Overwhelmed
Today's been a really crappy day. Canceled plans I've been so excited for, big fight with my spouse about getting rid of my dog and my son has been screaming for about two hours. I just put him to bed and finally get to breathe but I just keep crying. I'm not sure if somethings wrong with me. I love my son and my fiance more then anything. But somedays I feel so overwhelmed and just want to run. Sometimes I regret the choices I've made in my life. I get a lot of anxiety when I think about how I only have one life and this is how I'm spending it. Sure, I love being a mom. I love raising my best friend. But somedays I think maybe I should of waited to have a baby. I'm only 20. I never got to experience the world. I've never truly been on my own. My fiance and I have been together for over 3 years now and I never had that single life. Not that I want to be single to be single sometimes I just wish I had some time to be alone and figure out who I really am. To live on my own and have that bond with myself. But I don't. I see all these other people's lives- living in the city and experiencing things young adults should be. Or in college and working in a hospital as I always dreamed I would. But no, I'm at home. Cleaning the house, taking care of my baby, caring for the dogs, never having time for myself- day in and day out. I feel like my life is already half over. I'm 20. My life should just be beginning. I feel stuck, the same routine everyday. Every morning woken up by a baby, cleaning up after a grown man and constantly hating myself and my body. Somedays are great but others are so.. overwhelming. Somedays i am infatuated with my fiance. I can't get enough of him and I love laying on him and smelling his scent and feeling his warmth and hearing his deep voice. I love his smile and his laugh. The way he looks at me sometimes. How we joke and play around together. And other days i wonder why I am even doing this to myself. Why deal with the hardships. Is it worth it? Are the good days worth the bad ones? I don't know. All I know is I just want to run away sometimes. Have a few days to myself. But would he even know how to take care of our son? Naps? Bath time? Bed time? Probably not. I feel like he doesn't see how hard this is sometimes. Doesn't appreciate everything I do. We both bring in money, but somehow his counts more. Like is time is more valuable then mine. He doesn't want to clean up his plate? No problem, she'll take care of it. Does he even know my favorite color? Or how I only use a fork unless I absolutely have to use a spoon. Or how i only eat in quantities of two because it feels weird only eating 3 of something. Or how I avoid mirrors. I know small things about him.. somedays I cant imagine my life without him. And others I feel like maybe someone out there would love me more. Or show it. I'm rambling now. I know nobody will take time to read this but it feels good to get it off my chest.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this all. It sounds like so many conflicting and confusing emotions coming together and I can imagine that’s incredibly difficult to deal with. Just wanted to let you know that I read every single word of your post and I’m sending you love for your situation. I hope you are able to experience more moments of the peace and ease and self-exploration that you desire and that you get some freedom from your feelings of frustration.
@friendlyRaspberries8923
i can't relate as far as having children that young. However my mother had my sister and I at 19 and 21 and became a widow at 25. She gave up a ton and didn't have the "life" she may have thought but I'm 38 now and know how she toughed it out. It always gives me positive thoughts and I'm positive you're doing your best and at some point you will have time again.
I remember my mother broke down before. She told me that she sometimes wished that she shouldn't have married and stayed single. Doing things that she wants and only has herself to worry about. I kinda get that you are tired of doing the same things over and over again. Things that you don't really want to do. But you still do it because you love your son. My mother told me that she feels like a maid sometimes, doing everything by herself, taking all the burden and working till her last breath. She feels obligated to take it all by herself and doesnt ask for help. But you should always remember that you are not alone. Speak out. Guys can be lazy and tend to forget or not bother with small things. You should try to talk with your fiance to do the dishes from time to time. You both are in the relationship, try to teach/show him slowly that you both are in this together. As equals. Doesn't matter who earns more. You may feel afraid to speak up because you don't want something to happen to your relationship. You don't want to cause problems so you take it all and keep quiet. You stick to what works and doesn't do something new. New is scary cause we don't know what will happen. We just always expect the worse so we don't do it and end up doing the same thing again until it eats us up slowly inside. My mother is like that but she kept going on. But seeing her like that affected me. You don't want your son to see that. While its still early, make changes. Do things together. Both small and big things, together. Not just you.. maybe in time you'll find happiness that you'll proudly say is worth the bad times. I wish you all the best and nothing less. Goodluck with your relationship.
