Would you take some time to read me?
Hey, I'm a 21yo girl who has being struggling with p*rn addiction for several years. English isn't my first language but since I'm fluent I won't have problems expressing myself here, so please keep reading.
I already tried treatment with a former psychologist and it actually worked for some time, but since I relapsed I have been failing over and over again, and this keeps me frustrated since I have been trying for so long, I thought that at this point I would be already healed from this *** addiction.
I have been into a relationship for almost 2 years now, and I love my partner, I really do, he wasn't the reason I first started trying to get rid off this addiction, but he turned out to be one of them since we started dating. By saying that, we're a really comunicative couple, and we already talked about this topic in the beginning of our relationship, we came to agreement that watching porn was a kind of cheating thing. We've promised to each other that we would get better on this from that day.
Turned out he seemed to be able to get over it easier than I still try to do it, he seemed to have successed on his promise, while I'm still here. And my love for him is making me uncomfortable, because I know I can try to do more than I currently do, I know that this isn't fair with him, and that's why I'm uncomfortable, I need to be a better version to myself and to him.
I have been non-religious for years, but I'm currently attending to some sunday's mass, even though I have never been into a catholic church ever in my life, I felt like I needed to come back to try to get closer to my Lord. I really felt that, not specifically in the catholic side, but turned out it was like that. I know some of you are not religious and this is not a problem for me! It really isn't, I'm still not converted, and I totally understand if you're not willing to be, but I just ask you to be empathic and comprehensive about what I'm gonna say.
Since I was doing the treatment with my psychologist (She's an spiritism worshiper) I allowed her to talk about the spiritual side of that addiction and she oppened my eyes for several things about this, If I had a desire of getting closer to Christ, that desire grow even more by that time. Time passed by and when I started to attend to the mass the temptation, the shame, the guilty started to get worse than ever did. it was like I was being tempted all the time, I swear, all the time. And since I relapsed, the guilty has been unexplainable. I don't believe that this is because of the church's rules or things like that, but more like I'm being persuated to think that because of what I still do, I'm not good enough to try to be closer to God, that I'm not good enough, that I should stop trying to get over this, since is within me.
I forget to say, but I'm also a adept of less social media, not because of the addiction but because I like this life style. I don't have ***, nor *** or other platforms anymore, so this is already a form of preveting myself of keeping in touch with sexualized material, but it seems like all the thing in the internet is sexualized nowadays, and this triggers me a lot, at least in the beginning, I know this may not be a problem when I recover of this, but today is, and I need to admit it. So I'd like to know what you guys do to preveting get acess to this type of content.
I already talked with some close friend and even my mom some days ago, but even with that I lapsed again. I need to get better from this soon, I need to be a better versions, I need to honour the faith those people have in me, I ask for your help.
People have recommed journaling to me, I don't know how to do it, and I don't even know if it workd to this kind of addiction, but my first step is here by writing all of this, it has been a long time since I wrote this much.
By saying this guys, I thank you all for reading until here, and I beg for your replies and reccomendations of what I could possibly do or try to be a better version of me. Thank you!
@Luh098 Hi dear, thank you for opening your heart and sharing your story! I wrote some thoughts about addictive behaviours here: https://www.7cups.com/forum/addiction/General_2437/Overcomeaddictedbehaviours_361588/ I hope it can help you somehow! Have a nice day and I truly believe everyone can change to better! Keep on hoping and never give up on you :D
I can connect with you because I'm also suffering but since 1 week I discovered something and that is whenever I relapse I forget about the days I resist it no matter how much day so instead of regret I used to gratitude me for not doing this and one more thing don't take it too much seriously try to set some other target to achieve .
You're not failure because your trying and those who try they never fail. you can do it.
@Luh098
Hey! First of all, thank you for being so open. This is a hard topic and not everyone is willing to share about it.
I'm really sorry you're struggling with this. From what you've written, I can understand that this is causing you a lot of pain and frustration. You've been struggling with this for a long time and so it's normal to feel exhausted. You've already made a lot of important steps... finding a professional is amazing. Sometimes, when we start treatment, it feels easier to stop or control our addictive behavior. That’s natural because we’re excited to start a new chapter in our lives. But then relapses can happen. They don’t mean failure. Relapses are part of the process, part of healing. What matters is that we don’t give up and keep getting back on our feet. Recovery is long and can be challenging.
You mentioned your relationship and it’s understandable to feel guilt. It’s really good that you’ve been open about this with your partner from the beginning... that’s important. Everyone has a different healing process and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. You’re doing your best and that deserves encouragement, not judgment. Keep open communication with your partner. Let him know when you need support and share that you’re trying your best. You’re not a bad partner... you’re working through something difficult.
I also understand your religious perspective. I'm a Christian, and from what you wrote it’s clear that your faith is important to you. Let me however say this - Jesus loves you. He loved you when you weren't religious, he loves you now and will always do. He sees you now and everytime. He saw you writing this post. And he's smiling and giving you the strength. He knows your intentions, he knows you're struggling and your struggles are important to him. He wants you to get closer to you but your addiction doesn't mean you're not good enough or worthy.
What I see in you is a strong young woman who is really trying her best, exploring new ways to get through this and that’s amazing. Maybe you don’t see it because your mind is focused on relapses, but the steps you’ve already taken show courage and determination. Social media and sexualized content can trigger urges a lot, so your decision to limit exposure was very smart.
Relapses are part of the process. Many people give up because they set unrealistic goals, like “I’ll never watch porn again”. Journaling can help...it’s okay if you don’t know how to do it. Just take a paper and pen and when the urge comes, write anything....words, sentences or even draw. Get your thoughts and energy out.
When the urge comes, you can also try simply being present with it. Sit down, close your eyes, place a hand on your chest and notice your breath. After a while, reflect -why do you want to act on this urge? Is it worth it? How will you feel afterward? Even if you give in, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Each time you notice and respond thoughtfully, you practice self-control and build resilience❤️❤️
