You can rant here
I know how it feels sometimes when you just want to rant, but don't know who to talk too or even if they will care. Well I care. You're not alone! Please feel free to say whats been on your mind lately, if you want someone to talk too or just want to rant away. I will listen.
I'm not sure whether this counts as a "rant" but I really just need to get this out of my system.
I was homeschooled almost exclusively up until high school. I was taught out of books by my parents. What that meant is that I literally never left the house except on a rare occasion with my parents, and I never really made any friends. I had maybe two or three friends my whole childhood, and we weren't close.
All of this contributed to a lot of lonliness and depression and eventually anxiety throughout my whole childhood because I never left the house up until high school when I finally got my parents to register me. I just "graduated" even though I didn't actually get to go because of COVID. Ugh!
My parents pretty much pretended my anxiety and depression didn't exist, they didn't really know how to deal with it so it's gone completely untreated.
I'm just miserable now. 
Every night I come home after a full day of work to clean-up the mess my toddler made while staying at home with daddy. Daddy is hanging out in a recliner on his tablet.
I clean and then cook and then clean again. I've said less than five words to my husband. It's okay. He wouldn't hear me anyways. He's checked out. Out of our marriage. Out of our friendship. He does act like a father now, at least more so than the first six years we were parents.
He wants me to give up my career and be a stay at home mom. Homeschool our kids. But, everytime he actually speaks to me, it's to criticize my parenting or appearance.
We haven't had a physical relationship in almost a year. There's no kissing, hugs, cuddling, or flirty banter.
Just this existence of responsibility for our children. And it's not from my lack of trying. I'm so tired of being the one to sacrifice and get zero return on my investment.
I daydream of freedom. I sometimes fantasize if shared custody. A weekend to myself here and there. The possibility of meeting someone who respects and loves me. Someone who finds me attractive and funny.
And then I feel guilty. Why would I ever take a stable family unit away from my kids just because I'm unhappy?
Would I really be able to leave? My life is so much better than so many others. He's never hit me. He rarely raises his voice toward me. Sometimes he actually agrees with me.
I just feel empty in this marriage. I feel chained to a life that I imagined playing out so differently when I said "I do".
Am I that hard to love? Am I not worthy of being desired and treasured?
I know it's not my fault. It's all in his head and this silent treatment is my punishment for not being who he wants me to be instead of who I am.
But, it's so lonely.
@suzanne1979
Ive never been married before but I can relate so hard. Im an early thirties woman still on the fence about finding a partner.
Thank you so much for your post.
@sympatheticKitten8138 I'm not sure it's ever easy, but we were together 8 years before marriage. He changed exponentially after kid 2 was born. I never imagined we'd be here in this crappy situation, but who does? I'd say choose wisely, but I thought I did. People change as does compatibility. It's disheartening.
hey everyone who was ever in my life,
my bad. jesus christ. did you even try to think
When I try to talk to my partner about my mental health it always turns into a "where does it hurt?" Conversation. It looks and sounds more like "what has you feeling like that?" And the thing is. I don't always know. All I know is I'm tired all the time, I feel like I can barely function, I'm burned out so fast, I feel really impulsive, I want to feel alive again but I can't, I want life to look so different than how it looks now. I can't just tell you what has me feeling this was as though it's one or two things. Chronic depression is something I have to carry with me, and it's not as simple as pointing to my knee and saying "it hurts here kiss it better" I am just having a hard time my guy. I can't describe it more than that.
@Cherryblossomjeans, Someone told me that the brain is part of the body, too. It's just as important to take care of it as the rest of the body. That made sense to me. Maybe it will to your partner, too. Good luck.
I cannot comprehend this meeting at all! My boss wants me to do something but I am lost.
Rant...
I am just too tired of my life . Every day is a painful struggle . When I look around , I see people all happy . I wonder what they are doing that I am not . ;(
I'm done with being
Pandemic sucks. I am jealous other people can go out be selfish and not wear a mask. I have to wear a mask. I miss last year. I wish I hadn't complained about last year. I wish I had done more. I wish I could take my bf's mental illness aways. Sometimes, its so hard to loev and support someone with mental illness. I know it's REWARDING. I've been there done that. It just sucks having so much uncertainity. I wonder where I will even go to college. I wonder if my program will be cancelled or not. Everyone that I've go to hasn't given me an answer. I hate that at work that take COV19 as serious. I hate that I have to go back to work. I miss going to work and having the sense of enjoyment no worries. I dread having to stay 6fts. I just miss my normality. I don't want to complain.... but as crazy as it sounds..I can definitely see myself continuing complaing....as I'm typing I can see how freeing it is to say whatever I want and have no judgement. Thank you for those that are listening. I would love some recommendations or even a conversation as well! :)
Its all decisions and tradeoffs, baby.
