You can rant here

I'm very sad that my listeners don't talk to me anymore on 7cups. I used to have very engaging listeners. I get that people have their own lives and have to move on sometimes. But I don't have anyone to talk to again. So now I guess I have to start to weed through listeners again to find one that fits with me. That is a long arduous tiring process for someone with mental problems.

Just random thoughts going through my head lately. I've decided to try and take 3 courses this coming Fall, as I looked at the vacation times of my colleagues, they're fairly spread out from Sept - Dec, so, it looks like I have more free time for school. Although I do have until Aug.20th to make my final decision, before the tuition fees are due. Also, my college seems to be opening campus this Fall. So, about 90% of courses are no longer offered online. I had hope they'd be able to keep at least 50% online. I'm a bit nervous about taking 3 courses, afraid that I won't be able to handle the workload. At the same time, I feel a little excited, as I chose subjects that I have interest in (2 Psychology courses). As for the English (it's on Modern Novel, Poetry & Drama). So, I'm thinking it should be more interesting than just plain English course. I'm only hoping that there aren't a lot of papers to write.

I've been trying to finish a certificate at the moment too. Working on the 2nd assignment of the program. I'm a third way through the assignment. I'm hoping to finish it up today, if not within this week. That way, I can submit it, probably get it back to make some changes, then once accepted, move on with the lessons. I still have 2 units left in the Ceritificate to finish and my subscription is expiring soon. Unless I can renew it a second time. But, I'm thinking I should still finish it in the summer, so that in the Fall, I can just focus on those 3 courses.

With the Certificate though, I basically only have the weekends to work on it, as my work schedule is full. Mon-Fri, 8-weeks straight. I've been pre-booked with shifts until mid-Aug. Since the shift is from 12-8pm, I usually don't get up until 9am (trouble sleeping at night, not falling asleep until close to 3am). Then, I usually eat a brunch, then head for work. After work, by the time I've finished my shower, it's close to 9pm. I'd wind down with music, before heading to bed. Don't really have the energy to work on the Certificate program. I've been quite exhuasted at work, been really busy, lots of surgeries ending late. Had been experiencing some dizzy spells, been feeling lightheaded at work.

Last Saturday, I actually fainted at home after dinner. Luckily my brother was there, or else my parents would've probably called an ambulance. Let's just say, I had no idea how I ended up on the floor. I remember holding a plastic basin because I said I was feeling nauseous, I remember getting up from a chair as my mum wanted to help me to the sofa. Then, when I came to, I was on the floor. Brother said they kept calling my name (which I had no recollection of), so I guess I really blacked out completely.

This happens, luckily, usually at home. I remember in my life, this was probably like the 5th time, and it's usually when I have family around, so, not once did I end up fainting and hitting my head somewhere. I heard a few years ago, at work, they had a nursing student, who suddenly fainted, and her head it the floor and there was blood everywhere. Not sure how she was afterwards, but it's lucky for her, that it happened in the OR (a nursing student for the OR). So she got treated immediately. I'm just fortunate that of all the times I've actually fainted, that I was at home with family to catch my fall~

I’m terrified right now. This is because I have a case hearing on September and I feel like I’m counting down to the end of the world. This is because my mind is thinking of a lot of worst case scenarios. The worst case scenario I’m terrified of is getting sent to jail. I’m unable to feel completely happy or relaxed since then.

I wanna begin a quest to accept the fact that i may not find happiness and satisfaction in this life at least. I have never had a friend or a person who might be as special to me as I am to them. I have fallen in love but I there wasn't reciprocation of those feelings, and as far as I remember noone thought that I was memorable or worth remembering or mentioning. Always the last option never a special person or a person who is liked. Idk where to start though

I hate people. I want to be stuck, timeless. KLFVZKLDVNDLKZFJNVALFKJ

when he cheats its like you did me a favor but it sucks when i see you move on with someone else. grieving phase isn't the easiest...but i wouldn't want to be in a rebound relationship. its been an uphill battle, but a temporary one for sure

random ranting:

i only have been getting 4 hours or less of sleep every dang night

all my friends, all of them, spend all the time talling me about their problems and about them - its NEVER about me

i hate feeling i have to help everyone, emotionally, but i am left alone to deal with my stuff

i want so much to sleep but i cant

well, another night of me ranting about not sleeping. I do everything i can to sleep...

i was supposed to have an appointment to have my tarot cards read today. well, yesterday but she rescheduled atthe last min - which i understood. then today she just straight up forgot about me. least she tld me that with no excuse. then she thinks im going to reschedule! like i want to go through being blown off for the 3rd time!

i have a bunch of new scary health problems i am dealing with alone because none of my friends can seem to liste nto me or even ASK me about how I am even though they know what I am going through.

I HATE how I STILL have a gut reaction to situations that trigger my childhood trauma - even though i have worked through most of it and healed - i still get that knee jerk reaction from that wounded part of me.when will i be free!?

I hate this dang pandemic - and how i can not do much or go anywhere.

How all my friends " friends"( the ones that i listen to and listen to and get nothing back from) are kinda far from me , distance wise. so i feel even More alone.

I am broke. i cant work. my disability has not even started yet bc its taking me so long to get that together.

i hate not sleeping.

Ranting for a Focused Monday.
5 things that I prioritize.
1. I will make calls...
A. To find a psych on my health.
B. Costco, because I am having major issues with Microsoft Windows blue screen of errors.
C. My client, to return her cat key.
2. I will brainstorm and grow one story...on group accountability on online teaching, and in person student accountability with check in and sharing with collaborative work. Then I'll tie a second story about asking students to dig deeper to analyze a short story.
....and it to the cv. It's an outline.
B. APPLY TO 2 JOB FOR GSAKE.
3. I will make space for new things that have function.
a. Clean drawer with melted plastic.
b. Take out stuff from closet. Decide if I want it to be clothes or empty space,, or stuffed animals.
4. I like having happiness.
a. ACE (Achieve, connect, and enjoy)
b. Go out? Return that white jeans that don't look good.
c. Move, exercise gut. Soo it's healthy.
d. Enjoy the meals. Eat full and don't leave behind.

New day. New tomorrow. My I am going to do this Thursday.

1 waaaakere upper

2 shower dog. Get rid of tics. Make vet appointment. ;(

3 apply for sub position. (Need transcript) apply for office job.

4 call Costco and get laptop serviced. Issue still recurring.

5 Shower for haircut. Ask haircutter for long layers.