You can rant here

I thought I hated the life that I was living and I was so ready to get away and come to college and I knew it was going to be hard I knew it would hurt but now that I'm here it's so much worse than I ever would have thought snd I just want to go home it was stupid to even try to come to school right now but I know how much money my mom has put into getting me out here and how complicated it'll be to leave now and I wish I had backed out before this I wish I had never applied and I honestly don't want to be home either I just don't want to be anywhere I feel like a baby I just dont know what I'm doing

everyone has family problems, and I laugh at how I can empathize with people whose families had apparently been broken over the course of the quarantine, but really it made me feel so trapped and stuck, like what was happening to my parents would undoubtedly happen to me when I got to be their age. and blah blah, parents, yadda yadda, but today I realized my sibling had that rub off on them, because instead of sitting down and discussing their feelings and telling me why they were angry with me, they f*cking told me to get out, and I felt so trapped all over again, and ashamed that it was ALWAYS ME backing down from an argument, from a fight, from everything they were looking for so that it was ME who had to walk out of the house with just my keys and my bag, it was ME WHO HAD TO LEAVE just like how my mother threw my father out of the house. THIS SIBLING MAKES ME FEEL LIKE ITS ALWAYS MY FAULT FOR THE WAY THEY REACT ,its always my fault, and I know it isn't, but THEYRE THE ONES FOING TO THERAPY AND IM NOT SO WHY IS ISNT IT ME THROWING HER THINGS AROUND THE BESROOM AND SCREAMING AT HER AND TELLING HER THAT THEY ARE THE ONES TREATING ME BAD, why ARETHEY LIKE THIS, I convince myself that they're finally mature enough for me to treat them like an adult, then they go and pull shit like this all over again, only this time they've learned from our parents how to throw someone out of the house.

and it probably sounds like I'm running away from my problems, and maybe I am, but honestly, I'm thinking that I should just move out and leave both this situation with this person, and the one my parents still haven't solved of their as well. I'm so. so. emotionally. exhausted. im always having to keep my guard up as to the next aggressive person that I run into, and I dont want to do it anymore.

I feel like a loser ....i don't have a job and the love of my life left me eventually....highly depressed.....life isn't fair

You know how it fefeels like to hit the rock bottom? When u feel like nothing goes better in your life and everything you do leads to a failure. I cannot tell my family that im struggling academically. There's a side of me that i must be keep on going, but there's no clear reason to keep it going. My sleeping is messed up so as my eating and other routine. Suicidal thoughts happened to cross my mind every time i feel worthless. I don't feel anything, its like numb but you're in pain? I wanted to cry but i feel like there's no tears coming out. Waking up each day doesn't motivating. I keep stuffs in my head but im still smiling when i have to. Im tired. Im really tired.

I feel like some therapists are practicing right now because they need the money even if they aren't up to hearing about serious topics, which is damaging for patients. Why refer your patients to hotlines when the patients say they don't help? When the hotlines suggest you see a therapist? I still wonder about this back and forth.

I hate life at the moment, been about 11 months since I lost the ability to walk, hate having a walker, hate being so fat gained soo much weight being sick, hate seeing four different specialists and they can't even figure out what's wrong with me physically... I feel like nobody really understand what I'm going though and this is only physical health forget mental... I just don't want to wake up in the morning, I'm not going to last for much longer.

I have lost all hope in my life . No amount of meds or therapy can save me now . Life finished .

i am not financially own my own - hell - i do not even have a job right now bc stupid covid19. i am so in debt that i do not even know how i can ever move out on my own - if i am kicked out of my aunt's house ( which is toxic) i would be homless. my dad would not take me in bc his new wife and their kids HATE me so much and are so cruel that i cant even fathom how ppl could do and say the things they do. so to protect me, my dad wont let me live there.

so i live with my old aunt. she is mean , mean and cranky and cruel as well. Today she yelled at me all day, called me a bitch and a burden. i worked so hard doing extra cleaning for her - beyond what i normally do, just to earn a pack of smokes...to which she made me wait 5 hours, until 11 pm, before she gave me themoney all bc she doesnt like cigs ( omg, i dont even smoke in her house).

her house is dark, bleak and a negative feeling in the air. it is opressive and nasty. it is unwelcoming and unhappy just walking inside it. she is the same way. i never get emotional support from her , she never beleives me, she goes through the trash to see what i have been up to - the TRASH! THE TRASH! she goes through my room. she goes through my purse and she wont stop. she doesnt talk to me ever - just yells at me and calls me names. and when i first moved in after my mom died, she did nothing but tell me i wanted my mother dead, i killed my mother and my mothers death was my fault. nope, ill never forgive her for this.

i am ALWAYS there for my friends. even when i have 0 for me and about to have a breakdown - i make sure to be there for them. but the moment i need them, they are no where to be found. i only have friends when i listen to them and have no needs of my own. in fact, i only have 2 friends and 1 associate. and NONE of them live near me so i never go out.

i dont have my needs met half the time i eat one meal a day bc i have no money for food and my aunt screams at me to make a tiny grocery list. she does this every week until my list is literally ONLY water ( for my fish) and something to drink , for me. and i guarentee - shell tell me to make it less next time, too.

my aunt offered to help me out with medicine and some bills - knowing i will pay her back bc i did this before when i was in a tough spot, paid her back, PLUS 1,000 dollars for putting up with me, which she greedily took. then, all of a sudden, she decides to stop helping with meds and i went 1 MONTH without insullin! and she didnt even care that i was getting sicker.

i keep applying for jobs - remote bc of covid. i apply every damn day and never get a job - despite the fact that i graduated from a distinguished freaking university with honors. why did i bother? what was the point? i cant get a freaking job. i have certificates in quantum touch and reiki....still - not a job to be seen.

my meds make me sick - literally. i puke after i take them. so , i stopped taking them. and they are mood stabalizers. so now i am depressed and hopless and beyond repair . and all i do is take hanndfuls of benzos so that i can sleep all day and night bc i hate my life.

i worked on my childhood trauma for years and years - really made so much progress and healing. i thought all that was over - and out of the blue yesterday - more crap comes up. i just cant anymore. and i am so alone with it, i have no one to talk to about it - no one to tell.

I do not remember the last time i had any human contact at all bc no one cares about me, no one wants me. i am unlovable and unwanted and told that every day. and oh, besides the childhood trauma - i was bullied as a child and even to this day - when i hear someone laughing, i cringe and think its me. when ppl are talking, i sink down and im sure they are saying mean things about me. i try to stay invisable all the time so there is less chace i will be looked at and made fun of.

i am alone, i am unwanted, i have nowere to go.

NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE. If you're reading this I know the universe has something good coming for you. Don't give up. Hold onto the positive thoughts until they win. Reflect and learn. You guys are worth so much and you're not alone. I'm proud of how far you've come already. Wish the best for all of you. <3

I want to be dead. Kill me.