Holidays Permanently Ruined
I love my parents and they would take a bullet for me. But they have ruined my interest in visiting my hometown, especially for the holidays like what we just had. This even includes my mom’s side of the family who visits each year. It’s all my parents’ fault. Much of it is related to my dad and disputes my parents have over seeing/hosting in-laws. Dad has become more overbearing with planning things since 2020, when his mother died. That year he was mad that mom and I not wanting to see his family during the pandemic and the tense political situation that dad’s family was involved with at the time. In 2022, my dad was equally unpleasant to plan things with, although part of it was due to my cousin and his girlfriend being forceful about seeing my parents then. During both July 4th and Christmas in 2023, my maternal uncle made me nervousness with his obnoxious behavior while he was drunk, causing a long-term resentment on my end until the next year. In 2024, both of my parents made me unhappy. My mom accused me of disloyalty to my uncle, and then dad provided further criticism over my feelings during a long conversation that I started at a bad time for all of us. But we all apologized and it was fine. I expected zero problems for 2025 since it was one of the hardest years of my life and I took time off to see family for Christmas. But then dad blew up over their cat playing with the Christmas tree. I said something but then he started sulking in front of me. I told mom what happened, so dad realized he mess up and apologized. We had long conversations after that, but dad said he should have a right to say what he wants, and requested that I drop my boundaries in front of him, mistaking some of the rigid, emotional walls I had put up before with what I expressed at the time as healthy boundaries. He also kept pressuring me to talk even after I tried to leave the room. Mom called me selfish because of wanting to leave a day early because of this situation. We all made up after I cried heavily and forced a conversation, but the holidays are now something I will either have to endure, or make up an excuse to avoid my parents, even when my 94 year old grandmother lives in my hometown. She is really the reason my mom’s family still visits.
It doesn’t stop at Thanksgiving and Christmas. My dad has seemed unhappy most times when my mom’s family comes to visit. On the first day of a visit on the July 4th holiday last year, dad was sulky at first because of rapidly changing plans on behalf of my mom’s family.
I came home from the 2025 holidays wanting to hide from the world because I thought I am an ugly person because of my heavy emotions. I have always thought I have too many emotional needs, even when I can easily and safely turn to my friends and therapist for validation. But moments like this when my parents fail with validating me is part of the reason I avoid any and all romantic relationships because I know they will turn out just like how my parents treat me. It happened before with my first and only girlfriend.
Thankfully my mom has started giving me choices with the holidays. I stayed a much shorter duration this past year at Thanksgiving and Christmas. I also went to a concert instead of my hometown for Mother’s Day in 2024. I also don’t know if I’ve seen my parents every year for July 4th anyway. Not too much guilt there. But it doesn’t change the fact that my holidays are ruined. Even if I visit my hometown for any reason, I will start demanding absolute emotional perfection the way my parents have done for me. If not, I may try to keep my parents out of my life.
How do I cope with the fact that my holidays are ruined with no way out? When November and December come again, how should I set up boundaries or request different treatment from my parents?
@Sasquatch254
I would keep lines of communication open with your parents but if you don't want to go there on holidays, just be honest and accept the reactions that come 💚
Rigidity is a Rust of life.
Flexible and adjustable person live comfortable and easy life. As life don’t move like railway tracks, Whole life same tracks. Changes in life are essentials so rigid mindset remained problematic.
Be flexible and adjustable with life. Imposing and conditional life is not a life but a routine mechanical actions confused with emotions and sentiments.
Perhaps my out of the context revelations may be understood.
Best of luck
@Sasquatch254
How do you cope with holidays that feel emotionally unsafe? -> have your own holiday (different plan or place then them), paid your own holiday and you will be emotionally safe. problem solve.
How do you set boundaries with your parents in a healthier, sustainable way before the next holiday season? -> this second questions is a bit tricky, because usually parents doesn't want to say it upfront and doesn't want to really admit what they really expect and wish from you.
Well, my best advice is when you can't figure it out what they want or what they expect then at-least ask them what are the rules in details and choose to follow it or if you think it was too much you can choose not to have holiday or pay your own holiday with a different plan and places.