You chose to have kids and get married. So now you have two beautiful children with happy lives, and you get to build your life around their well-being. On the other hand, you had to give up your physical appearance.
I chose to not have kids, ever. I will get married but I wont have kids. So I get to stay youthful looking and pretty for my age. I have very little stress. And I get to focus on my career and hobbies and my relationships. On the other hand, I will never have children.
Its all tradeoffs, baby.
I hope you chose well.
@sympatheticKitten8138 It's like you just wrote about my best friend and I, 😁 She repeats this to me everytime I complain about how I look.
Let me throw something else into the mix though. My appearance issues are less about being a mommy and all the physical changes from that versus being married to a man with a fetish that makes him only attracted to a very specific body type and lifestyle.
I like to think if I'd have fully understood exactly what I was getting myself into with him, I would have chosen very differently, but then I look at my children and the thought of not having these particular hellions in my life makes me sad. So, yeah I'd agree it's about trade-offs.
At the same time it really sucks that to travel one path you have to give up the other. That's life, but it still sucks.
@suzanne1979
Hi Suzanne, nice to hear from you again.
Now Im just bursting with curiousity ... what is your husbands fetish?!?! lmfao
Trade offs. I feel sad about some decisions I made, and happy about some of them. Im sad that I chose to take the easy path for my career (I have a niche but I will never get into upper management), but happy that I chose to focus on my interests like writing and making content for the internet. What are some happy or sad decisions that you made?
@sympatheticKitten8138 He is into the big girls. Very big. I am not. I don't enjoy being fat in any way, so there is a huge disconnect since I told him I do not want to be fat. He told me last night that the physical part of our marriage has sailed since that's a deal breaker for him.
So, I'm in a "him or me" situation. I chose me. My decision has come with a lot of issues constructed by my husband in what I like to refer to as his ongoing tantrum.
Either way, I'm now part of a "friendship marriage". I kind of enjoyed the emotional and physical parts, so now I'm just pissy and resentful. Trying to decide if I want to jump ship once my kids are old enough to swim with me :)
Good decisions- Have my children, move away from my family (parents and extended), educate myself, and focus on myself for a change.
Bad decsions- Allow my co-dependent tendencies to take root and put me in my current situation by trying to please my husband when I hated what I was doing to myself. I gained a shitload of weight after baby two and now I'm having to stealthily lose it to keep the tantrums at a minimum.
Be true to yourself and eff anyone who wants you to be someone else. Best advice I have for anyone.
@suzanne1979
I really dont know what to say but boy that is a lot to take in! This is the first time Ive heard directly about someone with this fetish. I knew they exist, but never really thought about what it would be like to live with someone like that. Did he stay silent about it when you were da
I dont want to be cliche but you are going through a lot. And I can see that there are a lot of new decisions coming up for you in the near future.
I wish you well on our journey.
@sympatheticKitten8138 It's a bit overwhelming emotionally. The first 8 months we dated, I had no idea. Then when I found pics on his computer it was eventually relayed that he liked chubby girls. I mean, what girl isn't going to sigh in relief that she can enjoy food and not have her boyfriend tell her she's fat? So, it went that way for a good long time.
It wasn't until after we got married that the extent of his physical attraction was revealed around the time I decided I needed to get my athletic body back.
Then I got pregnant with the first kid. He was a little more honest. Then after the second kid, I started gaining a lot of weight due to some after borth medical issues. He just went wild with that. The attention was really nice, but then I started looking at myself in the mirror and coupled with how I felt physically and mentailly, I just couldn't do it anymore.
That's when he promised to be "supportive" of weight loss, but his actions contradicted his words. Then I blew up about it one night and it's been hell every since. Emotional rollercoaster.
I've dropped about 55lbs since that night and have about 35 more to go before I'll be close to where I was when we started dating.
It's very hard on all fronts.
I feel you. I really don
