Ramblings before the brain flicker switch breaks and the darkness prevails

I have been attempting to find  all of my old writings to try and gather a timeline of cognitive decline, and other things that might be helpful in the doctors diagnosis. Anyway, this has been very difficult and draining to accomplish. I did stumble upon A bunch of Tinywhispers writings to me which gave me a feeling of relief. I also came across a loooooong list of people that have reached out to me in those writings. 

     I hopefully will be able to remember to tag all of those wonderful people and thank them and let them know how precious their words are to me. 💞

I have been trying to glance through my different writings here. Under numerous different titles. I feel ashamed and guilty for not remembering writing them, and for not remembering all the wonderful exchanges/communications with so many people.

Realizing how much @Tinywhisper11 , Lola, how much our support for each other meant to both of us. Realizing that between my cognitive issues and the fear of writing here due to govt overreach may have had a drastic negative impact upon her.

The shame of having to read these things because I don't remember one of the most outgoing, beautiful, thoughtful, caring and supportive person . The mental strength and fortitude she tried to maintain despite her own daily struggles is something I envy.

The shame I feel because in a few hours I may lose these memories again.

This same guilt and shame also includes the fact of forgetting all the people who reached out , some just once or twice, some who stayed in touch through numerous writings throughout a lot of my writings.

I am wanting to go through those writing and write down all the names of those who reached out and then, I think tag is the word I am looking for. I would tag all of them in one post along with a message of heartfelt gratitude and appreciation for all of them.

An extremely annoying thing with the odd sporadic numbness in my legs and feet, the continuous feeling of something crawling on me or biting me. Probably different nerves getting affected by whatever is going on. The numbness in my feet makes walking, navigating stairs and uneven ground difficult. Lightheadedness/ dizziness, weakness is getting worse.

I am thinking of adding a separate title so I can list my writings in order of beginning date of writing them. Not sure if it would help but my possibly trying to reread them in some semblance of order would help with clarity? Maybe not, probably a waste of time.

It seems like everything I attempt to do turns into a long term struggle.

Whether it's from the physical weakness, or a head that feels like the supposed brain inside is a pinball bouncing around , or the exaggerated ADHD combined with extreme rapid memory loss (oh a squirrel, a bird, look a butterfly, what was/am I doing ?), or the lightheaded dizziness that accompanies most activity attempts (including just trying to focus my attention).

What to do when situations force you to continue to seek supposed treatment from a doctors office at a hospital  that has blatantly mistreated you each time you are there? this last time when I was hobbling out of the office the doctor, nurses and staff were all snickering and laughing behind my back as I was going out the door. 

Every day that passes just reinforces the worthlessness of my existence. The inability to physically function, the nonstop anxiety of everything, the depression is on full tilt, the extreme frustration with myself creates periodic vocal outbursts, the fear of the "regime of petulant children" destroying everything good in this country and around the world, the fear of that regime being in control of the funds I am desperately in need of , the complete fear of everything , of the utter and complete unknown, not having any realistic control of anything coming my way.

hug if it’s ok!!

Whatever the stage of progression with the most recent additions within my little piece of the darkness, it all appears to continue in the same direction that insists on adding five times the oppressing weight onto me then what I may happen to be able to shed.

This memory loss thing that is happening to me is unbearingly impossible to deal with, and even more difficult to explain.

Add in the anxieties, depression, frustration which simmers on the boiling point of anger, the constant feeling of helplessness, of worthlessness, the complete lack of confidence in everything that I do. So many other words could be added to this but I think the general picture has begun to be drawn.

This person that is attempting to help with some things surrounding my struggles, the person who claims to be my sister, I am grateful for. I frequently have doubts about my trusting someone who claims to be who they are. Especially considering that I will probably never truly know who they are.

The exchanges between us , which has been through email , I don't remember. I have tried to keep them, even print them out, so I could possibly reread them and remember or maybe trip something inside me to force me to remember. That didn't seem to work. It just added to my already overwhelming confusion.

I apparently exchanged a few emails with her late last night and I remember slivers of them but it's like seeing something in a sliver of light in a dark place, it is there but is it actually there.

Trying to complete this massive amount of paperwork for disability and social security and everything in between is beyond frustrating, it is a constant pressure on top of me. Asking for so much information about me, my past , my present, even my future. I barely remember the previous few words that I have written here, the ones that have already moved into the shadows. Much less things that happened yesterday, last month, last year........10 years or more.

How do other people manage to keep going.... suppose maybe for most others they are smart and fight the battles as they come. Unlike me, who seems to have went fifty years and all those battles have now become an overwhelming internal war that has me waving the white flag of complete surrender after the complete destruction of everything me that I never knew on top of what I used to know.

Realizing all the simple tasks that seem to cause struggles that are too embarrassing to mention. Periodically forgetting where a light switch is located or how to use a toothbrush, where the door is , which handle/knob is the hot or cold water, or which way to turn on or off.

The frustration of all of this makes me wonder how much more before it does more than suffocate me and it crushes me completely.