Need some reassurance that my partner isn’t cheating! The worry and anxiety is crippling 😔
I was in a very severe domestic violent relationship for 17 years. He gaslighted me, cheated on me, made me believe I was worth nothing and wouldn’t find anyone who would put up with me… my two beautiful boys were also badly abused. We were controlled to the point we couldn’t choose our own food.
it got to the point where I was certain he would kill one of us and I fled with a bag each…
he killed himself a few weeks later.
even though I wasn’t looking I met someone and he seemed amazing! Patient kind, put in effort every day, made me feel special and loved. Showed my kids what it looked like to treat their mum properly… it’s been 4 years and the last year has been ***! He went from open phone to hidden and locked down. Has a woman from work throwing herself at him and he doesn’t shut it down. They now are inseparable.
I’ve spoken about it, asked for reassurance and explained how my past affects my thoughts and feelings of safety. He used to care so much about my feelings and tell me it wasn’t my fault… now just says that he shouldn’t suffer for some other guys mistakes and that I suffocate him and he should be able to have friends as he’s never had many close mates.
I am getting so desperate I just need to know… I’ve offered to leave if he doesn’t want me anymore but I feel like he just doesn’t want to be the bad guy!
I’ve spoken to my trauma councillor but she just wants to focus on my trauma and childhood which was also quite hard and full of abandonment and distant parents. I’ve been taking anti anxiety medication for 12 months and anti depression medication for about 3 months. I’m still feeling like I can’t hang on and I’m drowning… I’ve tried talking with a few listeners and I think I’ve been too much or there have been some triggers… I thank you so much if you’ve read this far I could really use someone to talk to or some reassuring words… ♥️
@HollyJade14
Thank you for reaching out. I can sense how stressed you are and understandably so. I can only imagine how hard you have had it.
I am glad you found someone better and one that has put in effort. Almost every relationship has its challenges. Not feeling secure in your relationship regarding trusting your partner can be very challenging. I understand that you are looking for reassurance. It seems like the signs are not helping you feel better.
When we have experienced a significant amount of trauma, we are so scared of reliving it again that we want to get up and leave the moment the going gets tough. Your worry is valid, but until it is confirmed, it may not make sense to jump right into action. It could be that his phone is locked because of what you suspect and it could be that he is hiding things because he feels like he can't share that part of his life with you.
It may be helpful to ask for specific ways you can give him his space and express that you are not concerned about him having friends but rather feeling uneasy with his closeness with another female. Ultimately, we can't force people to befriend or unfriend someone. We can however state what we are feeling. So use ''I statements' like 'I feel unwelcomed, threatened' and focus on communicating your feelings rather than dictating his actions.
I am glad you are working on yourself and while it can be frustrating not to have the reassurance you want know that you are capable of handling any outcome even if it is not the one you desire. Remember you can sit with your discomfort and uncertainty and you don't need to make any major decisions right away. I hope you are exploring exposure therapy for your anxiety. It can be helpful.
Thank you so much for reading my post I really appreciate the reply. I just wish I could have the answers so I could find the peace!
@HollyJade14
I can understand many whom have had bad relationships hold the next relationship to constant scrutiny. Yes the phone thing and this other woman interested in him are things to talk about ... but what was more telling is his statement that" you are suffocating him" and he is tired of being compared to a past bad relationship. he probably understood at first ....but how long is he on probation and held responsible for past trauma caused by someone else.
It is far past time to sit down.................... and have a serious talk about where do you as a couple go from here? .... not about cheating or accusations beyond that .... but real where are we at? .... where do we want to go with the relationship.....etc. both need to hear what the other is saying ...... most things collapse with little or worse BAD communication between partners.
Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to respond. I needed to hear what both kind listeners had to say. I just wish I could find some answers and peace!
Listv the things which shownyou partner doesnt cheat like he cares or take you out
