Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check In - Wednesday October 4th 2017
Fear has been on my mind of late. Yes, I've been feeling fearful, and I have a dear friend also having to face their fears. In the past I've always allowed fear to stop me doing things. But rather than say 'I'm scared', I've found other excuses - like it's not the right time, or I'm too busy, or it's not really important. But I ran out of excuses, and yesterday I faced the fear and did it anyway. And guess what? It wasn't anywhere near as bad as I imagined!
Does fear hold you back? What would be different for you if you could conquer that fear? What are you actually afraid of?
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Does fear hold you back? yes all the time have lots of fear and anxitey all the time
What would be different for you if you could conquer that fear? face alot of my fears that i keep putting off or have put off in the past, some in the past that i put off that i wish i would of faced.
What are you actually afraid of? some fears i have is public speaking in small groups or even 1 on 1, wish i would on faced my fear of confronting/turning in my abuser but fear always over took me, huge fear of heights/spiders and snakes.
@Autismaunt14
You know it's not too late to face your fears? Life's great in that it gives us second, third, infinite number of chances to do something different. Do you think you could face one of your smaller anxieties and respond differently? It may just give you the boost to believe there's more you could change.
I hear what you say about your desire to have challenged your abuser in some way. I think there are a lot of people who may feel similarly - we're very good at telling ourselves what we should have done differently! The reality is though you should never have been put in the position like that to have been left with regrets. Your abuser was the one who did wrong, they are the one who should regret their action. I'm sorry you were ever hurt, or left with the feelings you're now experiencing.
@DeborahUK yah.
@Jesse9675
Anything more you want to say on that Jesse?
When thinking of those fears, do you have the courage to continue?
@DeborahUK u dnt knw fear holds ppl back because the mind plays tricks, tricks are fear and fear is a trick....
@Jesse9675 I love how simple this is. Sometimes fear is factual.
There was a quote not sure where it is from but went - 'Being brave is not the absence of fear, rather it is feeling that fear deeply but still doing things which are necessary.' In my book from 1935 fear is two things, the first is fear natural. A fear that is necessary to keep us and other safe, justified in all its right. Then you have funk and yes I will type that correctly. Funk is abnormal feeling of fear that makes people make mistakes or to (or not do) something for unjustifiable reason. I am feeling a lot of Funk right now... 3 and a half hours to school agh
@AmalieAnne
So glad you typed that funk correctly Amalie :)
Any ideas how to get out of that funk you're in?
@DeborahUK I kind of cried a bit or a lot. My teacher she is really kind and we talked to her before school started that helped. I did not forget how to sit in a chair and pay attention so that was good. my Funk was kind of not valid/true but I guess that is why it is called that.
I hate to admit fear dome times drives my anxiety, and I wish it would stop.
@Rebekahwriter13
Fear and anxiety do seem to work together don't they, both increasing the other.
I was given a tip that really helped me, and that was to see fear and anxiety as two monsters on my shoulders. Really imagine them, colour, texture, odour, shape, facial features. And now bop them on the nose. Go on, right in the smacker! Imagine their stunned look - they've tried to rule you all this time, and now you're getting your own back.
Bop, I'm not listening to you any more.
Bop, you're irrelevant.
Bop, shut up.
Bop, go away!
And every time they start up again, bop them! Maybe this sounds ridiculous, but it's something that stuck with me. I still have my monsters on my shoulders, but they're pretty tame now. We've just about made friends, and they're so much sweeter to me than they used to be, now they know I'm the boss!
@DeborahUK I appreciate that you explain them like that, but it's a long story. my friend said to do that. but now she made them stronger by abandoning me. So no I see them as robotic monsters controlled by her, with no pain tolerance.
@DeborahUK
My fear cripples me too, so much .. definitely being around people , even in small groups the fear of being rejected .
Afraid my hubby would withdraw his love ... I keep my feelings to myself..the fear the trust people with my kids I know I have valid reasons but it's so hard living with a noose of sort around the neck all the time..fear is tiring .
@energeticPenny8 I hear you with the fear being tiring. Sometimes I think I avoid certain things because even thinking about doing it, I know I'll be afraid and I'm just too exhausted to even go down that road. Fear fuels my avoidance.
