I don't know what to do
Sorry if this is the wrong forum for this. I'm also sorry that it's so long.
I've always been the type of person that never felt strong emotions. I've always been shy and introverted, but have always been able to function Ok at school and at work and in typical social situations (most of the time anyway), but I've almost always avoided unnecessary social interactions whenever possible.
I got married really young, for the typical reasons, and somehow, stayed married for a long time. But, from the beginning, it really didn't matter to me one way or the other from an emotional standpoint. I know that sounds really bad, but that's just the way it was. No, my wife didn't do anything wrong, it was just me. She's the only reason the marriage lasted as long as it did.
I'm in my forties now, and I can honestly say that when most people describe love I have no idea what that feels like. I mean that sincerely. I've never felt it, and would't recognize it even if I had. So it wasn't a factor for me during my entire marriage.
To add a little more context, I will say that I don't remember ever really being happy. I also don't ever remember being sad, even with the death of friends or family. I have felt anger (at least, what I think anger is) a few times, but mostly I just feel annoyed, if anything at all. I've always just kind of faked emotions at times, just so people wouldn't think that I was a psychopath or something. I'm definitely not. Just really really numb.
After being separated from my wife for close to two years, for some unknown reason, I decided to make an account on a dating app. I have no idea what possessed me to do this, but there was enough interest from other people on the app to have made it worthwhile. But with my stupid shy/introverted nature that I can't seem to get over, the chances of me EVER actually following through with any of it are basically zero. I got married so young, and was married for so long, that I never needed to learn to date or interact with women, or to develop any real social skills. So, I'm basically screwed as far as the dating scene goes.
Whatever. I'll find something else to do. I hadn't dated or interacted with women really at all for close to two years, so I didn't care - or at least I thought I didn't. A couple of days after I had come to this realization, something inside me seems to have broken. I don't know what triggered it...a song or some random interaction maybe? I don't know, but, I actually started feeling sad...I think...or something close to it. It was NOT a good feeling at first, but I kept finding myself sort of drawn back to it. Like I would WANT to feel it, even though it felt bad. I would listen to sad songs and watch sad movies, and any other sad thing I could find, just to keep that feeling going. I know that I sound like a crazy person, but it was something that I'd never really felt before, and feeling something was better than nothing.
But now, I'm lost. I don't know what to do. Unless I'm really preoccupied with something, the feeling just stays now - without any extra input from music or whatever. I know I can't just keep doing this to myself, but I also don't want to go back to feeling nothing again.
I don't know how to stop feeling the way that I do, so that MAYBE I can feel something else. MAYBE. Based solely on the previous forty-something years of my life, I don't have a lot of hope. But I think I should at least try something. Maybe someone here will understand, and won't think I'm crazy.
Please tell me what to do.
@InMyBubble77
You are not alone. what you wrote I can say I have experienced too. I am suffering it now. I do not think I was never happy/ sad or angry.........I just did not know what it was as it is IMO different in many people.
I was a people pleaser never told someone when they really let me down or *** me off, I just forgave and each disappointment was stored away.
Something or more specific someone happened to me, and it awoke all my feelings made it harder to control and I am so mad at what I missed. When we do not express things but store it away, we run out of space if the closet opens all things fall out. just enjoy things let yourself feel meeting new people is a way we can become better as they do not remember us NUMB. we can express our feelings more freely then.
I want to blame my spouse as he seems numb to everything ... never happy if he gets close to happy, he complains .... tells me things that are bad are OK and tries to look on the positive side instead of just admitting item was bad. He erased all my good memories by downplaying good ones. tries to make average things seem better than they were. when we go along, we forget what we enjoy but play along with how others think.
I can no longer live this way. I want to feel ... many people i think are like this always acting numb so they are never disappointed, but they also are never satisfied either.
@toughTiger6481
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I can relate to a good bit of what you said. I don't believe that your spouse and I are the same, but I can imagine that my wife (who was a VERY emotional person) probably had similar thoughts or feelings to your own.
I don't have a good explanation for why I never felt emotions in the same way as everyone else. My wife did recognize it though, and over the years, she drug me to a few different therapists and specialists to try and get some answers. I was always hesitant to tell the therapists the the truth for fear of being labeled a psychopath or a sociopath or something like that. I know that I'm neither of those things, but it was still something I was worried about. The one time that I did manage to somewhat convey how things were, the therapist told me it was borderline personality disorder, or something along those lines. That really didn't mean anything to me then, and it doesn't now. I was perfectly fine continuing to live life as I always had, oblivious to what I was missing. No love, no happiness, no nothing. Just existing. But I didn't care.
But now, I know that I'm not completely broken, and that I CAN really feel something other than annoyance or frustration, somehow, after all this time. I just don't know why or how. And I don't know how to change the way that I feel now.
