New here, my story
I’m shortening it but 58, married 23 yrs, have lived in so much turmoil over the years, always the one to try to fix the relationship, he gets whatever he wants, hides things from me. Recently found out he has been hiding $32,000 in credit card debit in his name only. Didn’t get mad, took over making sure payments were made, got him a lawyer, made appt. Found a job so I could help with payments (I have tons of medical issues). Working full time now. He started hiding when he’d have meetings with lawyer and then dropped the bomb on me that he wants a divorce. I can’t find anywhere to live. Apartments too expensive or the ones I can barely afford have waiting lists at least a year long. He’s emotionally abusive, unbelievably cruel and it’s all of a sudden with no explanation why he wants a divorce, refuses to talk to me about it. It’s not someone else involved, it’s not drugs or gambling. I’m losing hope trying to find a place to live. At first I thought we could go to marriage counseling but now I feel like I deserve better than this and just want out. I can’t even find a counselor to go to who has an opening. Everything is so hopeless right now.
@purpleBeechwood3310
How did he wrack up the debt did you find out ... Sounds to me like you were a great spouse starting work to fix his debt..... i think he has stuff to tell you..
i can see at a certain point you just want out. housing seems to be one of the hardest things to find.
He won’t tell me anything. He just says he’s not happy with everything - himself, with me, that he’s tired of being told what to do all the time? He’s always done whatever he wants, I don’t tell him to do anything and I don’t do anything without his input. His motto has always been “my job is to go to work” so I raised the kids, fixed the house, did the yard work, paid the bills. He went to work and football games as he’s a season ticket holder. Then I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and he had to take over mowing the grass and years later is still angry about it. He’s a slob, I clean up after him, he makes no effort. I went through the credit card statements and they were for McDonalds, Dunkin Donuts, the grocery store for his football games, he used credit cards to pay for car payments even when we had the money. He knows the job I took doesn’t pay what it would if I’d been steadily working but I was home taking care of the kids and house. He knows that I won’t have health insurance, can’t afford the $200 car payment, nothing. The past 2-3 weeks he’s been talking to me like we’re staying together and tonight I brought it up and he became extremely angry and said things that just aren’t true and said again he wants a divorce. After everything we’ve been through I just don’t understand.
@purpleBeechwood3310
Sounds like my spouse ...... he has never been told what to do always laughed at his buddys that had to check with the wife cause i let him do his own thing ....... now older and complains he was Micro managed and blah blah blah ......... he only see things on top shelf in fridge so he recently bout the third jar of jam want to scream LOOK ....... thank heavens i put away every cent i could cause he has paid bills we could pay on credit not seeing how he was paying extra with interest......
when mad he screams i want divorce ...... then forgets until next time he is angry ...... is it possible he wants to stress you out in how will you pay for everything yourself ? a passive agressive way to remind you he made money .... my spouse has tried that.
@purpleBeechwood3310
I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. It sounds like you've been through a lot over the years and have tried your best to make things work in your marriage. It's especially hard when one person seems to exert excessive power/control in the relationship, and it must have been a shock to find out about the credit card debt that your husband had been hiding.
It's understandable that you feel like you deserve better than this and want out of the relationship. Emotional abuse and cruelty are not things that anyone should have to endure, and it's important that you prioritize your own well-being and safety.
I can also imagine how frustrating it must be to not be able to find a place to live and to not have access to counseling. It's a difficult situation to be in, and it's important to remember that you don't have to go through this alone. We have resources on 7cups that might be of help to you as well. We are also a wonderful community of Volunteer Listeners that do our best to listen and support you. You can always reach out to us by clicking on this link - https://www.7cups.com/BrowseListeners/
What are some things that you think that you do for yourself right now to prioritize your own well-being and self-care during this difficult time?
The thing is, I want to work things out by going to counseling but he doesn’t. And I’m terrified because even with finding an apartment, I can’t afford my car payment, etc. I have an autoimmune disease and won’t have health insurance. I can’t afford a lawyer to help me with the divorce. Our son is in college and I did the fafsa wrong and all the loans are in my name. My husband insisted that we pay his groceries and utilities and that comes out of my paycheck so I am having trouble even trying to save money.