Lately, fear of facing the truth has been weighing heavily on my mind. It seems that after spending most of my life wanting external validation of adverse childhood experiences, discovering that several other family members who also suffered in silence is equally daunting. It certainly removes those false yet protective doubts or perhaps wishes that these things never occurred. It is overwhelming at the moment.
@DeborahUK
Hey, it's been a while, but I am still here - just...struggling...
Does fear hold you back?
Yes, always, but I have developed ways to face it, even if only for short periods of time so I can get things done that I need to accomplish.
What would be different for you if you could conquer that fear?
I don't know if I will ever conquer it, as I don't think I can completely beat some of my fears. But, I think that I can continue to face it every time it holds me back. I have learned that if I walk through it that the next time I am forced to face it, it doesn't seem nearly as strong and it becomes more manageable. I guess that's the lesson. That first step, tho!!!!! GAH! It can take me a REALLY long time to take the first step towards my fear and well, sometimes I loose support along the way because it seems like I'm not trying - but really I am, it's just that those fears seem so insurmountable. I hope it gets easier the more often I face them. It doesn't feel that way right now, but maybe some day.
What are you actually afraid of?
My biggest fear is loosing the people I love, either through death or some other sort of loss. My husband, my children - I can't imagine my life without them and so many things I worry about are somehow related to my fear of dissapointing them or loosing their support or even them leaving me in some way. Yet, my relationships can struggle because of my fears - so it seems like a double edged sword, you know?
On another note: I am struggling with my physical illness lately and feeling really beaten down. To top it off, I feel like I'm getting a head cold or some sort of chest virus, so I'm preparing for that to hit me like a ton of bricks. I am taking immune suppresants that are pretty hard core so I'm not sure how this is going to hit me as it's the first time I have been sick while on this medication. I'm rapidly trying to get my work done in hopes that I complete it before I go down for a few days. Gah!
@KatieMoon1 I know that it's so easy to see the negatives in being held back by fears. But I find your story really inspiring and motivating. You talk about how you're always moving forwards. Sure sometimes it's slow. But at the root, YOU know that you're always improving and that's whose opinion is the most important. The fact that you've established a pattern and a routine for getting through your fears is the hardest battle of them all, I think. Remember to be proud of the work you've done up to this point!! You're a rockstar!
@Hoxenos
I find your story really inspiring and motivating. You talk about how you're always moving forwards. Sure sometimes it's slow. But at the root, YOU know that you're always improving and that's whose opinion is the most important. The fact that you've established a pattern and a routine for getting through your fears is the hardest battle of them all, I think. Remember to be proud of the work you've done up to this point!! You're a rockstar!
Thanks! I think it's hard for me to see that. I am actively working on self compassion with my therapist - this is the hardest thing for me to do. Sometimes, the efforst I make are not really for me. More for my family and my friends. Maybe some day, for me too. <3
@KatieMoon1
Oh wow Katie! I'm not sure you appreciate quite what you're achieving. To always be looking to take that first step, however difficult. To be able to draw on your experiences of when you've pushed yourself in the past. To be able to recognise and know that it does get easier. These are all really significant achievements.
And fear of losing the people you love, I think most people will identify with that. What seems important to me is to allow that fear to sit rationally. Yes, it may happen - but actually how likely is it? To allow your life to be dominated by that fear, or to limit your experiences for fear of something going wrong, that to me seems a worse fate than the fear itself.
I hope you quickly get over this impending cold. Stay warm, allow yourself to be looked after, and don't feel guilty!
@DeborahUK
<<Oh wow Katie! I'm not sure you appreciate quite what you're achieving. To always be looking to take that first step, however difficult. To be able to draw on your experiences of when you've pushed yourself in the past. To be able to recognise and know that it does get easier. These are all really significant achievements.>>
Erm. No, I don't think I realized even what I was saying. :/ I mean, I said it, so I must believe it - but I often don't see it. I guess maybe, I just remember it and use that to draw from. Idk.
