What would you like someone to do in this situation?
My husband is autistic. I have fibromyalgia and it gets worse in the winter. My husband is oblivious to the things that need to be done around the house, including picking up after himself. This morning he did not finish his breakfast and left it on the tray on the dining room table. There have been times in the past where I took the tray in the kitchen and threw the food away, and he got mad, said that he was still grazing. Right now, the tray is still on the table after 12 hours. I left the light on in the dining room hoping it will get him to see it is still there. Would that be enough for you? Should I tell him to do it? (This happens most days) or is there something else you would want someone to do instead?
The second situation is he will go days on end without brushing his teeth, changing his clothes or taking a bath. Should I leave his toothbrush on the counter? Tell him to do these things every day? Or something else?
Im trying to understand what would work best for someone with autism.
@asduggins2019
I'm sorry your health gets worse in the winter 💜
What works for me with my nephew, is literally telling him, spelling it out, he needs a consistent routine, that he sticks to or else he would do absolutely nothing at all.
Im afraid he will get mad. He is also bi polar and any raised voice in anger is a "fight" to me because of past trauma
@asduggins2019
I get that, it's difficult, I'd encourage a kind but firm voice when speaking to him 🥰
I do the same things as your husband. I will be in the middle of something then get a thought and suddenly I am doing something completely different. Ill have a vague feeling I was not done with the first thing but don't consciously remember that I need to finish.
What I find most helpful is when my partner phrases it something like this. "I noticed that your plate is still on the table, are you still using it or could you take it away?"
What I need, and maybe your husband, is super clear verbal communication. No hint, verbal or otherwise, would ever get me to take away the plate.
What does not work is if I would be told to take it away when I am done or now. Because when I am being told I need to do something that just slips of my consciousness. But if I am asked, my mind takes a moment to consider the question and it sticks better.
It seems like you're getting really frustrated with having to remind him of these things. That makes sense. It's important to know that he's likely not doing these things on purpose: time can really slip away from us!
Have you considered asking him these questions? He might have a personal twist on how he would like to be reminded. Additionally, I think it would be good to share how you're feeling: you mentioned having fibromyalgia, and you deserve to be understood too! Maybe the two of you could come up with a solution that could help both of you.
Nothing changes if nothing changes, right? That doesn't mean that you're the one who has to fix it: it means you can work together to make something work for both of you!
I used to live with one of my older sisters and I did something similar. Whenever I cook, I would clean up dishes I used along the way, but if I'm too tired or something needs to be soaked to scrub off, I'd put it in the sink and forget about it. My sister eventually cleans it up but she doea the drop hints thing too. She'd feel really resentful until she starts yelling at me and claiming that I disrespect her. I didn't intend to. I genuinely just forgot about the dishes. If she needed help, anywhere around the house really, all she had to do was ask, but I'm not built to do these things automatically unless it really bothers me or I need a clean dish that's in the sink
I also buy food and put it in the fridge, but if I don't get around to cooking it, it gets spoiled (I try to cook it the same day but sometimes I get overwhelmed and forget about it). My sister throws them out eventually and it would make me upset. I know logically the food went bad and had to be thrown away, but emotionally I felt that she threw away my stuff without letting me know or asking for my permission. Your husband might feel the same way. Maybe letting him know that you'd like to clean the dish since it's dirty, or asking if you can, or reminding him that the dish needs to be cleaned might help.
I live somewhere else, and upfront my landlord gave me a rule that I have to clean the kitchen, bathroom, and stairs on the second week of the month, and I have a week to get it done. Instructions, a schedule, and a time limit. That's worked great for me so far and there hasn't been any problems. I can't say your husband works the same way, but it's worth a try.
Good luck! I hope it gets better!
What a kind caring person you are!
