So sick and tired of always being sick and tired..!
Hello good people... I'm writing this as the last resort after a true hell of a year because, despite my and my family's and therapists' best efforts, the things have only got worse, and I have sunk into deep depression and almost completely lost hope and will to live, but am still very afraid to try suicide and still have a spark of hope that things could get better (but am afraid that I wouldn't hold on if they got even worse)...To start with, I had a very interesting and active life, had a lot of ups and downs but was overall very satisfied with myself and healthy, always enthusiastic and full of energy and will to overcome challenges. Than in 2014. I had a crises, which began with stomach problems following a depression, it was really bad for a short time, but this depression quickly got better, and with time I felt better and better, and after that I had a very good year, I even managed to find a girlfriend. At the end of 2015.I got stomach problems again, this time more severe (hiatal hernia), and I fell into mild depression because of that and overthinking/confusion what I wanted to do with my life, but still I didn't give up, I had great support of my girlfriend, friends and my parents and I could do some things that helped and soon things got better, and starting with summer I had probably the best time of my life, I improved myself and started fulfilling my potential, started having the life I was truly satisfied with and made progress in things I enjoyed doing, and was close to getting a job and moving away from my parents with my girlfriend... But than things started getting bad...First because I got into some bad company, and I started drinking alcohol almost every day and smoking weed, although I still took medicine (for stomach and a little dose of antidepressants as I still visited a psychiatrist), and that made me a little aggressive so I had some quarrels with my parents, friends and girlfriend, and felt a little worse again, so my therapist changed the therapy and gave me some sedatives...after that I felt a little better again, but soon, at the middle of December I started going down and had some moments of depression, which started increasing, mostly due to bad weather and these sedatives, which the doctor didn't want to remove from my therapy, and it only got worse, so in the middle of January i felt really down and apathetic and started having suicidal thoughts (and my stomach problems got worse again). Only my parents and my girlfriend were there for me and knew how i really felt, I saw few friends but usually avoided going out with them because I changed and became scared and anxious of things I enjoyed doing before, so I watched TV and moves mostly and walked in my place and slept a lot, and my therapist didn't help anymore so we decided to try a new one which helped my girlfriend's friend who was suicidal and in mental hospital...But, I couldn't get to him immediately, and I started thinking about death a lot in that period, and started feeling totally apathetic and hopeless so I started reading online how to kill myself and even planning to try that. Luckily, before I had the chance to try it, I visited that new therapist with my parents and when we all told him how I felt he said I should go to mental hospital nearby for a few weeks to have some analysis done, and I was really scared but agreed to go as I had nothing more to lose.
When I went there, I felt even worse at the beginning because I was away from those few people who really loved me and I begged my parents to take me home when they would come to visit because I wanted to kill myself more than ever, but it was impossible, as the doctors didn't want to release me until I got better. I thought that it would never happen, but the therapy was changed and I started socializing with a few people there (and most of them were depressed so we had something in common), and after 3-4 weeks I felt a little better, I became a little more communicative and had some good moments, started feeling a little optimistic about the future again, and couldn't wait to be released to start with some activities that would get me out of depression (as then I felt as in 2014. thinking that I would feel better and better with time as I did back then). But after leaving hospital, I felt similar for a month, didn't find any activities except yoga (I applied for volunteering in several organizations but none called me), and soon my stomach problems deteriorated, and I became more depressed again with suicidal thoughts. I went to a doctor for stomach, and felt a little better again soon because of some friends, girlfriend and some books I found online for overcoming depression, but as soon as the improvement and new hope appeared, I started feeling worse again - I became too sleepy and tired, even though I slept good and a lot during night, I felt sleepy again almost every day after a few hours of getting up and I had to nap 2 times a day which really affected my plans, and after some time it got even worse - I felt tired as I haven't slept at all, all the time no matter how much I slept. I went to a doctor, who sent me to lots of analysis and they were all good, so they assumed it was all due to my anxiety and depression. Me and my parents decided that i should change a therapist, to start again with the one that helped in 2014 (I forgot to mention that I was really disappointed with the one my girlfriend recommended me, because he would only meet me for 10 minutes and didn't give me any advice and help at all, only changed the medicine I took), and in the meantime to try with some vitamins, which really did help and for a few days I felt better...But then constant sleepiness returned, which led me to greater anxiety and even a mild nervous breakdown...After more than a week, again came a few days of improvement, in which I could even sing and rap (which was one of my occupations before this depression) and I walked a lot and rode a bike and felt satisfied and hopeful again because of that. But after a week, sleepiness came again, and...IT STILL LASTS, even though I changed the doctor.
