Get anxiety whem parents tell me a frime Frame but are late getting home
Trigger warning: mentioing fears of accidents, death or injuries
I'm not sure why but when my parents tell me a time frame (or on rare occassions- a time) for instance if they're going to a party they tell me they will be home between 8-9pm but they don't come home until 10 (I think one time they got home closer to 11pm) and I'm worried to death they're been in an accident and are either badly injured or dead. My anixety after like the first hour gets really goes from like 1% to 60% and the longer they take to get home it goes zoom from 60-100%. Sometimes depending on where they are I might have to even look up to call the place to find out if they're still there. Like today Mom told me that they would be home by 1:30pm but Dad got delayed at the denist until 12:45pm when he finally got seen. They didn't get home until closer to after 2pm.
My parents don't understand my anxiety and they say "They can't tell me a specific time frame" or they tell me "You can't treat a time frame like an appointment time". They don't understand that I think if they aren't home when they tell me they will be home-they're in an accident and that frightens me.
I'm not sure why it worries me it might be because we don't really have a plan (despite me begging for them to put a plan in place) for if something "happens" to them except for the fact that I would have to live with my older sister who I'm don't have a good relationship with. I am trying to fix that mind you.
I think for parties I think maybe one of the reasons they get home later from the time frame is they don't want to leave until "someone else leaves" because that's how they act when Mom's family has get togethers of more then just us and the host's family, and Grandpa.
But this happens on a number of occasions the latest being today as I already mentioned. Once in 2012 I was home alone by myself for two nights on my own -(Friday&Saturday night). On Sunday they told me they would be stopping into see my Mom's parents in their new (then) retirment home. I think they told me they would be back between 3pm-4pm on Sunday. Its gets to be 4pm and they aren't back then-so I had to call the retirment home and ask for my grandparents' room.
They have told me several times pre-covid they would be home between 8-9pm after Christmas parties but they get home either closer to 10, or once 11pm-and by that point -I'm calling whoever's else they're at.
In May of 2020 my parents had to go up and clean out grandparents' stuff from my uncle's flea market storage because the town was closing his flea market down. And I think they told me a time (can't remember what)-but they were coming home at like 6-7pm and I thought they told me they would be coming home like maybe 5-6pm. And this is basically the only time I didn't have a way to contact them. I didn't have a number for the flea market, and if they weren't there I didn't have a way to contact them in the car because they didn't take a cell phone (the next day they did). and called me after they were leaving the flea market).
When I was a teen and younger, they did the same... you are getting worried cause you are home and every detail reminds you of them.... Right now I am 26. And I do the same to them as they did to me in the past... sometimes I do because of angriness and sometimes it is not so I want to act like that, it just happens. Now they yell "Where?" I say have work to do....
@tatevv I'm 33 years old. And what's worse is my parents don't understand that if they tell me a specific time frame they have to be home between that specific time frame and not be after it but NOPE they're like "You can't treat an time frame like a doctor's appointment". They don't understand that if they aren't home during the time-frame they tell me they will be home at I think they're in an accident.
Mine did the same... I was 10 or 11, my mom was a depressed woman and left me alone and went to hospital to check whether she was cancer or not(the result negative), but I was left in the house thinking everything.... She almost always didn't answer my phone calls... now sometimes I do it too, cause she calls me and says "bring a loaf of bread"
Right now they yell at me for no reason, fights, horrible behavior... I don't care... I am gonna leave the house in future and live alone
@Disneywoman
Have you had a past experience when someone had an accident or something and that is why it bothers you so much? Are you always on time if you have a schedule or is it ever flexible?
i know what it is like to worry about accidents and such.
I too take time frames i think more seriously then others ........and I expect someone if they say between 6-7 to be there......
but truth be told things happen and time does get away from some traffic delays road work / some one else accident ...... an appointment running long........ or in case of visiting with someone an engaging conversation that takes longer .....
It is a hard habit to break for example when my spouse was going to the store for one item and took longer then i expected it drove me crazy and when he walks in with several items as he did some shopping .....a simple reason....... but i worried about accidents when wondering why it was longer then i thought ..........so you are not alone in these thoughts
@toughTiger6481
Except for my older sister's two accidents there's not really an accidents I'm aware of which causes me to have axniety when my parents coming home later then they said they would be.
Even before my sister's accidents-I had this anxiety issue whenever they came back home late from somewhere. To the point I have to call either the person whose, house they're at, the hairdresser, or the other day I had to call the laundrymat to find out why they weren't home yet.