<<And fear of losing the people you love, I think most people will identify with that. What seems important to me is to allow that fear to sit rationally. Yes, it may happen - but actually how likely is it? To allow your life to be dominated by that fear, or to limit your experiences for fear of something going wrong, that to me seems a worse fate than the fear itself. >>
Yea, I think I can see that too, which is why I work to let it go - that fear. It's harder when you have kids because it creates so much anxiety for me, learning to let them go while trusting that nothing bad will happen to them. That's really hard. To cope with that anxiety I don't watch the news a lot, I find it upsets me and I will then spend more time worrying about my family. It just becomes too intense. I feel bad though, that I'm less aware of what's going on in the world, as if I don't care in any way - but I do, it's just that my heart breaks and I don't feel like I have the power to change the horrible stuff that happens to people, their families and I'm soo, soo scared it will happen to us too - so I build walls, big bubble walls around me to keep the horrible things out.....:/ Ok, need to stop thinkin' about that.. Blah!
@KatieMoon1 🐔🍜
🤔 that second emoji was what came up when I searched gboard for 'soup' -- upon closer inspection, it looks (at least on my end) like a bowl of noodles with boiled eggs and corndogs. 😂 Regardless, i hope you get well soon -- and keep doing what you gotta do to manage, moment by moment. ❤️⛺
@melliotm
*lol* That's too funnY! Thanks for the soup! I seem to be doing okay - hoping that lots of rest will keep it at bay.
Today I am afraid that I can never have my life back. I am in love with my ex and we hope to get back together in the future. I am ready to try again now and he is not. We are both ill. I can't get any treatment at the moment and I can't stop myself from crying when I see him sometimes. He can't cope with this because he is too tired. I go a couple of visits with him and everything is great.. and then there is one that goes wrong, like today where I have to leave crying. I have CPTSD and I have to stay away from my safe place and person because he is too ill himself to cope with me being ill. So I am scared I can't make it alone. I am scared I will never get better and will never get treatment. I am scared he has or will stop loving me. I want to go home and I can't and I am scared most of the time about everything. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the psychiatrist to see if there is any news about treatment. I am scared about the outcome of this and the effect it will have on me. Then I am supposed to be going around to hang out with my ex- and possible future boyfriend and I am scared I will cry again and mess things up between us. I just want to go home to him and he says if we try again now he will not cope because he is too ill to cope with a relationship because of his own anxieties. I want to respect that and be there for him as a friend until he is ready to try again. But my heart is breaking. Living with him was the first time I ever felt like I had a real home.
@Kuma0187
I'm so sorry Kuma. You sound like you're in a really difficult place right now, with lots of things causing you worries.
Once we find ourselves in quite a negative mindset, it can be really hard to get out of. Because, as seems to be the case with you, we can be inclined to focus on 'what if it goes wrong', rather than 'what if it goes right'? And it's at least a 50/50 isn't it? So for example, when you say you're scared about the outcome of your psychiatric appointment and the effect it may have on you, you're presumably assuming a negative outcome. But what if it's a positive one?
I recall being at a work conference a few years ago, and we had a presentation by someone who was really thinking outside the box. But they were new ways of thinking to us, and lots of people were raising concerns - what if this happens, what if that happens. Until the speaker said 'but what if it works'. It's so simple, but it was a real light bulb moment for me. To really look at things differently, and to just imagine, just dream if you like, of a positive outcome. Because you never know, just as things sometimes go wrong, they also sometimes go right too.
@DeborahUK
I actually think really positive. But the question for today was what are you afraid of.. so I thought about that and answered. Most of the time I do think about positive outcomes aswell and do a good job in my head of balancing the two.
My real difficulty is that my anxieties and PTSD related responses to things occur in my body on an unconscious level that gives me strong mood swings before I have had the chance to do any thinking at all. Like today when I started crying and couldn't stop. That happens first, and then of course negative thoughts and other fears follow and layer up. But I do not have a negative thinking problem for the most part. Thanks for trying to be helpful though.. I appreciate the ideas, but I can be thinking the most positive way possible and still one trigger overwhelms me and I don't stand a chance of staying calm inside.
@Kuma0187
My bad, sorry :)
I ask one question and read into another!
I really hope tomorrow works out better for you than you fear.
@DeborahUK
Thanks for caring :) It was a really tough day but I made it through :)