@purpleBeechwood3310 You are tough your situation is difficult but you can handle it You have lots of patience and it is in your best interest to use it
My sister keeps telling me to stay put and wait it out. He hasn’t told his friends or family that he wants to divorce me and he hasn’t filed. She thinks this is all to do with him being found out about the credit card debt and that once the bankruptcy hearing is over, he’ll calm down. That’s not fair to me to be treated this way and if he does calm down, I would want to go to marriage counseling and I don’t know if he would. The tension in our house is so bad that our cats are acting out, fighting each other constantly and today one of them actually peed on our bed, which has never happened before. If I do move out, I can only take 2 with me and he doesn’t take care of the cats. It’s such a mess.
@purpleBeechwood3310
Sounds to me like you've been a good wife to him and you sure have a lot of patience. And I can understand that you need a break from all this stress. Is there an option to stay with a relative for a few days, hoping the tension will decrease and help regain focus for the both of you? Something is obviously got him all worked up and frustrated. Not saying it's your fault, but he's acting out his frustrations over something. Have any idea what it could be?
I’m staying at my daughter and son in laws for 5 days next week to watch their animals while they’re out of town, so that will be good for me and I am hoping that he doesn’t like being alone. I think he’s angry about the bankruptcy and how this will hurt his credit, which of course his credit is bad already but he’s not seeing that and my credit is really good, which probably makes him angrier. He’s in this mess on his own and it only affects him and not both of us. He said last night that I told him he’s a failure, which is the opposite of what I told him. I had told him that he isn’t a failure and that I’ve never thought of him as a failure. I reminded him of this and he says I never said that. He’s angry that I haven’t held his hand through this process, but how could I when he hid from me when he had meetings with his lawyer and wouldn’t tell me what was going on? When I did find out that he needed to submit household expenses, I asked him if he’d included this or that and he said no, so I printed up bills for him, a big stack, and he was so happy during that process but last night when I told him I helped him with that, he told me that what I did was useless because he’d already given those expenses to his lawyer. He’s lying obviously, he was angry at the time and when he’s angry, he turns everything around and says that things never happened or accuses me of saying things I never said. I’ve asked him to go to counseling for himself and that just made him angry. As long as I pretend everything is normal, he’s fine and we get along great. But it’s been a few weeks and so I brought up if he still wanted to get a divorce and that just set him off again. I told him I don’t want to live in limbo, not knowing, and that he’s been talking to me like we’re staying together so I needed to know. That set him off. I almost feel that he originally said it out of anger, backed himself into a corner and now doesn’t know how to get out and wants to hurt me because he’s angry I’m not affected by the bankruptcy. You’ve made me think that maybe if I tell him I’m not going anywhere that he might feel better?
@purpleBeechwood3310
Well, I'm not sure how to advise you on that as far as leaving. I was just thinking that getting away for a few days might help to "settle the dust" for a while and give a chance to clear his head and help you both to get a better perspective. It sounds like he's dealing with a lot of tension and frustration (obviously) and he's just lashing out irrationally.
Are you able to keep your finances separately through the bankruptcy? Not sure how that works. I went through that 35 years ago when times were hard and it was a strain on us both.
Sometimes when a man feels trapped and powerless in their situation, we can tend to get somewhat irrational and lash out in ways that may not make sense. That may be what he's feeling right now.
I don't know enough about your situation to really give any clear advise on what to do, but try to keep a clear perspective on things, even if he's being irrational and lashing out in anger. 😊
Thank you so much. I have my own checking account. While the debt was brought up last winter, it wasn’t until the beginning of January that he started lashing out with saying he wants a divorce. I gave him a Valentine’s Day gift a few days early, it was a framed poster thing of a record where it’s made up of song lyrics, our wedding song. In the card I wrote no matter what happens, I’ll always love you. He looked stunned, said wow. That was it. He had just told me before I handed it to him that he’s serious about wanting a divorce, said some nasty things about me. So I told him he could burn my gift or throw it away. I don’t know where he put it. I should go find it while he’s at work and hang it up lol. I don’t know why I’m trying so hard to hang on to this relationship. I told him last night that every time we have fought, it’s always me who approaches him to fix things and work things through, he has never made an effort to talk to me or apologize even when he’s at fault. He shuts down completely when it comes to any type of confrontation. Once I do get him to talk to me, he will apologize and things will be good again. I just don’t know if this relationship is worth fighting for anymore and yet I’m still fighting for it.