Like you, it just makes me feel worse knowing that I've missed out on the true human experience for most of my life, and I can never get it back.
I know I sound like a whiny child. Sorry for that. I'm just hoping that I can do something - anything - to change what I have going on right now. Thanks again for your insights.
@InMyBubble77
you sound understandably lost. It is hard i worked hard to climb out and fell back in to being no feelings. A thing you said struck me. in afraid of talking or really sharing instead maybe say small bits that just scratch the surface. In the end I think saying things even the hard things help/
When it gets to a point and spouse and I have had deep conversation when he lets go of more, he gets closer to being human and he feels. I think some of us have been disappointed before and so we never let ourselves feel.
It seems as if you’ve been numb to emotions your whole life, but have you ever tried to discover why? Not to say that there was something in your past that triggered this, because maybe it’s something medical.
@thoughtfulmomma
You are correct. I've been this way since I was old enough to have memories as a child.
The answer to you question is....sort of.
I was tested and told that I wasn't autistic or anything like that. One therapist told me that it was borderline personality disorder (I think....I hope I'm not getting that wrong). But there wasn't really anything I could do about it, so I was just like, whatever. I suppose it could be something medical (I hope it's not), but I doubt that there's anything I can do about that now either.
@InMyBubble77
I'm no doctor and therapist or anything close, but have you ever read up on the term alexithymia?
@thoughfulmomma
Actually, I did hear that mentioned as a best guess from a couple of different therapists. At the time, I wasn't interested learning about it, or even continuing to pursue any sort of therapy. I just didn't care enough, I guess. But, now that you have reminded me of it, I guess it's time that I try to find out more about it. Thank you for your input.
@thoughfulmomma
Ok, so......I've been reading up on alexithymia today. I can see how it could be a possible explanation. I can 100% relate to almost all of the listed signs and symptoms. Some big ones were the inability to identify or verbalize any sort of feelings, and confusing emotions for bodily sensations like hunger. (My god, I am always hungry....).
Also, while reading up on this, it reminded me of something that I had failed to mention before. My sibling and I were both diagnosed with ADHD way back in the 80's. I've been taking one type of ADHD medication or another for most of my life. Definitely for my entire adult life, except for the seven year period that I was in the Marines. They don't like giving stimulant medications in the military, so they gave me Sinemet for a while instead. I guess it worked kind of, as I was pretty successful during my time.
Anyway, the one thing that really stood out to me about alexithymia, is that one of the main indicators is lack of imagination. That one does not apply to me, like, at all. I've lived a lot of my life inside my own head - in my imagination, instead of actually living. I mostly attribute that to my ridiculous introverted nature.
I don't know if that rules anything out, but that one key symptom really stood out as not being applicable for me.
@InMyBubble77
That feeling you're feeling may be nostalgia with a pinch of melancholy.
As humans, we always have emotions. If not, then we won't be able to feel the walls, our foot, etc. So, I'd say you do have emotions. You just don't feel them as intensely.
Apart from this unique condition you have, I'm not sure if there's anything else. You seem pretty calm and contained.
The question now is if you see it as a problem or are like "whatever" about it.
@Axovizure
I know that I have emotions. I've never really doubted that. I just don't know why I never felt the same way as other people. But now that I've experienced whatever this is, I do want to feel them. I want to feel happiness or love. I just don't want to feel this sadness, or whatever it is all the time. I can't possibly go back to the 'whatever' state of mind. Not with the way I feel right now. Please tell me what I should do.
@InMyBubble77
Well, that feeling may just be melancholy, as I've said. If you learn some new words for emotions, your experiences will make sense. I'm not talking everyday emotions, but many others. There's a book called the "dirctionary of obscure sorrows" where someone documents these emotions. You can give it a read to understand yourself better.
Also, you ask me what you should do. By that, what do you mean? As in to feel better again and not sad?
@Axovizure
Yes. I really want to know what I need to do to stop feeling sad, or melancholy or whatever this is. But, does that basically mean finding something that makes me happy? Because I really really don't know what that would be. I know that I said that I don't want to go back to being numb, but at this point I think that might be Ok too.
Thank you so much for the book recommendation. I will definitely check it out, and try to learn something about myself.
I take that back. I don't want to be numb anymore. Except for the sad part.
God, this sucks.
@InMyBubble77
Sorry about the questions. I'm just trying to get a rough idea of what you want...
Please do ask me questions.
I want stop feeling bad. I want to feel like a normal person. I want to experience actual happiness. I want to be able to go out more and stop being afraid to interact with other people. So many people have tried to be friends with me, and I just couldn't allow it to happen. I want be able to let people in. I just don't know how.