Eating Disorder Community - How do you actually feel today?
I think if my new therapist ( or my dr) recommends inpatient, I won't fight them anymore. I took so many laxatives last night. My insides are revolting against me. I feel so out of it... I want to fight. .. but I feel like giving up. I can barely walk. I know I shouldn't have taken all those laxatives, but I gained weight, and I felt I had to. I'm scared . .. but I think I have finally accepted that I'm out of control. it's funny. . the very thing you think you can control, is making you out of control. It's weird to realize that.
@Redheadbaker7206 - I'm incredibly proud of you for this realization - it's a hard one to come to, but an important one. So many eating disorders do start as a way to control something when everything else feels out of control, but there comes a time when no matter how much you feel you're in control, the disorder has taken over, and that's an important time to get any help you can. I believe in you and I know that you can recover, but I think it's a good idea to listen to what the doctors say and if they recommend inpatient to trust that it might be exactly what you need.
The skinnier I am, the happier I feel. does anyone else feel this way?
@Brooke91 - I think that's a pretty common feeling, particularly around those with eating disorders and in part because society rewards thinness. But I think there's also a point where even though the idea of gaining weight can feel scary, you find that being skinny isn't actually making you as happy as you think it will and that your energies have been drained and solely focused on weight. There's a lot of life out there worth living outside of what your body looks like.
I can see all of my ribs and my abs without trying and I'm light and when I ran I had to stop because I couldn't stand up right because my chest was hurting and the same thing with walking up the stairs at school. I feel tippy and I walk into things and my special awareness is off and things seem sort of surreal but it makes me feel light. I get stares and a teacher asked me if I'm eating properly. I ate some of an ice cream and a peace of popcorn and some water today but nothing yesterday. If I didn't eat that today I wouldn't have that extra inside me and in me and it fee,s gross. Eating makes me feel sick and I don't like to do it and I don't need to do it. I like myself the way that I am going. I want to look sick sick sick.
hello everyone , im anna im one of listeners if anyone feels they need a chat then please feel free tio chat to me , im more than happy to help x
I had a pretty good day today. I spent a lot of time with my son. We went out to eat, went to see Dr.strange, and then got ice cream. I only purged twice.. completely against what my therapist wants me to do.. . but at least it's not 5 or more. If I tell her I'm still purging she might tell me I need a higher level of care. That was part of the agreement .. that they won't put me in the hospital if I stop purging. I lost a bit more weight (I know bc I need to get a new belt). I hope if I bring it up next week, that she'll give me another chance. It was very difficult eating with my doctor on Friday, we tried making light conversation, but it was still very awkward. I felt so bloated.... so dirty after eating... I wanted so badly to cut myself. I'm glad I didn't, bc that would just give them another reason to put me in the hospital. I'm trying so hard to stay out. I can do this. .. I just need some time.
Thanksgiving day: a jar of pickles, a jar of mushrooms, 1tbs. Corn, 4oz corn...
I would have been fine... But then mom made me eat 6 cookies, stay in her line of sight at all times and no exercise!
Sat. I have spiraled downhill so much that hunger pangs make me feel good, like I am accomplished...I almost am happy when I have the hunger pangs. I'm always getting in trouble at work b\c we aren't supposed to have gum while working... But instead of eating wen I'm hungry, I chew gum. If they have me spit it out I w8 5min. Then get more. They h8 doing paperwork so wen they threatened me with a write-up I knew I was just so close to getting fired... but I still can't seem to stop. I just do it and ignore them. I have also tried to explain why I have to do it.. but they don't listen and say that it's a health and safety violation.
Today was the first time I have felt like cutting of any other extreme form of punishments just because of eating, but I had extreme feelings of guilt, dread, fear, loathing, and regret just because of the fact that I ate cookie dough. I had VERY strong URGES To cut, purge, overexercise, and any other form of punishment I could think of.
@alexaners7734 - Who are you talking to about those urges? I can hear in your post that you need help and support in getting through this, and you deserve to have that support! Can you talk to someone about what's going on?
@Anomalia I could talk to you about them...if it is OK with you....
@Anomalia but parents are not helping or even listening and I don't have any money to get insurance.
Hello!
I feel calm and warm, safe and secure. I feel like I could be loved exactly as I am, with my imperfect body and with my eating disorder.
@singercrystalspirit - That's wonderful! <3
I wish I was normal. I lay awake at four am.. Cause I'm worried about my weight and feel fat. And in scared to binge cause I was eating quite small the past days. I can't tell people and it scares me.. And now I got an appointment in a clinic. So they advice me if I should go inpatient or not.. And I just don't feel sick enough to deserve it.. And I'm scared it'll fuck up my life even more if I go there.. I'm just a mess.. And I'm alone with it. Cause I burdened people for too long with it. So in staying quite...
@ShallanXx - One of the cruelest things with an eating disorder is that it never lets you feel like you're 'sick enough' to deserve help, but you are and you do. If someone had cancer and it was in an early stage, would you tell them they don't deserve chemotherapy until they are on death's doorstep? Or should they get treatment as soon as possible because that help is needed now? It's the same here. This is causing you pain and it's impacting your life and that means it's time to get help and that you deserve to have that help. I'm really proud of you for getting that appointment at a clinic and I'm wishing you the best in going through with treatment. Because you deserve all the help and support it takes to be healthy and happy
I feel so out of control today. I had something that I wouldn't normally have, and I couldn't stop thinking about how to burn it off. My life has become so dull. My friends that I'm hanging out are so worried that they had a mini intervention. They want to know if I have a bottom.... and truly I don't know. It doesn't seem like I have one.. it just gets deeper. They said the groups and therapy aren't working... I realize that. I'm just terrified of gaining weight... I don't want to go to inpatient huge. I know that's crazy I feel crazy. My boyfriend is not silent anymore ...as he was for a while.. I feel so depressed... so out of control. I feel so alone.
@Redheadbaker7206 - You say you feel so alone, but I also hear from you that your boyfriend and friends are circling around you and trying to get you to get the help you need because they care deeply. I understand the fear of inpatient and I understand wanting to get to 'bottom' before going, but as you said, you're not sure you have one. Nothing is a guarantee to work, but doing nothing absolutely won't - isn't it maybe time for a change?
@Anomalia
I meant they don't understand. I didn't mean physically alone.. emotionally alone.