You can rant here

I'm finding out there's s difference between counseling and psychologists.

I feel so depressed and hopeless that I don't even want to get better anymore. Why bother? What's the point? Why have hope or goals? It's pointless. It's a waste of time. Nothing is ever going to change.

I am sure I am depressed, because if I go back years, I can't remember the last time anything made me 'happy'. The closest thing to happiness I remember in the most recent of times are the times when you feel the lowest, in a consistent state of being low (but being used to it), and then having that strange feeling of euphoria that directly follows. If that is what happy is, then it has been too long ago for me to remember having it normally.

People in my life think of me as a pretty smart person, and I have broadly ranging interests, but in my house I am usually the one people rely on intellectually, and outside of my house, I don't have anyone I can really be too open with. I think something growing up caused me to be sort of detached in a way, or maybe just to making proper bonds with people. I remember in the beginning of high school, I would sort of "act" out the expression that was appropriate when talking with some people I knew, so I just didn't keep a blank expression. In the earlier years, at elementry, middle school, and home, I don't think I had it best for proper social development.

I don't have anyone I consider a real friend, but only one person that is a 'friend' because of proximity, in college, but the friendship mostly ends whenever a semester ends. My own mother pushes me to continue a study I dislike greatly, my father is an indifferent ignorant man who has a slightly mellowed-out-over-the-years temper, and my sister is spoiled and took after our father in some of his negative aspects. There is no one that cares enough about my true feelings. What do I do? I have almost no motivation to do anything, and if I ever get a brief moment of it, it is fleeting. I don't know what I would like to do in life, and I also don't know if I hate my life or not. I don't have much money, and ever sice high school I have been urged to not get a job and to focus on college. I somehow was under the impression that a job affected the current year of college's FAFSA, but I learned a little too late that that isn't the case.

Emotional support doesn't phase me, researching things extensively myself and even meeting a therapist on campus didn't help, all the normal lifestyle changes such as exercise and a good diet never helped. I don't think I will feel happy for a long time if ever, but I wish I were.

Life just sucks sometimes and I just want to cry now. Everything was going so well and then just like that he almost died and everything changed. Sometimes I don't know what to do and my dad is different now and I can't stop binge eating and hiding food in my room and keeping it to myself. I want to yell because it's too much for me. I hate myself now.

I hate that I have a really good and stable job that provides me stability of income and insurance. Yet, I cry every day about this job and just wish I wouldn't have to be here and doing this. I know in the long run of life I don't need to be here, and I'm slowly wasting my younger adult life being here. I would just quit but I hate being insecure of money more than I hate this job.

i hate myself so much. i don't know what to do to make me stop feeling like i'm a bad person and that i'm worthless. i feel like the scum of the earth. everything i do makes me feel guilty. i want therapy and i want to increase or change my medication, but in order to do that i have to schedule doctor appointments-- and that comes out of my parent's wallet, and just inconveniences them.

i feel like a parasite to everybody around me. i try to give, but i feel like i'm never enough. i can never do enough to repay everybody for the acceptance and kindness they give me. i feel like the only service i can do anybody is to just die. but that would upset them, too, so i'm basically just draining resources and time out of everyone i know.

i'm never as good as i want to be. i'm never good enough and i feel like i never will be. i wish i were a better person than i am. i'm the worst. i'm just a failure.

In a previous post, I mentioned how my brother's marriage was having issues when she walked out on him. It's been six months now, and things aren't looking good. Although he or my mother hasn't updated to me about where they are standing now, but I hear my brother chatting with my mum when he's here with us over the weekends. That the wife is not responding, keeping quiet about their relationship. Almost like she's waiting for my brother to call it quits. She acts like she doesn't want to try and work things out with my brother.. and my mum tried contacting her and she didn't reply. My brother is having counselling sessions, getting advice on how he can communicate with her..Therapist wants to meet her, but she hasn't had any response. It's like she made her own decision to cut ties with us, not even wanting to work things out with my brother. I'm sorry to say this, but she didn't seem like a good fit for my brother from the beginning.. But I also didn't expect her to leave my brother without trying to talk things out~

I keep sleeping at 2am for the past week. I'd really like my sleep to be earlier. I think my manic cycled with a light depressive episode when I pulled an almost-alnight to write my essay. I'd really appreciate if I went back to my normal wake and sleep routine. #JustaLightRant #cheers

First time every posting anything like this or even talking about it with anyone but I'm so lost. I can't see any point to anything anymore, the smallest things to the biggest and its jus pushing me away from everyone into my own little bubble. But the hard part is I made the bubble myself from my anxiety and I've reached the point I don't want to go out or around even the closest people to me. Im going through so much and I want to ask for help but I have no one I can ask and everytime I try it gets worse

My older sister is the most self-righteous woman I have ever met, and it honestly makes me hate her.

I have lived ten years of my life having to be her emotional trashcan and I can't f***ing handle it anymore. Every little thing is something that she can pick on, that she can throw in my face, that she can make a snide comment about.

I've been on medication for a while and was deemed unfit to work, and she goes and throws that in my face. It's been a while, I know it has, and every month that goes by, with me still being in a place where I think more about death than my future, I further hate myself.

My sister is...the root of my issues. She used to use me as a crutch, when she needed someone to talk to, but I was taught, a crutch is useful. When she needed someone, she was just dumping a lot of shit on me. I wasn't helping, because at the time, I couldn't. I was too young. And now, now that I actually need my sister to take two f***ing seconds to see I need my sister, I need someone who will understand and listen, she's too busy telling me that I'm picking favorites between her and our older sister. She puts me in the middle, she makes me feel so shitty for helping our sister and she makes me feel like I'm hurting my nephew and nieces because I don't help as often, anymore.

It's emotionally exhausting. I can't keep up with her. For once, I'd like my sister to act like a sister. Or better yet, act like an adult.