Loving yourself is the greatest revolution: a journey towards a better self-relationship

Hello lovely people of the Positivity & Gratitude Community! I hope all of you are doing well. It has been a long while (more than a month) since I posted a forum discussion here. Today I would like to open a discussion about having a healthy relationship with ourselves. Feel free to check out >>THIS<< video which inspired/influenced me to write today's post. I have included some of my own explanations and a few points from my side. I hope you find it helpful!

Here are some points Heidi mentions in her videos, my own interpretation of them and a few more points:

1. Give yourself proof that you will show up for yourself. We all know that healthy relationships are built on trust, so just like that, even with yourself, you need to be able to trust yourself to show up when it’s needed. Pick a small thing to do for a short period of time only because you said you would do it. Sometimes you may talk yourself out of it saying, “maybe I don’t really need to do it” or “I will do it later” for the same, it is recommended that you start small and not set big goals right away. Challenge yourself, not to accomplish something but to prove to yourself that if you have made a promise to do something, you will show up and do it. It is important to trust yourself and simply saying that you do, won’t help, you need to back your statements with proof of you being accountable for things you said you would do. We have Acts of Service as one of the Five Love Languages, so for people for whom it is one of the dominant ones, showing up for themselves is even more important because it is seen as an act of service they can do for themselves. It is hard to show up for yourself because there are a plethora of things that you need to do and sometimes you have to let other things take your attention, show up for others. You may neglect your own needs for this but remember, you need to be able to trust yourself to be there. Imagine your best friend showing up for you for something that is important to you, first be that best friend for yourself.

2. Develop an awareness of your boundaries. Notice the physical feeling in your body when any of your boundaries are crossed. Do you panic when they are crossed? Do you desperately need a certain kind of reassurance or attention when you are not okay with something? Do you get into the all-or-nothing thinking? When you notice a sudden change in how you think, feel and behave, take time to step out from the situation you are in and develop an awareness of what made you feel the shift. You would be surprised how so many of us are not even aware of the boundaries that we have. It is okay to not be aware but it would be nice to notice how your body reacts to something and accordingly curiously determine your boundaries. In addition to this, also try to figure out how you can respond to the boundary being crossed with compassion to yourself. [Boundaries in itself is a huge topic that covers a lot of things, I will try to make a forum thread on it next time, an easy guide!] Boundaries are not about setting expectations on others on how they are supposed to behave, rather they have to do everything with you - what situations you are okay and not okay with putting yourself in. Once you know what they are, you have to show up for yourself, trust yourself and not put yourself in the same situations again.

3. Take out time to really think about your unfulfilled needs. It is not someone else’s job to uphold your boundaries for you - your well-being rests in your hands and you have control over what things you allow yourself to be affected by. If you are constantly looking for other people to help you when you feel bad about someone crossing your boundaries, you are going to be devastated if, for some reason, you are not able to get it externally. For this, take time for yourself, think in what ways other people help you and how you can safely give the same thing(s) to yourself. For example, if person A crossed your boundaries and you vent to Person B about it trying to get reassurance and have them validate how you feel. It feels good, right? Now, imagine it is not possible for Person B to be there for you and you need that reassurance, wouldn't it be nice to have a way you can give that reassurance to yourself? Like, how about you journal and then as if you are listening to a friend, validate that it's normal to feel the way you do and how it is okay to set boundaries for yourself (and convey it to Person A) so that it doesn't happen? If you would like to see how to love yourself, consider checking out this thread I wrote a while back >>Love yourself the way you want others to love you<< Every boundary that is crossed has an underlying need that hasn’t been met. Acknowledge your boundary has been crossed -> Ask yourself what need has not been met that resulted in the said boundary being crossed -> Try to figure out a way to meet that particular need in a healthier way. What happens with this is, once you realize that you have some unfulfilled needs which haven't been met on a continuous basis, then your boundaries are going to be crossed every single time. Figure out a way to fulfil your own needs so that you never have to be in a position to demand reassurance from someone else every time your boundary is crossed.

4. Differentiate fault from responsibility. There are two kinds of loops people get stuck in: “Everything that is not your fault is not your responsibility” and “Everything is your fault and your responsibility.” With the first loop, people try to give their past experiences, past trauma and challenges as excuses to treat people badly and not take accountability for it. The best way to put this in words is, “It is not your fault to feel a certain way/feel hurt, but it is your own responsibility to do something about it.” If you feel hurt by something/someone, it is your right to feel that way, you deserve to feel how you feel authentically, however, it is not fair to treat others badly because of how you feel. Take responsibility for how you feel, it is your feeling and you deserve to heal from inside. With the second loop of, “Everything is your fault and your responsibility” you are refusing to treat yourself with the same standards as someone you love. It is not your fault that you are who you are or where you are in life. You are not the cause of your problems but you can take responsibility to change the situation for yourself, moving forward. The main mantra here is, you are not at fault for feeling the way you do or where you are in life, but it is you who has to take the responsibility of making it better for yourself.

5. Have open communication with yourself frequently. Regularly check in with yourself. Consider checking out this post on checking in with yourself daily: Emotional Healing: Check in with yourself, A "Compassionate" Check-in (written by @DaisyDaph) and this to see how self-love can be beneficial for your emotional health - Self-love for emotional health (written by @Sunisshingandsoareyou). Ask yourself, “what went well today?” “What could have been better?” “What activity that you did today made you happy?” “What activity that you did today didn’t feel as good? What can you do about it? Is there a way to substitute it with something better?” When you take the time to really check in with yourself and are honest about how it felt to you, you will build a strong relationship with yourself, one in which you want to know how something made you feel, or what you wish was different. The best part is, you are not looking for more reasons for what went wrong, rather you are willing to develop an awareness of what could have been better.

6. Two words: Curiosity and Acceptance. Be curious about why you feel a certain or why you do a certain thing. Be honest with yourself about your intentions and accept them even if they are not in alignment with how you want to be as a person. No one is going to judge you for the way that you are or the way that you think. Sometimes, all of us get stuck in our head about what we need to be doing next or what this one thing says about our character, we live so much inside our own heads that we forget, other people are doing the same to some extent. Not everybody is noticing you all the time. So be curious yourself, and learn to accept the reasons as they are without trying to change them. Unconditional acceptance is extremely important for just about everyone because acceptance of something is supposed to be limitless. You cannot say, "I will accept you if/but ___" because that is not acceptance, that is conditional acceptance and it's just as good as not having any acceptance. Remember, how as kids, we were curious about every single thing that we saw around us? Be like that but with who you are - what makes you, you and take it a step further by accepting it.

Questions.

What kind of relationship would you say you have with yourself at present? What do you wish was different?

Say one kind thing about yourself (something you can do for yourself) and list some ways you will back that thing to prove to yourself that it is true.

Tagging some people who I think will like this post: @Sunisshiningandsoareyou @DreamTouch @Orthrus @peacefulIris56 @Amelia2324

And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye. - The Little Prince