I just want to be normal
The pandemic has made me less sane that I was before.
I had stayed indoors for 5 months, going out very rarely. At some point it had been 2 months of staying inside and I just had to go out for a walk or I might have actually gone insane.
That was because of my country's 6 month lockdown and because my family is very scared of COVID(I live with 5 other people, 2 of them being old) . This made me "forget" how the outside world was. I was not used to anything besides my house.
First time actually going out to see my boyfriend, the car ride made me sick. And I have had panic attacks and anxiety before, but it had never been so bad.
I was afraid of cars then, fearing I will get dizzy and throw up. And I have emetophobia and even feeling dizzy causes me extreme anxiety. I actually feel I will die whenever I feel like throwing up.
But it was not just the cars. I had to get used to seeing long distances. I felt like falling every time I was out. I was afraid of crowds and people in general. Because my family is so afraid of COVID, they made me equally afraid, if not for myself for them. I was afraid to go to my boyfriend's house because it was the first time going out that I got dizzy there and my stupid brain connected his house with dizziness. I was afraid to go there, because I was sick once, I could feel sick again and I could throw up.
But I couldn't let that happen.
I didn't stop seeing my boyfriend, but I ate less whenever that happened. I ate less whenever I had to go somewhere with a car.
And now that my uni has started, I'm afraid to eat because of might panic during the lectures, and if I panic I may get dizzy and I may throw up. And I can't let that happen.
It's been one week since my uni started. Last week I skipped a day because I was so anxious I couldn't get out of bed.
And today I cried three times because I couldn't get on a bus.
I haven't gotten on a bus a year+. Every thing I am not used to is a threat. And the bus is one of them. There are too many people on a bus. And although that's not really my problem -I mean it's not covid-, I'm still afraid. Because I might get dizzy, and I might not be able to get down. And the people around me will make it more difficult for me to get down. It's just that the bus has no escapes. I won't be able to get out if I do panic.
I waited with my boyfriend for 2 hours seeing the buses pass by. Because he helps me and being with someone on something so foreign will help me. But I couldn't get on. And I felt trapped there, unable to go home.
I've never felt this hopeless.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I just want to be normal
@ScaredHamster
You ARE normal. You're just struggling with some issues. We ALL struggle with issues. That doesn't make us weird or abnormal. It makes us very, very human.
It sounds like maybe you're trying to do too much all at once. You were inside for months, and now you're pushing yourself to hang out with your boyfriend, get on the bus, attend class, etc. Of course you're going to be overwhelmed!
Think about people with an injury that keeps them bed-ridden for five months. They don't just jump out of bed and run a marathon. Their muscles are weak. They take small steps. They do little activities. They take little walks. And as they get stronger, they do a little more, go a little further.
Can you just start by spending time outside your home - sitting in a chair outside, or walking around your neighborhood, but not too far from home? Do you have to get on the bus for school or is there an alternative you can use?
