Reconnecting with estranged family?
Does anyone here have experience with reconnecting with family you’ve been estranged from for a long time? Specifically where there was a history of abuse?
I am a mid-life aged adult and have not spoken to any of my family for many years. Originally I had separated from my parents because of ongoing abuse and denial, but the rest of my family decided to also estrange themselves because of my decision.
I can’t say I regret it, because there was safety and healing I hadn’t been able to attain until I left. Obviously it was hard in many ways, mainly the loneliness of seeing other families. I wouldn’t have had that even with my family, it was just a loss in general to grieve. Over the years I’ve considered reconnecting, wondering if they’ve changed, if I’d feel guilt if they passed, if it was morally right now that they’re getting older and they don’t know their grandchildren. I had always felt peace about continuing the separation.
Just recently it’s entered my mind again, and I’ve wondered if I actually desire to reconnect. I can’t tell you why or what’s changed. I have gone through a lot of changes in my life recently, and maybe part of me feels strong enough to try to see if I can have something with them. Maybe I’m just lonely and getting desperate. Part of me is not sure. I still have a lot of healing to do from various events in my life, not just my past with them. There’s the potential that this could really be bad for me if it doesn’t go well. I think what’s getting me is I don’t know for sure if I still feel at peace, if I may regret not trying if they pass, or what’s best for my kids. My kids are older now and don’t know any different. I am concerned for their safety but don’t want to do them harm by denying them extended family.
If anyone has been in this type of situation, I’d love to hear your perspective. Thank you. ❤️
I ve been near my family but dont feel home yet except events where everybody gets well dressed and good manners.. Maybe its life ... You miss them when they are gone..dont know yet. Still i told my son to select impact size and ways, get whats worth dont give importane to ***. All above is based on control and criticism not abuse, but when i wanted to recreate myself i used to meet them with clear focus on: Dont explain nothing to gain respect, dont expect validation, dont defend myself on anything and dont pretend from them to understand how i felt or feel, how i believe would have better position earliar in life if they did understand. Everytime i staryed to feel quicker heart beat or see them being uncomfortable for me i would leave not thinking about them but for me to protect my status quo. I would react in front of my son if my mom would insult me in front of him. Kids need models of how to stand for thyself, we lead by being inspiration protecting our state and kid's one
@OurTime3 Hi, thank you so much for writing. You’re right that we have to go in not expecting certain things. We have to take care of ourselves. It’s hard not receiving love and validation from them. It seems like we have to look at it like a different kind of relationship instead of the one we’ve always wanted and needed. And I’m definitely most concerned about what’s best for my kids.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
Hello, I am sorry for all that you have struggled with.
I just wanted to share the name of a book I recently read and recommend that you read it.
It is called "Rules of Estrangement" by Joshua Coleman.
@sabeyesofblue3535 Thank you ❤️ I just read some things on his website, and it sounds interesting. This is very timely too, because as it turns out I just received communication from a sibling who found me and wants the family to reconnect. I’m having a lot of emotions. The timing is hard too because of other recent events happening in my life. I want to make a good decision, not based on emotion.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
I found the book very insightful.
I wish you the best in whatever your decision.
Please feel free to message me if you would like to talk.
I was adopted at birth, and raised by my adoptive parents: an alcoholic father and narcissistic mother. I later reconnected with my biological family, both my father and mother’s side. My adopted mother was extremely psychologically abusive, to the point where I had to go no-contact with her for over a decade. I did reconnect and find a way to forgive her. Now I can love her again and often talk to her; but being hurt by those closest to us makes a wound that doesn’t easily heal.
I’m 39, I can understand your situation. I was involved in a fight with a bunch of my birth father’s family where my biological grandfather kicked me out of his house. That was the last time I really saw them or talked to any of them. All because I thought it was weird that they let their children drink alcohol. My birth-father still doesn’t talk to me, this happened seventeen years ago.
You didn’t make a bad decision. And if you feel like the time is right, I would suggest reaching out. Be sure to keep strong boundaries. And set limits to ensure what they did to harm you in the first place, doesn’t happen again. You’ll know pretty quickly if it’s going to be a positive relationship, if it’s not just move forward.
@RickestRick86 Hi Rick, thank you so much for sharing this with me. You have been through a tremendous amount. I commend you for being so brave to reconnect with all these people and give them grace. ❤️ I’m sorry that you have been hurt again in some instances. You sound like a very thoughtful and loving person.
Boundaries are a must, yes. I hope I can be strong enough to hold firm to them consistently.
I have to be honest, I signed in here tonight because I’ve been feeling terrified the last couple days over this. It feels so silly, I am much older than you and still feeling scared. I reconnected with them some time ago and it didn’t go well. The correspondence I got from my sibling this thing, I realized it was all about them and not a kind word or concern about how I’ve been, that they miss me, care about me, love for my kids, etc. Like it used to be, it was centered around what I owe them and what I’ve done. I was excited in a way at first to receive the note. Maybe because I never thought any of them would care enough to reach out. But now it seems like an attempt to get control or other things they want. I tried to imagine what reconnecting would look like long term. I don’t know what I’d get out of it. It might sound wrong, but I haven’t missed them, it’s been mostly relief. I can’t remember the last time I’ve even desired that family experience. I have my own family with my kids, and that has seemed to fill the void I had. There is part of me that does long for love and nurturing of a parent, but I feel the time may have passed where I would want it from them. I don’t view them in that capacity anymore. They were never able to give that kind of love. I think this letter may be a gift of closure for me, a confirmation that I can finally completely move on knowing that nothing has changed.