Elderly mum
I'm in my mid 40s and been trying treatments for chronic depression for 20 years or so.
I've mostly given up getting emotional support from my relatives after all this time so mostly when I end up in relapses like the current one I live in isolation and just try continue treatment on my own as I always did.
But it still angers me that my mum (who is highly educated and was aware of psychological findings) still dismisses me when I am at breakpoint and try reach out just for a kind word.
These dark weeks I've been feeling I'm tired of life on a daily basis and when I had to start yet another treatment trial I just told her about the weariness I felt and she just says 'go for a walk, Cheer up' and never was interested in how I feel or why. She always dismisses my depression and chronic illness as being my fault because I don't follow her diet.
As she is old now I'm trying holding back from reminding her of all the times I was a child and saw her acting suicidal and I'd feel need to protect her... But at times it saddens me and enrages me
@anonyLemon4233 You are deserving of many kind words and not having that when you are in a dark place from someone who you maybe feel should or does know it's real (and not something a walk or specific meal will fix) is hurtful. Sometimes I think people dismiss others' suffering if it might force them to confront their own shortcomings - as a parent or otherwise. Denial and "I never needed any kind of help and I turned out okay" mentality can be pervasive and damaging to people who are evolving in darkness. I'm not sure if that's the case with your mother, but sometimes people can't reckon with their own struggles and being aware of anyone who is working on climbing the mountain of mental health recovery is something they literally might not be able to handle? It forces someone to stare in a mirror they may have avoided for a lifetime. The balance of protecting her and seeking what you need is something I don't envy and I wish you peace with navigating that part of this. I feel your sadness and rage are valid and you are deserving of support.
@DeeHopeful thank you for your insights. I'll never be sure but I think they do fit into this picture. I partly understand her as she had a very difficult time and maybe it's easier to survive by shutting out the notion of any emotions.
I find even some friends react coldly or don't keep contact once I explain the despair I'm feeling.
But we are all flawed and hope i can always remember that to keep things in perspective.
@anonyLemon4233 For me it was really painful and disappointing to not receive what I needed from my parents. Someone once shared with me that we cannot expect things from people that they don't have the capacity to give us. I thought about that in context of my upbringing and it gave me some peace to just tell myself it was like expecting blood from a stone. It definitely doesn't excuse someone's harshness or abuse to others.
@DeeHopeful in family constellations therapy we focus on acceptance of what was and parents have given us life so that is the main gift they give.
It taught me to see that my parents were also acting out of a place of anxiety and fear so they could not see me as they were engulfed in their relationship issues as well as their own childhood traumas.
Still, I hope parents today have more awareness of their impact on children's emotional intelligence and recognise when there is a dysfunction which needs to be addressed in same way as if the child had a fever.
@anonyLemon4233 Yes! This totally makes sense and I've tried to understand also that my parents were not equipped emotionally to influence me in any healthy way. I chose not to have children at an early age and have never regretted it. You bring an excellent point about how physical illness and ailments get addressed. The emotional well being is such an after thought at best. I too hope parents today are more aware!
@anonyLemon4233
I also have struggled with depression for over 20 years. I recognize much of what you shared in my life as well. Please know that you're not alone!
I understand what you mean by giving up attempts of getting emotional support from relatives. Over the years, I can to understand that there are members of family and either can't (are capable of) or won't (not willing to) offer support to others in need. I think that understanding and being able to recognize this was a big step forward for me. I was then able to ask myself "Okay, now what?". And I was able to find alternatives of support for myself.
I certainly hear your frustration at trying to reach out to your mother, in hopes that she will show kindness, but not having that need met. Also of you sharing how you are feeling about treatment but feeling that she's dismissive by using clichés. (My mother's was "well, just perk up" )
I can also relate to the mix of emotions (sadness and rage) that you express with your mother. I often felt like that when I was desperate for her to hear me, see me, help me.. but she wouldn't.
I realize that Cups isn't a replacement for your family meeting your needs but I hope that you will find the support that you need, that you may be missing from your family. There are wonderful people here on Cups, who have had similar experiences and can relate, or others who may not share your experiences but can be supportive and understanding just the same.
Please feel free to post here any time that you want to or need to share how you feel.
~ Sher CML/F&C
Thank you @Sher217 for welcoming me here and sharing your own experience.
Im sorry to hear of your long struggles.
I was brought up in a family( like many others) where emotions were never brought up or discussed and illness was frowned upon.
So I still struggle with an especially strong sense of shame when I'm depressed. So when others don't recognise it it's even worse as I feel guilty of not managing to function.
@anonyLemon4233
I can understand that. I'm really glad that you're here and are open to sharing too.
I'm looking forward to getting to know you a little better 😊
~ Sher CML/F&C
@anonyLemon4233 - validating that you are deserving of support and the love that you missed because your mother had mental health issues. Sounds like you were the adult and she was the needy one. Not surprising that you are angry, sad, depressed and disappointed all at once. At the least we are here to hear your story and say I hope you continue to reach out here on 7cups. We care.
@barncat (what a nice name!) thank you for your kindness.
I've done a lot of work in Family constellations therapy (which I found very powerful) but the resentment towards my parents is still there. At times it eases but I still observe it rising and its disheartening as I didn't resolve while my father was still alive and feel I won't manage with mum.
I also feel I'll be Incapable of eventually assisting her physically as I'm worn out myself.
@anonyLemon4233- your first obligation is taking care of yourself. Curious about family constellation therapy - will reseach that modality. Being a caregiver for a parent is exhausting, please be careful with your own physical limitations. Resentment is a strong emotion. I understand it well. Kudos to you.
@barncat I live on my own but as I'm the only daughter I guess she will be expecting me to take care of her as she refuses to consider leaving her house.
Re family constellations my therapist had mentioned I should try. You can look up also Hellinger's Orders of Love. It's done in a group setting but nothing related to psycho drama or acting.
I got loads of insights - it's a therapy like no other as you work with your heart not with logical thinking- you do not need to understand it but just try it out. However I must say it makes a great difference who the facilitator is and I was lucky to work with a very sensitive therapist
@anonyLemon4233- I always swore I would not take care of my parents. My sister lives close to my father. But lately have changed my mind. My mother passed May 2020 in a facility for dementia. It is hard when a parent demands you as their caregiver. Choice is a stronger motivator. Take care.