Ramblings before the brain flicker switch breaks and the darkness prevails
Trigger warning for anything. I don't recommend reading this. I am old and my brain flickers often, kind of a reset thing. Sometimes I "come to" or focus and I have no idea where I am or who I am. Sometimes it's only for a few seconds and somethings become recognizable, sometimes not so much. I have reminder lists of certain things that sometimes help, sometimes it makes things more confusing. I think I have trashed these lists in the past in my frustration.
At this point , it seems that things have changed to the point that I must have been scared of how bad things were getting with the flickers. I am off work until testing and such can be done to minimize driving, unfortunately I have a few times yet of driving before I can give it up . A few of these appointments included. Until I can somehow navigate this messed up life I am stuck in.
Trigger warning, as always for anything I write. Multiple possible triggers may or may not be mentioned. So I recommend not reading my writings.
This information I am sure I have already mentioned throughout my many writings here. But the following is a somewhat condensed version of some things that I struggled to put together for an introductory message to maybe try a therapist here.
But after the long process of writing it, I realized that I have no clue to what the "focus" of that therapy should be. I obviously have a decades long history of a laundry list of things that were never helped with therapy and medications. Add in the most recent things and I am such a complete scattered mess, picking an area to start or what should be the focus is impossible.
I have too many issues to focus on, Severe depression, suicidal ideation, social anxiety, general anxiety issues, trauma history, disability, physical and mental health issues, cognitive issues, etc., etc.,
I currently am off work due to cognitive issues, memories (long and short term have been disappearing), short blackout periods (driving is a major risk), which is a major issue with ever considering working again) .
I have seen psychologists, therapists and related off and on throughout my life (mid fifties now). Obviously never helped.
The down side now is that I don't remember much of anything anymore, I take a long time trying to write simple things like this . Partly because I struggle with getting simple things from my thoughts to the fingers to type and to my mouth to speak.
Concentration, lightheadedness / dizziness, brain fog/sporadic short term blackouts (disorientation when I refocus), physical weakness, partial numbness in both legs and feet, those are the most recent additions. Also, quick to frustration, verbally.
Recently started the referral and appointment process for neurological testing and related to try and medically see if something can be found. The early stages of that process.
Lifetime of concussions and hits/bumps to the head. The most severe was ...about ten years ago (complete guess without looking at records) . It put a dent in my skull on the top of my head, I suppose about the size of a golf ball?? So suspected CTE or something related is suspected, trying to get appointments with neurologist in the area that has history dealing with this kind of thing, but it might not be for another couple months.
Done rambling for now
I don't understand why I am still....
Why should anyone have to try and survive for decades while everything continues to add on to the misery pile.
The recent escalation of symptoms is tipping the scales. Or possibly more accurately stated, crushing the scale.
There is a breaking point.
Trying to prove what I am experiencing is really happening is becoming a battle that I can't win. Disorientation, dizziness, overwhelming weakness, back pain, numbness in legs and feet, depression, anxiety, ....
It seems like I should have just continued to risk driving everyday until a brain flicker happens and something bad happens would be the only way for any chance of those who are supposed to be helping would believe these things are happening. I chose to stop driving because I know the risks of continuing to drive. But I still have enough cognitive recognition to know I have bills to pay , I suppose I will be forced to risk the consequences of a flicker/disorientation episode while driving and figure out how to get a job of some kind that requires the lack of any skills a worthless lump has just so I can pay my bills.
I don't know what I am doing anymore, I don't have the strength like so many others that struggle with worse things than me. To try and be proud of the simplest of things accomplished everyday. The struggle to regain composure while disoriented on my own. That is a continuous struggle that I want to be able to document, but after I get my bearings back, documenting is not something on my radar. Plus I don't remember details about it happening. The little flickers, I don't think I even register anymore. The ones that I think are definitely quick and/or minimal. The rapid and quick disorientation and a brief few seconds possibly of brain fog with a quick recovery of consciousness.
What happened to the days of getting in to see a doctor in a matter of days not months?
I had to make a choice between neurologists for certain testing and because of the history of issues I have had, I canceled the one already scheduled for one that is supposed to be more qualified in issues related to mine.
That meant that the one in a few days is no longer and it may be a month or two before I can get in to see the other one.
I was diagnosed with a new condition to add to my growing list. Some kind of thyroid disease. Hashi something.. hashimotos? Just starting a new medication, unfortunately, I have to take it before my morning medication .
So, I either forget the new medication or my usual medications.
Have I ever mentioned that I hate my life and my body? Probably, with as much as I have written here.
Making important decisions while doubting every decision I make. Large and small.
I wish you compiled all your records of your life and made a book. I would read it by heart. The ability with which you describe the events and pick the right words..are you a genius writer? Or do you have a fascination with the books of Dostoyevsky? Feel more curious about your story, the more I read.
@Bleakclarity
Thank you... I'm not sure how to respond to your words. I will try with the following...
I am no genius, far from it. I struggle with nearly every word. I struggle getting from my thoughts to the "paper" , I struggle with trying to be careful with my words because of the delicate nature of this community .
If you are truly interested in reading the things I have written, you would probably have better luck finding my writings here than me. I don't remember much anymore and I normally don't remember the things I write here after writing them.
I think that at some point after coming here , I began writing here with more of an intent to journal/document things that happen and realizing I would probably never remember those things. Maybe, I don't know, just a guess.
Your stories have inspired me. So vivid and so true-this must have been the hook for me.
Also, thank you for reading my comment and actually thinking about it's request. Even though you may forget what you wrote, your experience will be remembered by the hearts of many.ð©µ
Hang in there and don't ever stop writing. This time not only for yourself, but also for the people of this community, our genius writer fellow.
With everything that is going on in my selfish little corner, I suppose I have to admit that everything that I am struggling with has compounded my severe depression. One wouldn't think it possible but I think it has been proven so.
This thyroid thing is really messing with me physically and mentally. The pains and issues that are becoming prominent are ones I can't say whether or not they are new or not. According to my writings I have ignored as many aches and pains as possible, and just pushed through.
Those same writings also question the wisdom in not addressing them as they appear.
Either my anxiety is in overdrive or my hearing is all messed up now as well. Continuously hearing sounds like car doors opening and closing right beside my house.
I suppose it's making me try and get some sort of exercise by playing on my anxieties. Wobbling my lightheaded , feeble , tired body to the doors to peek 👀 out and see who's out there tgat shouldn't be.
It seems like I have transformed into one of those wobbly head toys. Head feels so heavy, difficult to hold it up
Can't seem to keep my eyes open. Not sure why it even matters.
How much more must I endure....this disease that they think I have, which may or not be contributing to the deteriorating vision, the constant headache which I am not sure is from the brand new glasses that I recently got.
I don't exactly remember things, I have to read my writings here to try and recall things. But according to them it seems that the past few years have really crumbled my physical health. Possibly because my mental health is barren of anything else to destroy.
@lamwhoiamwhoami ❤️❤️
Where in the world is @Tinywhisper11 ?
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I haven’t seen her around in a while. I hope that she is alright.
@adventurousBranch3786
I was just hoping that she would have at least somehow contacted someone here and let them know how she is doing...
Thank you...
@adventurousBranch3786
I am late to the party as usual, but I was going tyrough all my old writings and I don't see anything to or from Tinywhisper11, Lola......Now I am really concerned something happened to her.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami. Good news! I just saw a new message from Tiny 😊.
