New member who's likely to face a breakup soon
Hey,
I don't know what am doing here, probably want just virtual pats on the back.
A short intro about myself; 31yrs of age, live in northern europe at the moment but have lived in Spain, England and Australia in the past. I'm a gardener by education, but re-educating myself to be a Bachelor in Hospitality Management (only lacking a thesis and 20 study points, which translates to 2-3 months of school tops, as I already have the thesis pretty much written)... I am a social person but due a cannabis growing hobby I had, I had to be very careful socially so my social contacts are extremely low, but now some 117 days without getting high so don't judge me on that, I woke up from my stoned stupor - got sick of my ways...
My relationship trouble?
Been together 11,5 years with my girlfriend (since I was 19)...
About 10 years of that I was high on weed pretty much every single day, and it costed a lot of social things for us.
On top of that, I was smoking cigarettes occasionally too, which I lied about to my g/f, she caught me like 99 times (but also haven't smoked cigs in 117 days btw)... I cheated on her once a few years back (maybe like 4yrs ago), she found out about that...
Those are all the bad things I did
She has never did anything bad for me. Always been an angel. So in a way I can understand that I hurt her too many times through letting her trust down...
On top of that she moved to Spain two years back (been visiting her every fall and spring), and I was suppose to get the degree and go with her. I was very depressed and as you can see from the above text, I didn't get my shit together, because I was in deep depths. So, another let-down for her.
From the above you might think that "OK this is just doomed to fail" - but we've had a lot of good times together too, including a 16 month around the world trip. So we've tested our relationship in tight situations also (like, on the trip we got tricked by the Russian Embassy with our visas and had to pay a lot of money to get out of Russia, in Australia experienced a few tornados, in the pacific a few tsunamis...)..
Now she's telling me that I have let her trust down too many times, that she doesn't want to continue with me even though she loves me, because she has just got burned too many times with me.
I've made a lot of changes in my life in the past few months, and she has acknowledged them. But of course I know to show her real change it would take time, which obviously I don't have.
I don't know what to say to her to make her give me some time to show that I've changed - I didn't change for her, I changed for myself, was just so sick of me lying to myself.
She's coming to see me later on tonight. She could stay the night, but said she's unsure if its "makes sense".
I am a romantic guy and said that common sense and the ways of the heart are two different things.
The further I am writing this here, the more stupid I feel about this. What could you say to make it go well? I don't know; Maybe I am expecting some magic words.
I know we gotta talk about the problems, and we have seen a relationship therapist once (we're not married btw), and it became clear there that her issue is the trust. That otherwise she'd be all good to go with the relationship but she can't trust me.
This is the woman I'd like to marry, to have kids with.
I know if we break up, there won't be another chance for me to get to know a girl real good (coz let's face it; women my age want their babies before they turn 40), I don't want to have my kids with some random stranger (I am from a broken home)... But don't get this sentence wrong; I am not clinging onto this relationship out of fear, but for love.
I know maybe it is time for me to let go of her, I can't make her trust in me again after all these years, but a side of me is saying that I should at least try.
How to make her see that, or what do you think, is this a lost effort?
You're right, there are no magic words. I hope it works out for you both but there is never any way to be sure in advance. I also hope you've found listeners here you can chat with in more detail about how you feel about things. If you'd like to chat with me, feel free to send me a message.
@trilljack
We crammed into this tiny bed the hotel room had, basically it wasn't a normal hotel room, was some "Driver's accessory room" b/c the hotel was overbooked and she is only press, so... Bed was 80cm (2ft 7") wide... I am a 193cm (6ft 3"+) guy so imagine TWO person fitting in that lil tiny bed....
At 4 am I woke up, and felt like writing a poem about the situation after lying on my back for a while so that I was half off the bed and had to keep one feet on the ground for support... Got up, she wakes up, I just say you sleep, and she complains one minute after that the dim light the laptop is gleaming is keeping her awake, so I move to the bathroom to write....
I write for 1,5 hours, some 2 pages full of poem...
Then I exit the bathroom and just watch her sleep, with like this idea that this is the last night (the poem was titled "The longest night"), that when she wakes up in a few hours, I have to go, and it will be the last time we ever see. That I don't want to sleep that fleeting moment away, rather stay up and watch her for the small amount of time we got left. Sitting still in a room was once something that was impossible for me, but prison taught me that you should value the things you have when you're free (a lot of people who have always been free don't even realize this!!!!) - like this simple act of me being able to be in a room that is not locked from outside, I can freely stare at her, and I am free to leave if I feel like it.
I thought; "The old me would have already left, but here I am"
Eventually she wakes up and gets startled by me being there, watching...
Then we had a 1-2 hour conversation about our situation, and she being like "Come to cuddle" while my stance was "If I come to cuddle, that means you will give me another chance" -- She goes like "Can't you just come to cuddle without such big demands" -- I just stand my ground and say "Thats how it is, that either I come to cuddle for good or I am gone forever" -- She says its very hard to trust me after all those times I've let her down, that I've burned her so bad so many times... That she does not know if she can. That a part of her wants to be with me, part doesn't. That that's why she has kept me hanging all these months... (basically the whole summer)
Well then we're both in tears, and she has her arms folded, and I say "Can't you just open your arms and say 'come here, I give you another chance'?" and she cries and says "I hope it would be that easy" ... then I say "Well open your arms first, come on" ... she opens her arms... Then I say "Repeat after me; I give you" ... she repeats "I give you"... me: "Another chance" ... she: "Another chance" ... and then I say "Can you say it once more in full so you mean it?" and she goes "Come here, I'll give you another chance"...
And I went to her embrace and we cried... And kissed.
Happy ending?!?!??! I am so happy now.