Feeling a little sad today? It's okay, let's be sad together.

@Laura I'm just sad and well it's stupid really I allowed myself to look forward to getting to do something and I was let down like usual and that shouldn't surprise or even bother me, it's normal.

I'm always sad and sometimes I don't even have a reason for why I feel this way. Today, ..something good happened and the feeling isn't as strong but I know it's there.It's always around no matter what happens to me. I wonder if my depression loves me so much it can't let me go no matter what I do.

My hometown has lost 7 of its young people within 2 years, ranging from 15-22. People that were all good kids, had so much potential in front of them & their whole lives ahead of them & now they won't ever get a chance to live out their dreams.

I lost my cat after his continuous illness.

I am definitely a part of that crowd today. There's been a lot going on with my relationship of 10 years, where my fiancé is coming to terms with the fact that he has bipolar disorder. I already have panic disorder, severe depressive disorder, and agoraphobia. These are all issues that I have dealt with since I was a child and thankfully I have a family that has been very supportive over the years and my recovery. My fiancé, on the other hand, has a family that doesn't believe in mental illness and so all of his problems and up falling on me to fix and to help make better and I find it making me distance myself from him because he is zapping the life out of me and the energy that I need in order to make myself better. As a result, I've begun having feelings for someone else that I've met recently, and it's making me feel very conflicted and confused and guilty and certainly not helping with everything else that's going on, but I feel like it's also may just acting out and finding a way to cope with what's going on even if it is in a healthy manner. There's also the fact though that I do like this person and I feel connected to them but I also love the person I'm with very, very much so I'm at a place where I've tried to help him and don't know how to and now I'm here.

Feeling disconnected from myself and everything around me is incredibly depressing. A very sad cycle. Depression, disconnection, depression, disconnection.

I haven't been able to return to who I used to be after he raped me. I lost all my friends and was bullied to the point that I began to self harm and contemplate suicide. I was 14 when it happened and am now 19 but I can't let go of the event because it hurts to try to be happy. I've been blaming myself for the rape because I was convinced that I am worthless and dirty along with other terms. I want to let go of the past so much but it's become a part of my identity, an identity I didn't deserve nor choose but it was forced upon me. I distanced myself from those who wanted to help because I felt hopeless and lost and angry at myself and the world. I lost my true sense of self and I can't continue to carry this weight on my shoulders. I feel as though I am always drowning from all the emotions stuck inside me and the only way to breathe again is through self harm. I want to get better but I can't imagine or see myself being happy again..

@Laura my parents get on me a lot about honesty, so today I tried being honest by telling my mom that I was leading a weekly discussion on 7 cups since I'm a mod. She immediately got upset, threatened to block the site, and told me that I was wasting time and that "we're going to talk about this later". I'm so tired of feeling guilty every time that I sign in to talk to somebody who needs me, I'm so tired of lying about what I'm doing, I'm so tired of being judged for one of the only things I feel good at or during. This community has saved me from a lot of really dark days and places, and I don't know what I would do without it. I'm scared they're going to force me to leave, or that they'll check my computer, or that I won't be able to talk to the friends and people that I know and love. I just want to be able to support and help people who have gone through what I have--is that so wrong? I know that my grades could be better, but I get all my homework done on time and I put a lot of effort into my school and my studies. I know a lot of people who have never been told that they are valid, who have never been told that they're doing a great job or that somebody is proud of them or that they can get through the day, and I want to be there for them. I don't know, I'm just really upset now, and I feel like a failure. I can't make anybody happy, and I can't do anything right. Did I make the right choice, or a terrible mistake? I know I'll end up going along with whatever they tell me to do, and I feel sick. Sorry for venting, it's just been a bad week and a bad day.

It's March now :( I'm glad to have all these distractions and activities on 7cups this week, or that fact (it's March) may be hitting me even harder.

Before I used to like March, it includes my parents' wedding anniversary and usually the start of Spring (here anyway). This year I have several changes in my life - because of changes and decisions in others' lives, those close to me.

One of the most important changes is that my counselor is retiring. I have worked with her for 12 years, so to *not* see her is going to be strange. And I'm sad (and many other feelings, but sad is certainly one of them). My last appointment with her will be next week.

@Laura @Amelia @MissZ @tiggerthepenguin @kindday4067 @korsbarella @rozie @anomalia (and @Iara because I finally understand how to spell your name :) )

Just feel like shit. I have begun seeing 'things' again, because my pchyciatrist is giving me less meds...