I think for parties the reason they leave late from those things despite telling me something like "We'll be home between 8-9pm" but come home closer to 10, or one occasion 11- is they're one of *those* people who don't like to leave a party until "someone else leaves".
@Disneywoman
There are many who seem to think an hour or two either way is not big deal..... they simply do not get why we would worry or in sometimes panic about being later etc.......
if you have explained to parents they most likely not concerned ... but maybe like i did with my late person they learn to call or text that things are running late ....
@toughTiger6481
As I said before when I tried to tell my parents the other night that when they are late getting home they're like "You can't treat a time frame like a doctor's appointment". I AM THE ONE treating a time-time frame like a doctor's appointment? They're in the ones who are treating it like a doctor's appointment always coming later then the time/time-frame.
And also as I said before- I'm pretty sure for Christmas parties that they go the reason they show up later then planned home is they're one of those types of people who believe leaving first before anyone else leaves is "rude". Because that's been my experience at Mom's family get togethers if its more then just us, the host's family, and Grandpa. That I get tired and cranky about 7pm about being at my Uncle's and they're like "we can't leave until someone else leaves". So it means i'm stuck there until someone else leaves before we can leave.
Sometimes we didn't have a working cellphone in the house, they forgot to take a cell phone, or they don't think they need a cell phone. Like Mom thought they would be back by 1:30pm-so she wouldn't need to take a cell phone for between 11:45-1:30pm. Even when we do have working cell phones Mom might forgot to call me before they leave.
And on Tuesday this because Dad's taking back my sister's car to my sister (and also Mom delivering/getting laundry from her as well)- it means both my parents will be home late because they'll have to take a train home from (Sister's place). And yet they're SO convinced that we might be able to have fast-food that night. I just think it should be just a fend for ourselves supper just in case there's train delays, or something. Espcially when Mom and I have plans the following day
@Disneywoman When I have a free time and money, I rent a hotel room and it really helps me. I forget about them. Sometimes home reminds you of them... just maybe try to change the surroundings and place, find an event to attend...
@tatevv Renting a hotel room wouldn't help me because when my parents are out- I'm suppose to be "guarding the house". All I would like for them to do is to come home at the time, or time frame they tell me they will be back by/around and not an hour till an hour latter then that.
I think they should just "let go" of the notion for the Christmas parties or family get togethers with more then us that "leaving before somone else is rude" and be able to leave the party EARLY to get home in the time-frame they tell me they will be home by (for Christmas parties).
U should stop them! U shouldn't be the one to guard the house...U know I always feel guilty for my mom, and today she said "So u want me to clean the floor panting? " 🤦♀️ and guess when she said? Today i saw she was getting tired.... minutes after I said "Why do u torture urself? Don't do that", she acted and talked the opposite....... what about finding places when they are home? And just move out or u feel lonely moving out?
@disneywoman so I tied to talk about my leaving Yerevan... and I said I am going to be out if city as a volunteer... she yelled "Are u nuts?????.?" I say "Why offending me??" And she "Volunteers clean the trash" my God 🤦♀️ and I am still waitng for a reasonable response... there are many types of volunteering... marketing volunteers. Translator volunteers.... why trash? Cause she said "I saw on TV"
Or maybe they just are late cause they are having a romantic time... Who knows
@tatevv
Nope they don't have a romantic time anymore except for going out to supper on their anniversary. Thats there's only romantic time. And that was actually the only time they came back actually ON time, like the other times I have mentioned when they came back an hour or two hours after they said they will be back.
I just got out from hair salon, and turned on my phone to see 4 missed calls from mom.... actually there are times she won't call at all and I call waiting minutes and minutes for answer.... its really tough, family relationship, they insist on i bother them and I am concerned too... I am from Caucasus, and I want to go to Tbilisi July 12. How am I gonna tell them about that?
I CAN'T stop my parents from going out to Christmas parties or for Mom to go to her HAIRDRESSERS for her hair appointments or for her taking dam laundry to my sister's.
With the Christmas parties my opitions is be bored as *** at someone else's home if we're there for over five hours or stay home and guard the house for the same amount of time.
My Mom needs to go every two months to a hair dresser and it would be the same as Christmas parties-be bored to death at the hair dresser's home, or guard the house.
And the one time they were alway for 2 nights and I had already seen one if not both of the two plays Mom and Dad were going to see (Mom got free tickets)-I had only one choice in that matter- stay home and guard the house for 2 nights- because Mom only had 2 sets of tickets- (one for her and one for Dad). Not to meniton I would have gotten bored as *** at grandparents' retirment home and I would have been 140x crankier even if I had been able to watch the plays again- because it would have meant about 3.5 days without a computer.
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