Alone

Alot of things

Yes you're right about that. Idk it's so much in my head all the time. My thoughts tend to destroy me everyday. I hate myself and always have for as long as I can remember. Household was very abusive, I was bullied at home, in the neighborhood and at school. I dropped out in middle school because the school was terribly ran and I had so much anxiety every single day in fear of going to that place but had no idea at that time what anxiety was or that I even had it. Went to therapy but growing up we never talked about feelings because my mother was very neglectful. I was also intimidated into lying to any therapist as a child by her to keep my mouth shut or it would be my fault if I was sent to a boys home and she was kicked out of the house. My dad and step mom was the last bit of family I had. He passed in 2012 when I was 17 and she passed the year after. I have been back with my mother ever since. It is ***. I feel horrible everyday, I don't get out of bed much anymore or even go outside because the last time I hung out with a neighbor she hunted me down and threatened to lock me out of the house if I didn't come in.. I was also in my 20's at this time but the embarrassment and living in a gossipy neighborhood who stares everytime I rarely go outside because I'm the "freak" keeps me inside and I rarely verbally talk to anyone anymore besides my mom which hardly ever happens unless she is mad or wants me to do something. I smoke weed because it's the only thing that brings me joy anymore if it even actually does. I had many times in my life where I wasn't a good person. I have many regrets in life and rightfully so I think. 28 yrs old now. Alone, sad, depressed, lazy, I eat somedays and then other days I don't hardly at all. My body is always in some kind of pain. I'm trapped in this house. It's pretty much become a prison cell where I stay and let my thoughts beat me up. My family does not reach out even though they know how bad it's gotten. Tried talking to my mom about these things but she either gets mad, laughs when I cry or just walks away from me and trys forcing me to go to a hospital. I don't really know what to do anymore. I suppress all of my emotions because I was taught to do so since childhood. I make no noise because even if we would laugh while my mom was trying to sleep we would get yelled at so being quiet is something I am used to and I always try to not make any noise when I cry which sometimes nothing even comes out unless I listen to sad music that releases it somehow. It's just really starting to suck badly and it's been going on for years. Wish my dad and step mom was still here. I very much regret never telling them how sad I was but I just didn't know how at that time and still don't think I do. Didn't even know I was abused until I did research these past few years and based off of memory from scenarios that happened revealed to me I was. I just wonder why I was born. Wish I wasn't and still think it's all my fault. I don't want to have kids because of it. I would never forgive myself to bring someone in the world who is like me and has to suffer without asking for it. I'm sorry this was so long but yea.. This is some of what fills my head from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep almost every single day. Was alot stronger as a kid I've realized or it's just I'm not able to hold it all in as good as I used to because it's so much more now I really don't know. Thank you to anyone who read this entire rant.

Thank you

Wow everyone is so nice. Thank you too and hopefully me embarrassing myself and admitting to things in life will help another person do the same. It's not starting to be so embarrassing when you are still accepted. Which has been a help from you guys. Mike Tyson aswell, if anyone wanted to find someone to relate to as a man who is sensitive and feel shame to show your insecurities. His interviews on his life and boxing career may help you. Nicknamed the baddest man on the planet and that whole time he would cry and was afraid to fight, afraid to hurt people and afraid to get hurt himself. Never met him but those videos alone helped.

Thank you