At first I was really mad, I yelled and cried a lot in the mornings when I felt (and still feel) the worst, so sleepy I find it really hard to do even the simplest things as walking, and I started taking sedative medicine, which calmed me but made me even more apathetic. To add up, my girlfriend, whom I truly loved and had the greatest life moments with, left me, even though she said she would do everything to preserve our love, she didn't even remain my friend, only my parents, cousins and few friends are there for me, of whom only my mom and 1 real-life friend understand (or at least try to) how I feel, the others only make me more nervous with their advice when I try to talk with them about me; lately I found some people online via facebook groups that I chat with who understand and support me, so that gave me a little relief. And since the end of July, even though my doctor promised me improvement soon, and gave me 2 new anti-depressives, nothing has changed, I feel bad all of the time, I slept bad at night despite extreme sleepiness (some nights I could't even fall asleep), in the mornings I felt worse than when I go to bad, when I sleep for some more I feel a little better, but still sleepy and can't concentrate on things I liked doing and think clearly, the only things I can do are listening to music, watching movies and series, helping at housework and walking/riding a bike, and often I feel so sad when I think about my problems and feel pains that I don't feel energy and will to do even that so I just lay in bed with some soft music on. My stomach also hurts sometimes, I'm very anxious, overthink a lot and my eyes hurt all the time (which is said to be because of my anxiety). The therapist said that I have to avoid sleeping during day, which is impossible to me, I tried my best and I have to sleep for at least 1-2 hours to be able to do something, and he said I have to start going to lectures at my college as that would help my depression, and my parents and cousins insist on that too, but I feel unable to study and to follow them, and don't feel like socializing especially with new people (as I became very quiet and aloof, so I don't know how to do that). I had so many plans and dreams, I have great potential, and this whole year had been a nightmare and I couldn't fulfill any of them, and I tried my best just because I had hope I can LIVE again, not just agonize. I don't demand all the qualities I once had, I would be happy even if could be able to have one of them, to succeed in one area and to able to enjoy at least some things, but I'm totally sick and tired of feeling this way, nothing starts and motivates me anymore and I have nothing to look forward to when I feel this way all the time, despite all our efforts and giving all our money to doctors and medicine (despite our very bad financial situation). About 3 weeks ago I found some fb groups where I felt comfortable writing about my problems and feelings, and that gave me a new hope, but some days after that I started feeling even worse (like this whole year - whenever hope arises sometimes even worse happens and that tears me apart!), in the beginning it was due to a virus but the virus is gone and I still felt this way, and I changed my therapist again and the therapy, so maybe that's the reason, for the last 3 days I feel a little better but still very far from good and I feel very pessimistic about the future.
To sum up in other words: There are days when we look all around and all we see are insurmountably high walls keeping us stuck in our misery. When those days blend into weeks and months with little relief, we get so weary and don't feel any ability to summon up the effort we know it will take to rise above those walls and start walking on our own two feet once again. Logically, we know we're capable; it's our minds and our bodies that simply will NOT cooperate, leaving us even more deeply saddened because we feel betrayed by our very selves; so, my only way is to try to find some help on the forums like this, because I can't take this much longer! I'm willing to see if this new therapy will bring any improvement, but if not the only option I see is hospital, and I really wouldn't like getting back to the one where I was despite getting better there earlier, and my parents say it's not manageable to go to some foreign one without first going here, so I don't know what to do, recently I've been having anxiety attacks and I feel like I'm going insane and like I'll never be OK anymore, I hardly even found a strength to write and post this here, and I'm obsessed with my problems and the pains I feel so I really need help before it's too late!
@FicaR94 - Thank you for sharing your story here - it sounds like it's been a really rough road for a long time now, and it's understandable to be feeling frustrated by it. I do think it's a really positive thing that you are reaching out and exploring spaces where you can find people who can understand or support you like here and the FB groups you mentioned - that counts for a lot!
I'm not a doctor, so I certainly wouldn't try to speak to the medication side of things, but in general, I think what you said about wanting to find some area where you feel energized or confidant makes a lot of sense. As a starting place, are there times that things feel a little less bad or where you have a little more energy - even if it's not at the level you're looking for, finding the patterns of when things are better or worse might help guide which areas to look into more. You mentioned the idea of going to lectures but said that studying is too much right now - is auditing classes an option for you, so that you could get the benefits of the lectures and getting out for a bit without the added pressure of studying? You also mentioned yoga as something you have found - is that something that you tend to do on your own, or would you be interested in exploring yoga classes to feel a bit more connected? I think yoga is a great thing for many both in terms of being able to focus and calm thoughts and feel a bit more at peace, but also because it's a skill that develops over time and seeing your own growth as you continue to do it can be really rewarding and help build confidance and self pride.
Wishing you well and proud of you for continuing to cling to hope even when it's tough - I do believe things can get better.
@Anomalia Thank you for your answer and will to help! Yes there are this times almost every day lately, but there is no rule
to when I would feel this way so it just makes it confusing and hard to make plans. I already go to some lectures but can't concentrate on what's going on there and find it hard to socialize as i became very quiet and socially anxious...how do you mean auditing classes? As for yoga, I plan to start going to classes in my town, I also think it would help but on the other hand am a little scared that I would miss a lot of classes and that I couldn't do many exercises if i feel bad at classes time.
@FicaR94 - Auditing classes is an option at some universities where you sign up to attend lectures and learn, but you are not responsible for completing assignments or taking tests and do not ultimately get a grade, either - it's sort of like sitting in on school without being an official student, but can be a great way to get back in the habit in a lower pressure way or to learn something new without adding stress.
