Can I ask how you all know who to trust and who not too?

I learned by reading a 99 Red Flags of Toxic People article. 🤷‍♀️

@Tinywhisper11

Hi whisper❤️,

To answer this question and be warned I write alot of blabber I would say...

Trusting someone is hard especially when we are locked away from the world. The world is also very scary. To be honest it kinda depends on the person too e.g my trauma affected the trust I had in people etc etc ..

Everyone is different in how they trust others. I'll be honest I find it hard to trust people due to alot in my life. Getting to know someone is a way I guess ...but then again.. it's complicated. And some people do tend to hide themsleves if you know what I mean.

Due to my trust issues it takes a while for me to get to know someone and talk to them.

I usually will briefly be with them forr a short period of time and get to know them and their character. Sometimes I get to know more about someone when I spend time with someone and over time it builds my trust. Sometimes we find we don't get along with someone which could put out trust into danger.

So that's how I got to trust people it's a strange concept and very confusing. But if I'm honest I'm still figuring out myself. I have been lost in trusting people so your not alone.

Your not alone in your battles. Keep fighting and you will find light.

@Tinywhisper11

I wish I can say I had some strict guidelines and principles that I use to trust people but honestly I've been gauging on personalities and how much I fit with certain people's vibes. Some people I'll trust my whole life on the first day I meet them, others I'll be a lot more reluctant and it takes like years before I open up to them. I think so far it hasn't hurt me too much so I guess it works for me? Haha!

@Tinywhisper11 In my opinion, to learn to trust-- you have to be willing to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Trusting requires giving freely of your heart even with the possibility of being hurt. What happened to you is so sad and heartbreaking and I understand wanting to guard your heart. Sometimes you just have to because of past pains, but once you let people in your life and love, naturally the trust should come. I try and trust people I care and love for because they have not shown me that they are untrustworthy. But still, I trust people in different ways. And some people I trust more than others. Tiny, you are a beautiful, strong, amazing person and you deserve all the love given to you. I am proud of you for being open and sharing your story with us. I admire your strength.

@Tinywhisper11

🤷‍♀️ 🤷‍♂️

Heard of the gumball method?

For every trustworthy, good, kind thing someone does, put a gumball in a jar.

For every underhanded, terrible thing, take one out

When the jar is full that person is trustworthy I guess?

I had a friend in my life who had a similar situation, and I wanted to start by saying that the reason I say that in past tense is she chose to walk away from the friendship for one reason or another. I am telling you that because I want to start by saying there is no objectively right path and you are going to make good calls and bad calls and learn from them as you go, and that is okay. I forgive her and don’t mind that my friend peaced-out, and similarly, anyone who is worth your trust will be comparably understanding in the long run. In short, do your best, and give yourself permission to get it wrong one way or another sometimes, and forgive yourself when it happens.

As to how to trust, I think it has a lot to do with examining how another person approaches life, and measuring them against their own values. Other people don’t need to think like you do, but they should be consistent and comfortably predictable to interact with. If I am finding myself frequently surprised in an uncomfortable way, I typically do not extend trust. Additionally, when I do extend trust, I always “trust but verify” meaning that I make sure their behaviors continue to reinforce the image of the person I am trusting in.

As you navigate finding your own answer to this all, consider what trust means to you, and the variations under which a trust relationship can be constructed. Are you trusting someone to not hurt you physically? Emotionally? Trusting them to be there at a certain time? Trusting them to maintain confidence? Etc. Each type of trust has different measures, and the kindest person can be the least reliable. Someone who you don’t trust with a secret may be the best to count on to pick you up on time. I try to judge each type of trust in each person independently and maintain a sort of intuitive mental map of who to trust with what. That was a concept that was very overwhelming for the friend I mentioned above, so she tended to trust in an all or nothing sort of way, and it was very easy to break her trust. That is a perfectly doable paradigm to exist in but it risks denying yourself a lot of decent friendships because many folks will eventually break one type of trust or another. I believe in you and know that over time you will find your own way and maintain many meaningful, healthy relationships, and deflect unhealthy ones. It is a skill you will hone over time if you remain brave and willing to continue extending trust to others.

@Tinywhisper11

1. Observe their actions: People's actions often speak louder than their words. Look for consistency between what they say and what they do, and pay attention to how they treat other people.
2. Take your time: Don't rush into trusting someone right away. Take your time to get to know them and observe their behavior in different situations.
3. Listen to your gut: Trust your instincts when it comes to judging character. If something feels off or you get a bad feeling, pay attention to that.
4. Look for shared values: Seek out people who share your values and beliefs. This can help you build deeper connections with people and find common ground.
5. Be honest and open: Building trust and strong relationships requires honesty and openness. Be willing to share your thoughts and feelings, and listen to others when they do the same.
6. Build gradually: Start by building small connections with people, such as coworkers or acquaintances, and gradually build deeper relationships over time.
7. Seek support: Consider talking to a therapist or counselor who can help you process your past experiences and build skills for trusting others.