How can I (15) relieve hobby-related anxiety (and feel better during this pandemic)?
TL;DR: I (15F) got so anxious last May that I lost all interest in all of my hobbies. Ever since then, I've been off and on getting back into them, but every time I get back into them, I’m scared to lose them again (which always happens). Some of them also can give me anxiety due to controversies and conditioning, which I can never get out of my brain. I always feel better when I have my interests, and they make up a big part of who I am (which I feel like I’ve lost). What can I do?
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I’m really feeling hopeless. I’m kind of desperate, because I can’t keep doing this to myself for the rest of my life. I’ve always struggled with anxiety, but it’s gotten slightly worse since joining junior high back in 2017. It was starting to get better once I started to get my footing with friend groups and being more involved in life, but due to the pandemic isolating me from all my friends and the outside world, my anxiety has skyrocketed (and possibly developed into depression). I was doing okay at the start (March), even though I felt a little off, but once it hit May, I truly started to panic. All the time stuck inside with nothing to do gave me too much time to think, and I began to worry about every little thing. I had one event in May where I went completely numb for a week, and I was terrified. I felt nauseous, had headaches, could not stop crying, but I felt so empty (even when crying, I could feel tears rolling down but nothing in my chest). It left, and then it came back again a week later. Ever since mid June, I’ve been completely numb, disconnected, and tired. Because of this, I’ve lost all my interest in the things I loved— the things that kept me going at the beginning of the pandemic and the many years before that
With my hobbies, I’ve been off and on getting back into them. Usually it’s one at a time, and I start to feel better, but then something comes up and I lose interest in them and start to feel very anxious. Because of this, I have accidentally conditioned myself to become anxious when I’m getting into my interests. The longest I’ve been into the majority of my hobbies has been a week, and that was a month or so ago. Before May I had no issues, really. I would do anything to go back to those times. I know I said I would do anything to fast forward during those times, but my god I was wrong. Now I’m terrified of the future, unhappy with the current, and longing for a past I cannot get back (and also sometimes worry about… ughhh).
Also, and this is what’s probably holding me back the most, and I’m scared to say this because it sounds like such a teen girl issue, but some of the music artists that I love(d) and adore(d) have been drug through the dirt when it comes to controversies. Most of them aren’t too serious, but I’m often worried they’ll turn into something like that. The worst ones are just based off rumors, which I don’t want to believe but it bothers me sometimes. Though I obviously don’t know them personally, a part of me felt connected to some of them, especially the ones who also struggle with anxiety or have a similar thinking. I had a general respect and looked up to them, and I’m afraid that they’re nothing like they seem. This is what hits me the most, my anxiety has always been triggered by people ending up being nothing like they seemed. I’ve had some experience with this in the past, and even now
Now that I’ve lost a large interest in my hobbies, I feel like I’ve lost a big part of myself. I was always proud that I knew who I was, and even though deep down I still want to be that kind of person, I don’t feel the same connection to that or myself as I did before. I’m worried I’ve just grown up, and that I might even be nothing like I thought I was. I guess for context, I am somewhat on the spectrum of the stereotypical “it’s not a phase, mom” kind of person. I wear all black, love alternative music, tend to have similar views found in the scene, and feel no need to change myself to fit in with the majority (no, I’m not like the Im Not LiKe ThE OtHer GiRls kind of person). Ever since late 2016-ish (when I started to go in that direction), I’ve felt a strong desire to become this alt, tough, yet nice woman, and I miss that desire. I've never felt so safe, even though these past few years have been rough anxiety-wise. Not feeling connected to myself (or anyone around me, which is worse) gives me so much anxiety
I’m sitting here writing this feeling like I’m going to vomit. I’m tired, have a headache (possibly unrelated to anxiety, thanks wisdom teeth), and have lost interest in my hobbies and life in general. I feel like crying, but I’m too tired to cry. Nothing even happened really, I just got reminded that I’m probably going to get disinterested in my hobbies again, and then saw a controversy that I already knew about. I'm sorry if I sound dramatic, but I just thought I’d be better by now. I always thought that some event (whether it’s the start of summer, my birthday, my favorite season (fall), favorite holiday (Halloween), an end to something that’s been bugging me for 4 years(...), or starting to see family again) would help me get back up on my feet. None of it has worked, and I just get worse every time it passes. Now it’s spring break, and I feel like I’m going to have too much time to worry about this again. I'm worried that the end of the pandemic won’t even help. I’m so lost, if anyone could give me some advice that would be very appreciated
Note: I’m unsure about therapy. I was going to start, but my parents seem like they’ll do anything before that
@convivialSea6241
Hi there! I'm a mom to a teenager, so I'll apologize if I get a little too "mom sounding" during my reply. :)
First, I'm sure other people have told you this, and I struggle to say it because it sounds so...fake sounding, I guess... but you are not alone in how you're feeling. You are 15 and have only had 15 years of life experience. A pandemic was not something anyone prepared you for so you are learning how to deal with it along the way. I am 50 and a pandemic was something no one prepared me for, so I am learning how to deal with it along the way. But with me, I have 50 years of life experience, and I've been through a lot more garbage in my life so I have learned how to deal with things a little better.
I don't want you to beat yourself up about feeling bad. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO FEEL BAD AT THIS TIME. Things suck right now. Everyone is struggling, but you and the other teenagers have it bad. And I think the elementary school kids have it really bad. At 15 you have a sense of what's happening and why, even if you don't like it. Try to explain all of this pandemic stuff to a five year old.
So, it's okay to feel bad. If you need to cry, go for it. I'm a big crier. If I'm hurting, I'll cry. That's natural. I understand it when you say that you keep hoping a certain event will make you feel better. I think we've all been feeling that way. Last year it was "if we can just get to the end of summer" and now no one really wants to hope for anything because as soon as we start hoping, it gets taken away. "Can't wait for that first concert of the summer!" Nope. No concerts. "Can't wait to have Christmas with my family!" Nope. Gone. "Can't wait to cheer for our varsity footbal team." Nope. No sports.
And it just keeps going on and on. It's hard to hope. It's hard to dream about a more positive future right now. And that ties into your hobbies if they are controlled by what's happening with the pandemic.
Can you think of something small that you like to do that is totally controlled by you? Meaning, do something that, no matter what is happening pandemic-wise, you can do it. Drawing, writing, creating awesome Spotify playlists.
As for musical artists, the one thing you have to realize about them is that they are just people. Maybe they make a lot of money and maybe their faces are plastered all over the internet and TV, but they are just people. They have problems. I always like to say, hey, they may make millions of dollars, but they still have to go sit on the toilet just like me. :) Some of what is said about them is true. Some is false. Some of it is purposely made up to keep people talking about them. Remember the phrase "the only bad publicity is no publicity." If people aren't talking about them, they don't exist.
You just have to remember that they are human. I have had some of my all-time favorite musicians in the past die from drug and alcohol issues. When I was younger, I held these people in higher esteem because their music made me feel good, and I felt a connection. And when they OD and died, I felt lost and betrayed. But they were just humans, struggling like I struggle, like other people struggle. They just happened to lose their struggle unfortunately.
Anyway, I'm starting to ramble. :) 7 Cups is a great place to come and chat and reflect and get some perspective on how you're feeling.
