Struggling in the sea of void
I'm a teenager, living with someone who i believe is a malignant narcissistic mom. I just confronted her about her having a "personality disorder" and I requested her that I need to have mental diagnostic as I already have symptoms through other flare-up condition. However, she denied it by saying that I won't get a job if I was "poorly" diagnosed with any mental illness(It's a bit more complicated than that). So as an attempt to salvage my sanity, I'm trying to find out if I have anything wrong with myself and get my anxiety over with.
@secretOwl3726
Hello, and welcome to 7 Cups 😊
Even if a "personality disorder" was one of the nowadays's buzzwords, I think it's good that the public awareness of such issues has incredibly increased in recent years.
Reading your message, I think there might be two things overlapping: one being your mom's possible narcissistic personality disorder, and another being the way how you feel.
First of all, I think it's good to dispel one of the most common myths: no, you cannot get "infected" with a personality disorder by anyone from your school, work or family background.
But yes, if your life is dependent to someone with personality disorder issues, that can influence the way you have to behave and may become the source of your everyday struggle.
I believe there is nothing wrong in checking the reasons behind your troubles. And yes, you are right: is also worth to notice that "personality disorder" doesn't equal to "mental illness" and usually doesn't require either medication or social isolation. And it's not as much socially stigmatizing.
Also, I am aware of the fact that before we are formally diagnosed with any personality disorder—which means the problems are pervasive, not just temporary or connected with some particular circumstances—we are just "having some problems" or "living through some more difficult time of our lives".
If you would like to share some part of your story with us (like: what makes you think your mom is narcissistic? or: what do you think might be "wrong" about?), I am sure there are people here who could relate to that.
@jacek73Thank you for your reply, you really calmed me down. Yesterday I was in a spiral of anxiety so I really struggled to make sense of my thought.
My mum had a very very rough childhood in her family which through her stories, I believe that she was also once the victim as a scapegoat of a narcissistic dynamic family influenced by a patriarchal society which is the main contributor toward her flawed thinking. Moreover, her mother who has passed away a few years ago was clinically diagnosed with Schizophrenia was extremely abusive (mentally, verbally, physically and resourcefully) towards her especially. She toughed it out and developed her way of thinking to cope which result in a very distorted view of love, interrelationships and the social itself. So I eventually realized that it's not her fault, I'm just out of lucked, stucked in a paradoxical intergenerational trauma.
After her divorce with my father right after my birth, my mum deliberately isolated me from him. She felt a resentment especially despicable toward him whenever she talks about me and she mirrors all that hatred toward me as a child. I have faint memories from when I was 4-5 year old of her abusive behavior on me because of very trifling minor issues. Back when I was in elementary school, I had bullies by day, bully by night I really struggled to find in the slightest some love. It felt like I was in a hopeless, infinite, inescapable loop. She kept on yelling, beating, chasing, criticizing, guilt-tripping, gaslighting, threatening all that good stuff over and over with frequencies ranging from everyday to once every 4 days up until recently. Every time, it was so violent, so boisterous, so heart breaking, it makes me panic, it makes me scared, it makes me feel worthless and hopeless. Sometimes it gets so emotionally abusive that I start to have panic attacks, I had 5 so far ranging from elementary school to current high school period. And then I started to think that this is not normal, this is not how even "tough love" should look like, this is so "wrong". I also start to develop a tendency to be stuck in my own thought, one second she yelled this and the next, I have already forgotten everything. One time I was so frustrated that I came on the Internet like any other times but this time I came by a really relatable community on Reddit r/raisedbynarcissists then I researched, read articles and books, comparing behavior, and I just feel it's so so relatable, it radicalized a lot of my mom's behaviour. It feels like my life was being experienced over and over by other people.
Last week I contacted to my biological aunt abroad, she has been supporting both of us financially. I told her everything and the night after next, she immediately phoned my mum and talked things out. My aunt had to repeat over and over that my mom's way of teaching is wrong, it's deeply flawed but my mom just seems to be deafen. Instead of listening, she turned to blaming me, it's all my fault, it's my dad's fault, it's my grandfather's fault!? It went on like 3 hours like that, the day after she gave me the silent treatment... Until she go back to her old behavior again. This is where I start to ask her to allow me to visit a medical professional, however she deems it impossible currently as it may be written in my dossiers which leads to stigmatizing or inadmissibility.
I have been suffering from self-doubt, disassociation, lot's of stress and anxiety and that may have directly caused bruxism and chronic eczema. I feel like I've been through a lot and whenever I confess that, she pushes it aside "You are the luckiest child alive". I struggle to focus in my study and whenever I could, she was the one that pushed all my focus away. Spending a bit of time on the chatroom here on 7cup had given me a bit of peace in mind and I think that's the best thing I can do right now.
I deeply express my heartfelt gratitude for you who is reading my story, it's been something stuck and compounded in my heart since I was a little boy. I disclaim that English is not my first language, I might have made a lot of grammatical mistakes. Again, thank you so much for reading.
@secretOwl3726
Thank you for sharing your story.
