My wife is cold, what can I do?

So here is my story, it may be long, for that I am sorry. I am 58, my wife just turned 51 in January. We started dating in 2015, she was affectionate, caring, loving and treated me as if I were her knight in shining armor. Almost immediately after we were married, the affection stopped, now I am an affectionate guy but I also like to be on the receiving end of the affection also. I can not talk to her about anything that pertains to relationship issues, every time I have tried, it just ended up in a fight. If I tell her I need to talk, she rolls her eyes and gets what I call irritated acting from the get go. I had pretty much given up on even trying to talk to her until this past Thursday evening, I was having a really bad day thinking back on how things used to be and it depressed me. That evening I guess she could tell something was bothering me and she asked what was wrong, I told her I would give anything if I could just have a conversation with her, her reply was uh huh as she turned the TV to one of the shows she likes. I am miserable because when I live, I love whole heartedly and I have to keep my love, feelings, wants and desires suppressed so I won't hurt too bad and this makes me unhappy because I want to give her my all. Communication is key to any relationship, what can I do to help her understand this to the point she will listen with an open mind and heart instead of being cold and closed off? I have more but I will just leave it at that for now.

I feel so sorry for you and I know how it feels!! Some people are just feeling less I feel, and they don't need the kind of talks us feeling people need. It is not necessarily her fault. But your needs are important. Let her know if she's not able and/or willing to meet you half way, you will have to leave. A successful relationship needs "matching" expectations -- if she can't meet your expectations, don't dwell because she may never change.

Well, a little disappointed in the "Help" on here. Thank you to the one who did reply.

@optimisticBranch7040

I'm so sorry to hear this. It sounds very familiar to me. My marriage recently ended after a total of twelve years together. We were good until COVID hit. Then my husband changed. He started acting a lot like your wife. After a lot of couples counseling, he ultimately decided that the rift that he thought had grown between us was too far gone and we were better off going our separate ways. The best advice I can offer is to seek counseling, if that's affordable for you. The best option is for the both of you to do it together. Had my husband and I started even six months before we actually did, I genuinely think the marriage could have been saved. If your wife isn't interested, at least try to go yourself and see if that will at least help you to process the situation in a healthy manner.

I don't the entirety of your situation and I'm quite a bit younger than you are, so our life experiences are different, but one thing that my own therapy made me aware of is that part of my need for attention from my partner was because I felt unfulfilled myself. Like I didn't have my own identity and wasn't happy with who I was or my place in life, so I probably came on a little too strong to my husband to compensate for that. But even if that's the case, and if it's the case for you, we still need our spouses to be affectionate and supportive to us. If your wife isn't being that towards you and she doesn't understand how cold and closed off she's being, and won't engage about the topic, I'm not sure what to do because I definitely didn't know what to do with my husband when we got to that point. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

The last thing I'll suggest, if you haven't already, is looking into your love languages. I remember hearing about The 5 Languages of Love when I was younger and thought it was nonsense. Then I learned about it in a communications class in college and again from my therapist and realized there's a lot to it. Some people need different kind of love and we don't always realize when our partner has different love values than we do. Even though my marriage couldn't be saved, it at least helped me realize what I need and value and where my husband was coming from.

I hope you're able to figure things out. Good luck.

Hi @optimisitvBranch7040,

I recommend trying couple's therapy first, and using I statements to shift the focus and not seem like you're blaming her. For example, ❝I feel unloved when I don't receive affectionate.❞ or ❝I feel unheard when [example]❞. You can also see what her love language is as well, and have her take the 5 Love Languages Quiz and try to find a compromise [if she's willing to communicate...]

If she refuses to go to couple's therapy, and the communication isn't working...Then you may have to give an ultimatum and tell her the relationship won't work for you...but ultimately, that is up to you.

I've only had one serious relationship that lasted for 3-4yrs, and that was with my alcoholic & abusive ex, who was my first everything and whom I had my first and only child with...we tried couple's counseling and it didn't work out. He also would stop being affectionate and punish me with it often, leaving me feeling unloved...

Now I'm courting my both of my brother's bestfriend, who they introduced me to to get over my ex, and he's been hot & cold with me. He'll be affectionate towards me, but does NOT allow me to initiate affection, telling me I make him "uncomfortable" ND that he has anxiety/insecurities, which is frustrating... I am naturally an affectionate and romantic person now...so I'll be having a talk. He wants to take it slow and be friends, so I'm trying to respect that, and I retract my affection, but then he gets sad and SUPER affectionate telling me he loves me and blah blah. Also, he'll flip flop into treating me like a friend and treating me like a girlfriend, but not wanting to "label" it, which confuses me and everyone, since everyone sees as as BF/GF...It's just a long story with this guy that I'm wondering if its really worth the heartache and headache...there's plenty of fish in the sea.

So I can relate to loving to be affectionate, but feeling like utter crap to not receive it back...

I think talking to Therapist can help alot. My husbsnd does not want to listen to me sometimes and I have become more aware that is OK. He does listen but can only so much. He is affectionate towards me.

Do you still love her enough to work through this? I still love my husband I am willing to compromise on him not maybe being a good listener at times. So I am working with my Therapist on my issues and learning snd growing as a person. We are both in our 60's and we have been married 12 years.

My therapist recommended the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gotten, PH.D which I found to be helpful.