Mooching in-laws
I’m currently 6 months pregnant, married and adopted a daughter in May. My husband’s mother has randomly decided to move in and my husband won’t tell her to leave. She is almost 50, has no job and always relied on others to take care of her. She uses my car, eats our food and doesn’t seem like she is looking or any other sort of employment. Sometimes she helps me with things around the house and watches our daughter but I want her out. I feel guilty for feeling this way and sometimes justify her living with us by saying “well she does help sometimes”. I’ve complained to my husband multiple times but he refuses to address it. She had a pretty rough past and is doing better but she may not be the best influence for my kids to be around.
@Banjolilly1996
yes that sounds like a ticking time bomb .... have one of those in the extended family does just enough to be some help but not near enough to be even and always a reason the job search is not going well etc......it will end up causing a real rift in your relationship but sounds like she is accustomed to living this way it is kind of nice if someone else picks up her room and board. .... time is not on her side if she stretches out mooching harder to get a quality job and start over when you get older ...
It’s already caused some issues in our relationship. I don’t even want to come home most days because being their stresses me out. Plus my husband doesn’t understand pregnancy hormones.
@Banjolilly1996
enough to deal with without the added pregnancy hormones ..... i hope you get an resolution sooner then later
@Banjolilly1996
That sounds like a really difficult situation for everyone involved. I am wondering though, if she does not have a job, is she receiving any state assistance or benefits and if so it does not seem unreasonable to ask her to contribute to household finances.
It must also be difficult to plan ahead if you do not know how long she might be living with you. Are you able to have a sit down conversation with her and your husband to discuss your concerns? I appreciate this is easier said than done, but having had a difficult past myself I know that what I would have needed is compassion and a place to build myself up from, however I appreciate that you also need support and cannot be expected to “look after” her,
From an external perspective it seems like some of the emotions and thoughts you are having need to be put out in the open and clearly communicated to her but in a sensitive way (easier said than done) and from that point you might be in a better position to plan the next steps.
I would also be curious what your relationship with your own family is like and whether they could perhaps provide some much needed support rather than being in a position of taking as opposed to giving.
She receives food stamps and could receive help through a tribal association but needs a steady income and pass a background check in order to do so. I do need to speak up more with her and set boundaries. I hate confrontation so I let these feelings stew until I explode. My parents don’t really struggle but they don’t make a bunch of money either. Financially my husband are doing fine but it’s more so a privacy concern. I’m a very private person and get overstimulated with extra people in my house.
@Banjolilly1996 I wouldn’t be able to do it. And speaking as somebody with a prior felony, that’s no excuse for not being able to secure a job. Stand up for yourself and don’t allow anyone you don’t owe to walk all over you- If not for your sake, think of what you want your kids learning to be okay and what’s not.
I completely agree. I’m proud of her for turning her life around and trying to be a better person. But I have a hard time feeling bad for someone that doesn’t want to help themselves.
Hi Banjo: hubby needs to grow a pair and sit Mommy down and tell her how it is. "Mom, we appreciate your help, but you're making "Jane" uncomfortable. State gently the reasons why. Be civil, be firm. She needs to adhere to the rules. Tell her to pay up or tell her to buy her own food. Make it stick. Tell her, if she doesn't, she's out.