This way will reduce the friction and tension cause you ain't meeting each other and can't anything being dependant or being seen, reducing the asumption, ect.
Thanks @Amanda84 It’s wonderful to hear from you and thank you for helping me know that honesty is valued and I’m not responsible for people’s feelings!
@SlappyMcGee Thanks for sharing your advice! Reframing sounds like something my therapist would say, and I enjoy seeing him. Reframing also helped recently with knowing how to still care for a friend that I discussed in a different post here. My parents and I have agreed to keep more of a distance, so I’ve been happier lately anyway. Thankfully I have close friends, which I actually spent Christmas Eve morning this year fishing with him. It’s too bad that I’m an unlovable person to women anyhow, or I would have otherwise had a family of my own already.
Hi @cosiderateChestnut4179 thanks for sharing your piece too. That is a neat take on rigidity, which it seems like everyone has dealt with before, including myself.
Thanks @organticUnicorn9398 for your input! It’s nice that you and everyone else so far have helped address my concerns directly, where in person connections and other forums have failed. It’s been wonderful over the last few months to find a chosen family in person and on sites like this. I bet this will help with holidays later this year too.
I agree with this too. I have to actively tell myself that someone cares about me in order for me to have a relationship with them. A lot of the times, I feel like my boyfriend and I are in a constant push pull because he tries to care about me but then he shut down to the point where it makes me feel like he doesn’t care which then makes me feel unloveable. He hasn’t text me since late last night when I was looking for him and I fussed over everything so now I know he’s being avoidant, but it makes me feel unloveable because why do you not want to open up/spend extra time and that’s a concern for me. I’m trying not to be a debby downer or wear my depression as my identity but it’s hard when regularly you deal with life throwing obstacles.
I do agree that reframing is important. I’m going to keep trying to look at things from a different point of view, it’s just hard when someone doesn’t open up and they go through moments of being avoidant which makes you question the whole relationship.
@sonnieeee
Extremely relatable. I really feel like it's people like yourself Slappy, Amanda84, and others that have made this 7Cups experience worthwhile. I really hear other stories related to mental health and I have more of an interest in helping others than I did when I was struggling with my time. At the same time there is a level of encouragement with every post, no matter how good or bad people's experiences are.
@Sasquatch254 u went through so much dear I hope things becomes better overtime and u will be able to enjoy again
@hardworkingGrapefruit8008 Thank you for this encouragement! 7Cups is giving me new hope with times like the holidays.
@CalmRosebud
Wow this is wonderful. Thank you for sharing this insight with me. I wish that I was able to express the part about boundaries to both of my parents like this at the time but more recently things were too heated and I started shutting down. I'm sure there will be better opportunities to explain what I've meant over subjects like boundaries and emotions. However, I also feel freedom now since I've stopped telling my parents everything, especially over things like technology/social media, minor work stressors, and specific emotions that affect my generation more than jaded retired doctors like themselves. I'll be 31 on Sunday and it's long been due for me to reach this point. In December, my mom and I agreed that we don't need to talk everyday anymore, and I've seen so many benefits. But eventually I will need to talk to my parents again about how the holidays went and invite them to see my therapist. There are no guarantees over how that will go, but my mom told me she is ok with the thought of therapist sessions and holding my parents accountable even before I said anything.
I think my parents have given me grace every now and then about expectations over holidays of any kind. A couple of years we have been unable to do Thanksgivings in my hometown. I have been unable to visit my parents every year for July 4th, even though the day before is my grandma's birthday. Now that some of these new dynamics are in place to allow freedom, I hope it stays that way even though I will need to communicate with my parents about the holidays and my time away from work.
I’m struggling with how I relate to holidays too. I’m in a relationship with a partner who doesn’t have a car and has to rely on his family but his family treats him horribly so most of the time I don’t really see him except for once a week and then when the holidays come around it seems like he’s always tied up with family things that they want to do — almost as if they don’t even want him in a relationship which makes me hate every holiday. I tried to be with him yesterday on Valentine’s Day and it just didn’t work out which left me feeling so ***, mad, and crying. Today, I decided that I don’t want to celebrate holidays because I don’t want to be around alcohol, I was drinking tequila all last night and now today I’m just an emotional mess.
