You can rant here

I am calm. I am calm. I am calm. I got a bit over-excites. My lungs...deep breathes. Breaaaaathe in. Pause. Exhale.

I am calm. A bit over-sensitive. 54321.

I am x.

I am hungry so I will eat.

I am having cramps, so I eat protein.

Heat up stew.

I am feeling slightly not motivated. This feels like a chore. I am handling. All the yuck clothes, TO THE laundry machine. My goal is to get them clean after wear. And some of them are new. So I'm excited to have it back and nice.

I'm sad. I sit and sleep. I want to not do anything. Here's 3 movements I can make.

1. Gentle room exercise - strength, cardio, or flexibility sets

2. Draw. Draw. Draw

3. Cluttered floor to trash

Dealing with depression and loneliness two-thirds of my life so far, as much as I want to feel happiness, I recently met someone online that said that eternal happiness can only occur if we let go of the past. To have depression, and have traumas engraved in my memory, I'm having a difficult time to put my past aside without being triggered.

Things aren't easier because I'm a very sensitive and serious person. I can't tell if someone was joking or being sarcastic. I'm also easily influenced by what others say to me. My mood is instantly affected and it usually ruins my day, until the situation has been cleared from any misunderstandings.

With the loneliness, with no friends and family who understands my depression and what I feel most days, I'm getting slightly desperate to have a close friend. So with this online friend that another friend of mine introduced, I'm putting my all in it to sustain a friendship. Even if it's someone I'll never meet, friendships are precious to me. But this person seems to be always busy with work, that sometimes, I don't hear from them for three days. Which automatically would make me think that I'm being ignored. I understand their busy schedule, but at the same time, I can't help but to think this way. Am I acting too dependent and clingy?~

Hi, haven't been here for a while. New semester's starting and I think it only makes me feel even more alone than I was during the holiday - as many others I was told that uni is going to be the time of my life, best years and all that, especially since I am inclined to working in the lab and studying hard and you know all that stuff that was supposed to make uni even easier and more pleasurable to me. And while I'm getting better at managing the study part of it (these years were hard), I'm absolutely devastated at the social part of it, not sure if I even should say disappointed, since for quite the part I'm at fault for my experience with it. I thought I would meet more people who are similar to me, that it would be a contrast to school, where I hardly could find any friends (and even if I did I feel like it was only due to the fact that we were basically stuck in the same group for decade or so). While in reality I don't see honestly anyone I could remotely relate to, more than that I feel almost invisible. Even forgoing the goal of making friends or acquaintances, some would ignore me talking directly to them (asking a study-related question and never getting an answer, nice). At this point I feel like still trying being social would look pathetic. I'm not sure I want to talk to anyone anymore.
My friend of 4 years (probably the longest friendship I had so far) doesn't really listen to me either. He wouldn't even respond to the jokes I send 3/4 of the times, but of course would engage in a dialogue if it's something about him/his current interest. And I know it's hard for him to focus most of the time and you know, brain does what it does and maybe my jokes/topics aren't as interesting to him as his own (which is not surprising but still hurtful), but I'm not sure at what point you could excuse it with biochemistry and at what point a guy is just way too self-absorbed and kind of a douche. I just want to talk about stuff I found interesting for a change (I know I'm not an ideal friend as well and almost never watch the shows he likes [to be frank I haven't watched a movie in half a year at least, I don't really watch anything besides something studies related] but I'm usually here to listen him talk about it or just rant about whatever). I feel like I'll never get a proper conversation that I would whole-heartily enjoy, I just feel exhausted most of the time.

I can't learn soft skills and emotional intelligence. I might have level 1 autism. Asperger's test site say I have that but that is no longer a diagnosis. Anyway, I also have alexithymia and aphantasia. I don't know what some people think that everyone can learn soft skills and emotional intelligence. I can't learn them at at all. I also can't interview but that has not been a problem for me since my mom and cousin have given me a job for years. I don't really get paid, but my mom buys everything for me. I've studied many things but never felt like I got any skills. I've been productive each day. Anyway, I started learning adobe photoshop, illustrator, and animate. I can't draw well , or paint but I decided to start learning them, since I have not got anywhere and I'm 31 now. So, I can design art in redbubble now, It's not the best out there but I have redbubble store now. Anyway, so for photoshop, I don't understand for people with light skin (not black I mean like white, and east asian and so on). Anyway, sometimes they say they clean up the photo, and I don't understand what they changed, it looks like they didn't change anything to me. So for photoshop, illustrate and animate, I may become somewhat good at them, but not be the best out their. I think I also don't have most social skills. I can't public speak at all, and I can't talk straight in a youtube video. I have a channel, but I'm not good at youtube. I put clips of a couple seconds together to make a video. I have 13 subscribers. So, on alison.com, i did their work assessment and they told me I have a bad personality and that I should do some courses, a few months ago I did some of those courses but I actually can't do the skills I read about. I knew from before Im not able to do any soft skills, and they recommended tons of these kinds of courses. The only section I did well on in their work assessment was the part that graded how efficient a worker you are.

Hey,

im feeling like im less worth than others, that im not allowed to be sad or feel bad. I think that my problems aren't that bad than others problems. Then im starting to feel bad and hate myself for being such a failure. I am lonely and don't want to be anymore but i think about myself that noone even care about me. At least i can't even talk to others about it because i don't trust them or don't want to share my secrets. And because i hate myself i started to harm myself too its dump isn't it?

I felt bad today. I thought a lot of things with apprehension, fear, and a lump of confusion and anger. I thought people in my neighborhood were following me. Specifically, all the drivers. I came home and felt like the people following didn't follow me. I thought they let me be. I felt better that I was not looked at with a magnify glass. I need steps to take to increase my resilience and thoughts on being watched.

I also sent a passive aggressive email to hr. After I sent it, I realized my frustration came through about the problem I had. I need to find remedy and be nice of it instead of complaining. I should have asked how to get in contact with the person helping me instead of upfront demand anyone give me answers on the question I had.

I am scared. About existing and being a person and making a small step in any direction or life because I can't think under pressure and I feel I am doing wrong to others.

My parents recently got into an argument that left my dad crying. The reason my dad was crying was because he couldn’t take all of my mom’s nagging and verbal abuse. He left the house not only to get away from her, but he also had to go on a business trip. I worry about my dad as he might do something drastic.