I know laws per bankruptcy vary but as a married spouse would be surprised they do not effect both...
as Spearman said ...... some men tend to act out in anger and lash out when they feel powerless or Embarrassed about the situation they find themselves in.
take it day by day ........ try to only speak minimally to save arguments because as you have written he twists what you say .... i would advise your son that money to help him through school may need to be cut back on ...I am sure he will understand the situation
Is there any low income legal help in your area? sometime near me a law school has days where people can speak to law school students with professors to at least give good that are area specific ....if house was a joint asset banks should have never let him take out equity loans etc.
most grown kids KNOW what their dad is like and all three of mine have always said they support me in whatever i decide. in places to live or help in any way
The low income law university closed, but my state does have low income lawyers through the Bar Association and I’m just waiting for one to be assigned to me. Growing up, my kids were taken care of only by me. They know how he treated me and how they were treated. But now that I need them, it’s a no. When our son graduated, his gift was a road trip to Cali. I backed out because I wanted my husband and son to have the chance to bond, because they didn’t have a relationship. My son was upset and kept begging me to go. They came home with such a close bond that has continued and gotten stronger. So now that his dad and I are having problems, his dad has convinced him that it’s all me. I’m the parent who did his fafsa, who got the loans, who searched for months to find him an apt, who set up his apt, who battled fleas & cockroaches, who cleaned and cleaned, who got him everything he needed for the apt and also for when he got covid. His dad didn’t want to lift a finger and has only helped once. But yeah, I’m the bad guy.
@purpleBeechwood3310
Wow.... I wished my wife would fight for ours like what you're doing... 😊
She's just passive about it all. Acts like it doesn't matter much to her, just goes about her daily routine and doesn't bother to contribute to make it better.
Aww thank you and I’m so very sorry. Sometimes we get stuck in a rut, there’s so many chores to do and things to take care of and unfortunately, our SO gets put last on the list. Go out to dinner maybe? Talk to her about it and see what she needs? I hope it gets better for you. We switched bedrooms again because our bed hurts my back. He went downstairs to play a video game while I switched out our nightstands, he got clean sheets and pillowcases sprayed with lavender and a clean comforter. The new sheets I bought for this bed (our son’s old room) had a big yellow stain on them and some brown crusty stuff on the comforter. So instead of getting into bed, I had to strip it, put on clean sheets, clean comforter and throw the dirty stuff in the wash. He’s STILL playing video games. I don’t know why I am doing this to myself.
@purpleBeechwood3310 I'm a 53 year old male and my marriage of 25 years is falling apart. It does seem hopeless. I keep telling myself I can get through and maybe even have a richer life. Hang in there! I'm new here too.
I’m so very sorry. We did go to marriage counseling years ago and it really helped us completely change things around. I wish he would be willing to do that again. I wish you the best of luck!
@purpleBeechwood3310 Thank you. My wife is willing to try counseling. It's good to hear it helped. I've always been the one who was resistant. I think posting here can help too. It helps me to know that others are going through similar difficulties. It even seems a bit less lonely knowing that.
I agree about feeling less lonely. I’m grateful for everyone who has responded and keeps replying. Thankfully, when we went to counseling, we were both willing to keep an open mind and admit our parts in what we were doing wrong. Hearing each other admit we could do better helped a lot and we were given exercises to do that we practiced in sessions and at home. It actually became fun, because one of us would catch the other one using phrases we shouldn’t and we’d smile at each other and say no, no, you’re supposed to say this and we’d laugh and correct ourselves. I miss those days.
@purpleBeechwood3310
I'm so sorry he treats you like this. You didn't deserve that. There could be many reasons why he's so angry and mean, including mental health issues. Nevertheless, you shouldn't feel like you have to leave the home. If he want out, let him leave first. I suspect you have difficulties being assertive and stating boundaries. Do you have trusted friends and family members to talk about the situation? You need as much support as you can get. And remember, if he is abusive, you can call that law enforcement.
