Book or podcast on mommy issues ???

my mother decided to angrily tell me that I need to communicate with her on this tripod leaving for literally tomorrow morning. She said that my last trip with my boyfriend (this trip isn’t with him it’s with her parents) I was irresponsible and didn’t even try to communicate with her or my dad. She told me my behavior was unacceptable. She said “don’t give me that look. Don’t even start to try to defend yourself about how there was no signal up there or whatever.” So I interrupted and explained that I sent messages to my siblings and they were supposed to tell her and dad that I was texting them. My dad was in the room and even defended me a little bit.

Because my mother was caught in her own false accusations and assumptions, she continued to try to say that regardless, I need to be better about communicating to her and that I am her child and it’s my job to be better and try harder for her.

So I left and took a shower and had a panic attack and silently cussed her out in my head for twenty minutes. I really want to be able to have a conversation about these kinds of interactions with her in the future, but I really don’t know if i can handle it maturely.

I guess I’m just trying to get this off my chest? I don’t think I’ve been able to actually process anything my mother has said to me… ever? I remember as a kid she was ask me to do something and I was say “okay!” And then she would yell at me “don’t just say okay you need to go do it. Now.” And I still sort of do this. She will tell me something or ask me to do something and I won’t have actually heard her but I’ll just say okay or “yeah you’re right” just to get her to shut up and leave me alone. She makes me feel inferior, and incompetent. She makes me feel unable to do anything I actually want to do in my life.

if any of you actually read all of this please suggest some kind of book or podcast or YouTube series or literally fucking anything that could help my process this stuff with my mom. The mommy issues are so intense. And I want to be able to see her and not shut her out mentally all the time. I want to hang out with her. I want to have fun with her. She’s so funny and smart and beautiful. But all I see is someone who thinks I’m just NOT good enough.