As for the yoga classes - I think different studios work in different ways, so some might have you sign up for a specific schedule that might mean missing classes, but others are more drop-in based, so you can go on the days that you feel up for it and not go on other days without it being an issue if you aren't there for some sessions. And I can't speak to every place, but I think in general, a lot of yoga studios understand the fact that people have different limitations and will respect the fact that you can participate in some exercises and may need to modify or sit out of others. If it would help you feel more comfortable, you could call a studio before going to a class and ask about what their classes are like, if modifications are offered, etc.
@Anomalia I don't think we have that on my college. And for youga, I do plan to talk with the instructor before going to classes. 
@FicaR94
Thank you for taking time to share your story and your progress. (I actually do see progress for you in what you wrote and when you are depressed and ill -- claiming every ounce of progress is essential, imo.) I understand the isolations -- that I really do -- but I'm glad your family and friend are there for you. Those are the real jewels in the sand -- you are fortunate to have their support even if they are "just trying" to understand. It's hard to support someone sometimes -- you get afraid to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing that might start the spiral. (Know what I mean?)
I won't say I understand what you have been through -- I can see a few point that I do see and know personally. Especially, the GI tract and depression -- plus the malnutrition they want you take vitamins for. GI Tract issues are so hard to diagnose, treat and have so many ramifications too -- that alone cuts into your desire to socialize (at least from my experience). Your energy is directly tied to nutrients you absorb - and if you aren't absorbing well -- you know, you're tired all the time which leads to apathy (at least for me, because that's too much energy and I don't have any spare energy to care).
Please keep reaching out. No matter where... reach out. Reach out at home. Reach out online. I think this is very important... especially knowing that we're not alone in this boat.
Maybe open dialogue with your GP/Physician as well about your GI issues - that actually (and to my surprise) lead to some unconventional testing and even unconventional help/treatments that made life better for me (including lessening bouts of depression and anxiety). (Side note: They have been linking studies about depression to the gut biome and poor absorption/malnutrition for GI patients). Maybe opening a dialogue between the GP and the Therapist would help too.
Claim your victories no matter how small -- they're hard fought for and won. Even if you put it on a post it note and stick it on your mirror for you to see everyday -- I did this... (went out with friends, sat down for a family dinner, stopped an smelled a flower, meditated for an hour without falling asleep, held Upward Dog for 10 minutes - claim them and acknowledge them).
For the volunteer options -- don't let them not calling you back get you down. I've been there. There are actually ton of volunteer opportunities out there -- it just may require a little extra effort but an internet search might help find places you haven't thought about. Libraries often look for volunteers to come reshelve books, read to kids, help with events. Animal Shelters look for people to come walk and play with the animals. Recycling/Beautification groups look for people to come help clean up a areas in the community. Food shelters look for people to come help sort and shelve food and build boxes. Museums look for people to come help be docents. Park and Recreation departments look for all kinds of help including score keepers, umpires and people to help maintain the facilities. Homeless shelters look for all kinds off help from the soup kitchen line to prep/serve to food to ride along and hand out blankets, foods and information. Neighborhood watch groups look for people willing to walk the neighborhood and be a visible presences (deterence) and help make it safe and report possible crimes. Hospitals look for volunteers all the time - to answer phones, rock newborns, push wheelchairs, deliver flowers to rooms. Festivals look for people to come help with setup/takedown, work ticket gates, security, and whole lots of jobs.
Local bands look for people to come help set up for shows - and that might even lead to a little pay.
You are incredibly strong... is see that in your life and what you shared.
Please take care -- you aren't alone and this isn't permanent. (I don't think it is... I hope you can see that too.)
I'll listen... maybe toss out a few ideas to help you along the way (can't tell I'm that kinda' person can you?)
~~DC
@diplomaticconfucious Thank you for your kind message, I will continue reaching out until I find happiness! The GI truct is not so bad now, that improved, the chronic fatigue they say is due to anxiety, but maybe there's some other unknown reason.
But I will check with my GI doctor as I haven't told him about the fatigue. I'll start with claiming the victories, but I think it would be too tiring to write them so I'll do it in my head maybe before sleep?
For volunteering thank you for letting me know about all these, but now I don't seek volunteering because I started going to some lectures and plan to start yoga, so I don't have time.
Thank u for the will to support me, do you mind if we chat through private messages?
@FicaR94
You're quite welcome - and my inbox/door is open (I'm still trying to figure it out but it's open). So message/chat any time (still figuring that out too) -- I do have weird hours -- I'll try to respond as soon as I can.
You're getting to enjoy the lecture circuit -- intellectual stimulation does the mind (and body good). Most lectures in my area are done at the top of the day - not terribly conducive for a distraction or for learning.
Stay strong - and claim your victories.~~DC
@diplomaticconfucious don't know why but somehow i can't message you. If you can message me or I'll send you an email. Well as far as college is considered I just force myself to go there, I can't concentrate of the lectures nor have will to socialize with new people, as I became very quiet and socially anxious...