I’m laughing because yes, I am not assertive and have no boundaries. My psychiatrist had me buy a book on setting boundaries that I haven’t read. My friends know I’m going through this and they text or call me with their problems and ignore what I’m going through. I tried talking to my mom, even though we don’t have a great relationship and she ended up turning it around to talk about herself. Same with my sister, although she does just keep telling me to stay put and to start selling off as much as I possibly can of my stuff. My psychiatrist says he doesn’t want a divorce and I need to focus on me, but how can I try to do anything to make me happy when I don’t know what’s happening with my marriage, my life?
@purpleBeechwood3310
Firstly sorry to hear about the hiding things and him wanting a divorce especially after the 23 years of work you have put into it. You definitely deserve better and in my opinion any form of abuse is bad and the moment it happens if the other person is not willing to work on it then you should find an exit. Him hiding the debt is kind of scary in multiple ways as you don't know what else could be hidden and also that there is a trust issue on their end if they are not willing to share that with you. i don't like to give advice since i am not a profession so as a unprofessional suggestion i would say defiantly distance from this situation.
Now as far as finding another place to live goes you may have to find a place below average to stay before you find a place that you find acceptable. It is unfortunate but sadly how it is unless you qualify for governmental assistance though even then sometimes it isn't enough. have you thought about moving somewhere far way from where you are like maybe somewhere with cheaper cost of living?
I have to be within distance of my work. I’ve been searching for months for a cheap apartment. I’m on waiting lists. I even went as far as to ask my mom if I could move in with her and she said no way, even after I told her how he’s been treating me. I don’t want to find a job far away and move away from my kids. I’m just stuck. We’ve lived in this house for 19 years. I didn’t want it, it was in bad shape and I’ve worked hard to get it where it is now and it kills me that I’m going to have to walk away from all the work I put into it. He refinanced the house and took the equity without telling me and I’m not on the loan. He used the equity to get new siding but I had asked that we look into refinancing because the interest rate was at the lowest and I wanted to drop the house payment. Instead he raised it by over $200. Like he made sure I’d never be able to afford to live here on my own. I told him my goal was to lower the payment so we could get the house paid off eventually and he made sure that will never happen. I did happen to find an apartment last night that I can afford and will call Monday to see if they have any open.
@purpleBeechwood3310
I wish you luck on Monday with that call!! Are your kids grown? Have you talked with them about this maybe they can help you with a place to live until you are able to get one by yourself. It sounds like he is trying to make it difficult for you even after the divorce and that is even more reason to get out of there.
Thank you! My son is 2 hrs away in college, he has a studio apt. My daughter is 1/2 hr away, newly married and they bought a small 2 bdrm house and the 2nd bdrm is used by them. I don’t want to intrude on newlyweds! I also have four cats, I’ll have to leave 2 here and I couldn’t bring them to my daughter’s because the 2nd bdrm is also used by her cat, who doesn’t get along with our other cats. I adopted her and she hated the other 4, my daughter took her with when she moved out.
PB, when you have free time, read about narcissistic parents and how that makes you lack self esteem, assertiveness and boundaries. It almost sounds like you're surrounded by narcissistic friends too, and maybe your marriage is that way too. I'm sorry again. It's not a good place to be. Be assured, most people here are good and will try to support you as much they can.
Are you a psychologist, cause you hit the nail on the head about my parents! I’ll look that up and see what I can do to work on myself. Thank you so much!
@purpleBeechwood3310
Am i a doctor? If you're old enough, you will remember this on TV:
https://youtu.be/eHCTaUFXpP8
But seriously, there are some good videos on the topic and i identify with a lot of that myself:
https://youtu.be/1gS7uV6Bj0s
@purpleBeechwood3310
How you doing in finding an apartment? Hope you're doing okay...
I was just reading through the threads here and your comments on your situation... 😊
Oh my I wish you the best .I know what your going through.
How about consulting a lawyer online? Some freelance sites have people that would help you for verg cheap fees at least just as a consultation, that should provide a plan for you.
@purpleBeechwood3310 stay focused and positive i hope it gets better for you.
