Is it social anxiety, and how can I overcome it?

@madellis

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

I will be fine, every single time, up until the day of the event. That's when everything starts kicking in- the panic, the nerves, the sweating and the excuses! I will feel sick and nervous and 9 times out of 10, I will end up cancelling or leaving early. (I could see how stressful and overwhelming for you this can be specially when you were excited to take part of this. I do feel the Fear of being seen, Fear of being heard, Fear of shame, Fear of anxiety, and Fear of guilt tend to take over as the event tends to take closer. In several ways you are afraid of people finding out something you don't want to find out, so then it leads to you want to cancel to avoid shame) When I do go out, I will always come back feeling incredibly drained, as if I've done a 20 mile hike. (I see what you mean, the mind tends to use a lot of energy to fight anxiety, so its the main reason you feel incredibly drained)

What do people suggest may help overcome this? (Theres probably a lot of fears, trauma and anxiety being played in the unconcious mind, so these kind of things need to come to the surface on order to feel more in control of how you feel) It's been happening for so long now, even some of my friends are used to it (and getting bored of it, too). (I can tell your friends might be thinking you don't want to spend time with them, even though its not the case. I do feel the past trauma, childhood wounds and anxiety are the main cause of this)

Hey, @madellis! I would like to ask, what kind of self-talk do you find yourself using before or during time with friends? Do your thoughts drive you in a negative way? Many anxiety sufferers find it helpful to use "positive self-talk" - replacing worries in your mind with potential good outcomes, focusing on your strengths, etc.

@madellis I feel maybe there is a desire to people please or a concern with how people will perceive you - thanks for being open with us. I’m glad your seeking a therapist and hope sessions are helpful! ✨💜

@madellis Shyness - This can be an awkward charm that people can find endearing and it could also mean going by conversations in a way that is quite bumpy and not linear way. You either maybe reluctant to talk to a particular individual if there is an attraction or fear of them. Shyness is something I would say is not such an extreme state of feeling that it affects your daily life (work, friendships, relationships and meeting new people). Once you get to know someone you can be extremely comfortable that being a contrast of your initial apprehension towards meeting a new person.

@madellis

Hi madellis! As someone who suffers with social anxiety, I can relate to what you said about feeling anxious about going to social events and actively trying to avoid them. Sometimes, the anxious thoughts just take over our minds and start fortune telling about will happen or how we will act at a social event. Then, this can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy of 'I think that this is going to happen' and then it does.

Something that I try to do in these situations is to think what about the situation is on my side or what can I control about the situation even when I feel that I can't (such as my thoughts). It is definitely difficult to try to focus on the present moment in anticipation of something that is going to happen so the way you're feeling is completely understandable. It's possible that a negative schema (the way that we perceive the world from past experiences) could be at play, so we might be thinking that the situation will be scary before we are in it. It's a normal human response to fear the unknown, in this case, a new social situation. I know that to your friends, it may seem easy to not be anxious about social situations but it's important to remember that we are all clever in different ways and that the only person we need to be enough for is ourselves.

I get how difficult it is to deal with a fear of social situations because we have to face this fear every day whereas someone with a phobia of, say, flying, may not have to face this fear nearly as often in their lives. At the end of high school, I was so anxious that I couldn't speak to people without wanting to hide my face. Although the healing process fluctuates, I feel much better in these situations and I feel like I have let of go of caring a lot about what others think of me. It is still scary though and we could feel the same way when we are old and grey so as long as we can accept ourselves for who we are, that's a big step in overcoming these fears.

You're doing so well so never discount the fact that you're trying! It's easy to feel shameful after we avoid certain situations that trigger these feelings for us but there's never a reason to criticise yourself - you are doing the best that you can with how you feel right now. I promise that they gradually become easier to deal with over time. Exposure to new social situations does help but only in little steps and as long as you are ready for that. I hope your friends are being mindful of the way you feel and can act as a sort of safety anchor for you in these situations.

Keep going - I believe in you and so does our community - you are not alone in the way you feel!