Is it normal for a parent to tell adult child what they must do
So, let me add some context. I am 20 years old. I currently live with my Father and Brother. It used to be my Mother as well but she and my Dad separated years ago.
I think since I left school, my Dad has been trying to get me to do things. It doesn’t happen super often, but when it does it sucks
he INSISTS that I try new hobbies and things. And it’s not like I can not do it, I have to try. And yeah, I could try things myself but here’s the problem, I don’t. I struggle to decide.
but when he does tell me I need to do things, it does upset me. And he knows it, and has said he will step back. But he will still nag me. Tell me about how I should me much busier than I am
how busy am I? I do volunteer work twice a week (trying to find a proper job too), I do music practise once a week and horse riding once a week. And I recently started driving lessons
i currently don’t study as everything feels too messy for that right now, but I was before and I studied art which my father wasn’t a huge fan of because I “couldn’t make a career out of it”.
he says I wasn’t like this back in school. If that’s so then what happened to me? What made me the person that I am? One that isn’t adventurous and doesn’t try things without thinking… he also claimed that I was a “top student” even though my grades were C on average lol
and crazy thing. He says if I want him off my back, I should just do it. I’m sorry, but why should this be a reason? It sounds ridiculous
does he also do this with my brother you may ask? The answer is no. But my brother is in a better position than I am. He’s at uni studying computer science and has a good job and is more fit than me. I get compared to him sometimes which feels unfair but also, is he lying?
one could say “you decide what to do” but once again I can’t. So this is probably why I am still treated like a school child. Father even said in the past that I should be in a school like environment where I am just told what to do…
and I can’t do nothing, he thinks I am not busy enough. Kids my age stay up all night studying. That speaks a lot about my own character. I could be 10x busier than I am
and I can’t really say “no” to what he suggests because when I do he says “how do you know if you never tried it?” “No venture no gain”
um… I think this is all and I don’t want this to be too long. My mind is very conflicted on this entire situation. Is he too controlling or am I not decisive or do I just need to be told what to do? Please let me know your honest thoughts. If this post was bothersome in some way, I am sorry. I am new to this app and don’t really know where to go. This is it I think.
I was Like you too. For the most part.
but i tell you that it is your father worrying to you.
for me it seem he is worry you cant enjoy life. Maybe not enjoy but experience. Cause experience is important even though sometime you dont enjoy it.
I was in your shoes. The really really big problem is he cant explain it to you.
I went there too. And now i understand what my parent wanted to say.
and now i know but i cant explain same thing to my little brothers. I just can tell him there are these things you can do and should do it.
He is worrying that you are out of path. And he wishes if he tell you what to do. The things he think will help you. You can still be Ok. And not suffer or suffer less. In life.
i dont want to make exceptions but most family are like this. Some of them can express it. Some of them are too much busy to be able to tell you what to do. Or they have low temper. But they always see life through their childs.
I am not old. But i have been like you. I am 20 too. And i am so happy i could figure that out.
just like you i have not finished high school but trying too.
what to do.
is if you think will work. Talk to him. Tell him what he want. And tell him that you know he is worrying for you. And maybe let him into your life a little and your plans.
they will really feel apart when you dont tell them your plans.
hope you be fine. This might not be what you wanted to hear but it is the truth i know.
@Itisscarlie831 Yes, in my opinion your dad is being controlling and not very empathetic. I have experienced a lot of things similar from my own family. Some of it may come out of feeling anxious for you to be doing well and worrying about you, but there is also a lot of judgment and in my opinion sometimes parents can unfortunately see children as an extension of their own success and are insecure about the opinions of others when their child is struggling.
I hope you are able to stand up to your dad a little bit until you are able to move out at some point. Maybe tell him that you understand he is worried about you, but you will pursue your interests and career at your own pace. You're young and have time and healing your mental health is important too, which unfortunately many older parents/older generations may not be educated about.