Over Christmas, I was with my close friend and mom’s side of the family and that felt good instead of trying to be at my mom’s house. It feels like my holidays are better when I only focus on myself or people I do feel like I have decent relationships with. I’m trying to take the pressure of performing/showing up off of myself but it’s difficult when my whooooooole life I was taught that the holidays matter, lately I’ve been feeling worst on them than I would a normal day.
I know I’m having a bad morning today but I’m hoping that I can feel better later. I’ve been crying for three days straight, and I feel bad for putting pressure on my boyfriend it’s just hard when social media makes a lot of comments on relationships and the holidays. It was a lot of Valentine’s Day memes and gifs, it made me feel like I should just be with him and I know he wanted to as well but the circumstances are difficult. Like I’m really depressed that I haven’t been able to spend a single holiday with him, not even his birthday because he was depressed.
@sonnieeee
Thank you for sharing your story. You are definitely not alone, and your story proves that to me also. Your feelings are so valid and welcome with me. Don't let anybody else tell you otherwise. It's ok that you want to help your partner, but it's ok and even healthy to put your own needs first. If that even involves changing how you help your partner, or finding another relationship, these approaches are valid too. I have used alcohol also to deal with those aforementioned holidays. From personal experience, this will only prevent you from accepting your feelings rather than seek help either for yourself or seeking others for help. Let me tell you again, your feelings are valid!
I hope you have felt better even since this original post. Please don't feel an obligation to do social media of any kind if it makes you feel inadequate, especially if it turns into a dating/marriage/family feed. I only use social media to view specific profiles and wish people happy birthday. That's it. I've largely avoided it because I have this same insecurity too which @SlappyMcGee is helping me with also. This has been a big step in helping myself practice self-love and remembering that life doesn't have to follow a rigid, linear path that includes happy couples.
Also, last year was the first year that I stopped caring to spend Christmas or Thanksgiving at my mom’s house. I felt better for saying that I just wanted to be home because I’m tired of performative relationships that don’t feel deep, they feel surface so standing up for myself felt really good. I also notice lately that because I no longer crave surface interactions my mental health has improved, I haven’t been allowing people to make me feel obligation and making decisions for myself has been freeing because it would have been much more harmful to go to my mom’s, been treated funny, and then came home. It’s okay to self protect.
@sonnieeee
Thank you for sharing your story with this too. You did beautifully describing relationships that are "performative", as it seems like that's what I've seen for myself. Other family members don't expect that, but my parents have done that before. I know my folks don't mean malice, but they're presenting a biased view of emotions that I no longer relate to. That's why I've been happier lately when I've seen extended family members and don't include my parents.
Good job with all of your efforts to avoid superficial relationships. I have done this too. I'm probably speaking from my experience, but I don't like large, social groups. I've found that it's wasted effort to pour my heart out to people who won't give me the time of day outside these circles. I'm into supporting specific people now, which is wonderful. I may revisit groups (MH, hobbies, etc) if I'm ready after recovering from 2025 and recent allergies and sleeplessness. But I don't feel that it's necessary right away, and neither should you.
@Sasquatch254
I actually...face a similar thing you know. Like really similar. Dont wanna elaborate, but right now...my arents have been fighting over since my birth...both of them are like yours... call me rude for boundaries...and now... They never talk to me either... I just stay in my computer/study room all the time... Point is... I think parents should realise how much they actually...hurt their children. Honestly, I am 15... and even if I am happy cuz of an event in school or for high marks, they..pretend like they are happy (I can see thru them) and say something sarcastic, which hurt me... yeah. So you aren't alone.
@Dharshini123
Thank you so much for reaching out! You don’t deserve to be put into that situation with your parents. What you need is to put your needs first and take all of this as a sign that you need room to grow as an individual. I’m proud of you that you’ve made accomplishments at school that make you happy, which don’t always need parents’ approval. I’m even more proud of you for being 15 and sharing this insight!