debt. and especially if you have been a co signer. Maybe having a final conversation about safe driving, safe s8x, drug use/alcohol and the dangers of doing so, etc. might be a good chat to have so that you know..........you said it. You did it! ❤️

Whatever the scary thoughts you are having may be, you can know that you tried, you did your personal best and then moving forward, you can let your son know that he can come to you with questions, comments, concerns,....if he is feeling unsafe, confused, scared and that you will trust him and his judgement to come to you when HE feels the need. Maybe letting him know that you will always keep the door open might help you both to feel better and that you still have a commitment to be that soft, safe space to land if he wants to talk about anything.

I see that your heart is hurting right now and it's out of love. ❤️

Thank you again for your amazing forum post! I hope that many others can come along, be a help to you, support you and even in your post, you're letting others know that they aren't alone in their feelings. 

*high fives* 😊 and big *hugs* ❤️

as an aside, if you ever want to change your user name as a way of transitioning, of letting go just enough, I imagine administration would honor that and allow you to change it. Your user name can be a constant reminder to self of how it is that you are identifying, as someones mother and you are allowed to be your own person with wants and needs all of your own. ❤️