Eating Disorder Community - How do you actually feel today?
I feel like I have hit a brick wall and not one that I can bounce off of. I have no control of my eating again. I hate myself. I go some days without eating and then others days with binging. I can't let myself eat though without equally taking diet pills to ensure I don't gain weight but it still doesn't work. I am gaining weight. I am messing up everything. I have lost all support, I am nobody
Broken yet happy. Because I am eating less... a lot less... i don't know if I should say how many calories or what i had today but... less. And so that means my weight will go down but, i know once my mother finds out it will break her heart and make her think its her fault and i dont wanna do that to her...
idk how im feeling.. idk how bad i am.. or if everything is okay... im lost...something is wrong and i wish someone was here to help...
@ShallanXx .... Your address, please? j/k ... Really though if I knew where, I'd come or try to come or at least call ya. Perhaps we could help each other. It seems I am much better at helping someone else or listening well to him/her, than I am at taking care of myself well or stating positive things to myself. Do take care; you may write to me here if you like :) Platy
@cyanPlatypus6370 thanks! Do you habe kik..maybe we could talk there
@ShallanXx ... I do not have kik. I'm not sure what that is actually LOL. I am also a listener here at 7cups. You could look me up if you like (hint: 6370). Have a super evening/night! We are having another superb thunderstorm :D I love thunderstorms. They are very cathartic for me. ttyl, Platy
I've been doing really good lately but it is getting harder and harder. I'm even dreaming up binging and when I wake up, the guilt is insanely real. I'm already stressing about myself ruining my two week streak of binge/purge free. Who knew you could stress over something that hasn't and might not even happen yet!
I can barely find energy to get up. Forcing myself to eat is too much and after a horrible week I want to disappear :'(
@IamOHhh .... sending you hugs, dear OHhh!!! ((( HUG ))) ((( HUG ))) hugs for you!!! <3 Platy
@IamOHhh I am sorry to hear that you are struggling right now! We are here for you! I am here for you!
I've gotten things mostly under control so far, but it gets hard the second I have an assignment or event. It just feels odd to prioritize eating over work and social obligations.
@ErwineRommel - I can relate to that feeling, but I think that that sort of logic sounds like the ED talking, not like ErwineRommel talking! :) I think that even when it feels odd, you know that none of the other things (work, social obligations, etc.) are possible if you don't start with taking care of yourself and making sure you're okay and that means eating. If you ever need to talk through it, I'm here *hugs*
TRIGGER WARNING!!!
My weight has decreased dramatically since I left my emotionally abusive mom in late October, who I rambled on in several other threads. But hell, I may have mentioned she tried to force-feed me indirectly 3 meals a day; snacks didn't count. I was most upset because I was just taken off the sleep medication I was on that increased my weight from xxx to xxx when she really started pulling it off. I felt I was going to become just as piggish as she was, or even worse. She was xxx lb. as opposed to my original xxx lb.
The psych ward's sleep meds had me saying the doctors were body shaming me, then followed by my mom forcing me to eat constantly since I didn't eat much and would blame that for my seizures. That caused so much stress that I couldn't just have snacks to satisfy me instead. I had at least three seizures from the food situation of hers alone. She blames the snacks' nutrition facts, where they never gave me an issue except maybe my first seizure and maybe one other before the psych ward. I can go more than 10-12 hours without a large meal.
Since leaving mom, I was able to eat whenever and whatever I wanted. Tho my grandmother would get agitated at some of the foods I ate would give me diabetes, as she once had diabetes in her life. My dad doesn't have the best diet either, but he and I are the same build and NEVER got diabetes.
Back on topic, I always thought I was a pig for quite a few years, but that sleep medication and my mom's indirect force-feeding worsened my disorder. Since this year, I usually starved (and if I ate, it was mostly healthy food) out of those events triggering the shit out of me if not for anything else that gave me PTSD. In January I lost xx lb between that and no more sleep meds from the middle of 2016. Since January, I went from xxx to xxx. So xx pounds down. xx more to go before I'm back to the way I used to be. But at least I didn't have to sell every last pair of my jeans/shorts; just some of them that either I didn't like or were REALLY that tight. ;w; I really didn't want to end up with my mom's weight. It's like SHE WANTED ME to be her size too. I actually did see jealousy that she couldn't have my shape. :C
But, now that I'm almost back to my old weight, I am better off. My metabolism was always high, and I never gained weight from whatever I ate; it was just that sleep medication. Thank god I am not taking any other meds that cause the same thing. >_>
[edited by Anomalia to remove weight specifics]
I'm not sure if I'm starting to develop an eating disorder. I've purged and fasted beforebecause I'm just so desperate to lose weight and I do this all the time. The past few years I've always hated my weight and everyone says I'm not even close to fat. I tear up everytime I see myself in the mirror and if I gain an ounce I get so depressed and want to self harm and just starve. I just don't know if I'm beginning to develop one?
@hawaiianlife .... @Anomalia - you perhaps?
@hawaiianlife - Hi lovely, no one here can officially tell you if you are developing an eating disorder, but I can say that what you're describing sound like some pretty dangerous habits to be developing and are worth dealing with now, not later. If you want to talk about it or about how you're feeling, you're always welcome to reach out to me. I know it's hard to have all of these feelings and not have a good way to release them, but I also know that you can get through this and that there are people here and in your life who want to support you. <3
I'm feeling really depressed lately and people just keep saying why, I don't really know. I don't have a good reason to be but each day I go I get more down and I eat less. The past few days I hardly ate at all. I managed to get up and go to work part of this week and that takes every effort I have in me. At work today I was on lunch and had some crackers at 3 and felt full, I stuffed 2 more down only because I wanted to finish the package. I just want to cry but I put on a smile anyway.
Through I try not to purge at all and be postive and whatever else..the feel of disgust towards my body seems to increase. Not only that I feel fat..no...I feel..deformed. honestly ugly. Like how can a person look like that. And still go out on public .how dare I to eat.. I look ugly...fat.flabby...so weirdly proportioned.it makes no sense.I don't look normal.it scares me...cause whatever I'll try...wether I'll lose weight or not.I'll probably always look.this weirdly deformed..
Feels like.no matter what I do..it's just senseless