recently it means a lot more to me, than it ever should...it's something that my mood/ability to function depends on...and I hate it
It means that I don't deserve to be happy because I'm so fat....
It means that I am fat and that I need to lose another 10 pounds ASAP
I don't even understand what the number means anymore. I know rationally the number growing should be positive. But the number growing makes me want to die. No matter how many times my rational mind tells me not to think like that, it's the way it makes you feel. How can a number make you feel like this?
@Deeniesway - The hardest part about recovery is really wanting it and unfortunately, the body image tends to come last, after all the rest of recovery. You can get to a point where that number causes less pain, but it takes time. In the meantime, keep trying to listen to your rational self, and be kind and forgiving to yourself - you deserve some love, both from yourself and others, and I hope that you have support around you. Take care, and stay strong and wise.
The number on the scale used to mean that I was failing at accomplishing whatever goal my eating disorder had made at the time. Now it doesn't have control over me, and it's just a small determiner in whether I'm healthy or not.
The number on the scale used to be just a number, floating in a sea of numbers. Now it's a nagging reminder to change my ways, a constant poke in the side that says, "hey, you kinda suck at this." I wish I could change.
At the moment, it dictates whether I eat or not, how much, what it is, when it is. If I have lost weight, I restrict more to lose more. It is a vicious circle.
Everything. It defines my day. I used to be 42 kilos. Now Im 51. (Gosh) Being in a "healthy" weight makes me feel fat and ugly. My boyfriend met me when I was 42 kilos. Now I feel like he doesnt like my body. Have a weight over 45 makes me feel weak. My sister in las say she is under 50 kilos. I think she is fat, and if she is under 50 and looks like that I wonder how fat I look. I just HATE to see a number over 45. Cant explain the feeling
The number on the scale, for me, is not a source of horror... But, a relief that another day in my life will have meaning. The number, whether up or down, provides me a clear and stable goal from which I can orient my existential, anxious, and aesthetic oriented mind a reason to not hurt.
It means im not good enough and never will be. That i am weak and worthless. That i need punishing.
it is a number for goodness sakes. labeling yourself based on one number is stupid, you shouldn't be doing that to yourself, you're beautiful, and so is every girl that acts like that to themselves. ;-; if you don't like what you see, you can always fix it, don't give up on your goals, and do something good for yourself. if you just keep feeling sorry for yourself nothing will be achieved. you're the only one who can stand up and realise you need to lose weight. i believe in yourself, good luck xx and remember, not all scales are accurate. only a trained health specialist can determine if you are healthy or not, not you. you're probably fine.