I was not aware of the fact you were not a native English speaker (actually, the vocabulary you use is surprisingly sophisticated). Don't worry, English isn't my mother tongue too 😊
You know, it looks history repeats itself around the world. My mother's dad was a good heart, but also a hard-drinker and died prematurely when my mom was 10. Her mother had seven kids to care for and worked in an orphanage. Close to the end of her life she probably suffered from some type of schizophrenia. My mom's husband (also being my dad) used to be hard-drinking and abusive. She kept taking various pills (tranquilizers, antidepressants, anti-anxiety) for years to the point they made her ill. And guess what... all of her sons has been scapegoats to pay for everything all those terrible men (and women) of her life did.
This is the moment when you might start to think that your bosses at work or teachers at school are really kind and easygoing—while compared to your parents' dwarfish love and vastly overblown expectations.
But one day I started a therapy, became an adult person, and some time later on I moved out from the family house towards the growing independence, and my life began to look normal, as a matter of fact, more quickly than I could have expected.
I hope that one day the same happens to you 😊 Earlier than you may dream about it...
In the meantime I think it's good to gain in knowledge, and be aware of your emotional health and overall wellbeing—just as you do!
@jacek73
I have sympathy for you, I really do. Life is hard but sometimes we're birthed right into a hazard, it's no one's fault that things are like that way; but it's who we strive to be that matters, right? Sometimes I feel exhausted but I kept standing up. And at last, I'm still alive.
@secretOwl3726. @jacek73. I just read this and I think that you both write in great English! It’s probably better than mine and I’m a native speaker.
@adventurousBranch3786
TYSM! I'm flattered.
@secretOwl3726
I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with this, and you deserve to be treated with respect. However, there is a positive form of narcissism which is commonly known as "self-care, and self-love". Then there is a negative side of narcissism. Seems as if your mother is projecting onto you something that she has yet to do for herself, and that is something that you can not help her with only yourself. I do have a book here next to me with the different forms of narcissism, and ways to cope through it. The book is from amazon, but the author is called Linda Hill; title " Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency, and Complex PTSD" it's a 4-1 book with lots of helpful tools, and good scenarios.
@InsightfulPhoenix Thank you very much for your recommendation! I'll check it out.
Heya secret owl
I am so sorry to hear about your mom. My mom is also funny, she can call her workplace rival having NPD and all. But at home or whenever she's with me... Yea she's the one with that thing. I feel broken and I'm living in her shadows like the sun and the moon maybe. She blamed me for whatever idk. I don't even care if she started making nonsense like I started and responsible for world war 2.
But reading your story, u stood up and told her that, rather than a rat hiding in a sewer like me. U stood up and faced the problem and served the cold hard truth like a boss. Job is irrelevant unless ppl needed such health statement to apply for a job and the health statement got seriously taken care of and updated to be a valid reason. But what can we say, parents and their traditional world view, sometimes I cannot understand what is in their mind. So yep u r in great condition rebellious one hahahahaha. May your rebel be fruitful. But yea take care of yourself and don't overdo it. One step at a time, and chew no more than you can do.
@affectionateMoon0902 @jacek73
What I write below will be very disturbing.
I stood up to her many, many times in the past and that took me out of her grip; as a result, it made her frustrated. So guess what she did? She tried to take control over my life, my hobbies, my personal items, basically everything. And bash me whenever I don't take what she had laid out like how she wanted. She declared once loud and clear while s-t-r-ngling me: "Your being belong to me, everything is mine and mine only. You are nothing without my upbringing so you should be grateful and obey me. I have a killer's hand, I can kill whatever and whenever I want so you better not disobey." She, in fact, s-t-r-ngled me twice when I was still in middle school. The physical and verbal abuse has been going on a streak since I was a little child. And on "special occasions," she would trap me outside from night to morning sleeping with mosquitoes. I still remember her ice cold, ghost like silhouette silently peeping at me curled up like a cockroach behind those bars.
The reason I did not mention this is because I have lots and lots of memory gaps that my brain is trying to put away for my own sanity. I'm still trying to remember what despicable violation she did to an innocent and fragile child like me. The fact that I can explain all this in a single writing does not mean it didn't happen frequently; conversely, the opposite is true. As a matter of fact, she's back to her death wish yelling streak as I'm writing this.
When I contemplate this, it starts to sound a lot more like a sociopath—someone with absolutely no empathy. I think that would be a very fitting title for her. The more I think about it, the more frightened I am of how demon like she is. I just want to get away from her but it just seems impossible to enact without retaliatory.
@secretOwl3726
I am terribly sorry to hear about your situation.
I am afraid that your mother repeatedly attacking you physically and making death threats to you might deserve legal persecution and some actions by the authorities to protect you.
Do you have anybody locally (a therapist, a teacher, or an adult family member) whom you could trust with telling the truth about your situation and the dangers you have to face?
As far as I know antisocial personality disorder is very challenging even for experienced professionals. People who suffer from it might be just lacking some part of "emotional wiring" which is responsible for empathy and kindness.
But even if your mother is not aware of her worsening mental condition, I believe you shouldn't be a victim of her behaviours.
@jacek73
Yes I have tried to contact my dad but I have yet to receive a respond. I'm aware about this but I have a visa application, if it's only 1 more year I think I could hold onto it...
@secretOwl3726
Just to be clear: I believe that no one has the right to "own" you, be the owner of your life, or the owner of your success—that is your inalienable human right.
@affectionateMoon0902
Imo, I think you're doing the right thing- keeping yourself safe. That's precisely how you are supposed to treat narcissist, just be a ghost in their own house. Just remember, keep yourself safe!
