Am I right to end this friendship or am I being mean?
Me and my old friend (casual friends since middle school, now close to 30) have grown apart, but she doesn't see this (I think?) and wants to continue the friendship. I have resorted to ghosting her multiple times over the past several years to see if the friendship would die a natural death, but she keeps texting me and it is makes me feel like the worst person. I cave and hang out with her and then always come away feeling worse because the hangout is always really strained and painful for me. And we always run out of things to say and she leaves promptly, but she keeps wanting to hang out again. This is really stressful for me. I don't know what to do because I've been wanting to end this relationship for years now.
Context: We were partners on the tennis team through middle school and the first year of high school. We were part of the same friend group and we went to each other's birthday parties and parties held by other friends in the group. We hung out on weekends and did ski club together. We went to the same country club and our parents are friends. When I moved states during high school, I drew a goodbye picture for her and made sure to call her every Friday. But, I ended up contacting her less and less over the years and growing much closer to several other girls that are still my best friends to this day.
When I had to go in-patient for anorexia during college, she wrote me letters of support. We hung out after the treatment was over. We made a tradition of celebrating New Years together. I invited her to my birthdays. When she was having major trouble at her job, I made sure to have dinner with her weekly so that she could vent to me.
But, I already felt like there was a growing distance between us. I'm queer and liberal and she's catholic and conservative. I feel like I need to censor myself when I'm with her. I've struggled and am still struggling with diagnosed mental disorders and she has never experienced that. I try to keep the conversations away from things I know she will not understand. I'm a creative person and she is...not. She is not interested in my art teaching job and I am not interested in her tax accountant job.
When we hang out now (usually once every month or two), it is just a surface-level game of catch up and gossip that never makes me feel good in the end. There are minefields of conversational topics I have to be mindful of (politics/disability/mental health/queer stuff/creative ideas/philosophy/fictional media) and because of that, I can never freely talk about the things I want to talk about. And she keeps insisting we meet up over a meal where the only thing we CAN do is talk.
I think she would be fine as a tennis only friend at this point, but she keeps pushing for talking-focused instead of activity-focused hangouts.
My job is killing me, I'm trapped in a triggering home environment, I'm trying all these meds, I'm in intensive therapy, and I'm trying not to seriously harm myself on a daily basis. I do not have the strength to add an additional source of guilt/stress into my life.
I feel horrible, like I'm trying to choke a baby to death, but the baby keeps on living and smiling at me, unaware of my nasty intentions.
When I've tried to talk about me wanting to end this friendship to my family or my other friends, they've all immediately turned on me and told me to stop being so mean. That this girl is a good person and not every friend can be a 'best' friend and that I need all the support I can get.
I feel like a terrible person, putting on a fake smile and pretending like everything is fine whenever we hang out when all I feel on the inside is dread and sadness and animosity and self-loathing. I cannot deal with this anymore and I do not know what to do.
I've been ignoring a text to hang out for several months and now she ran into my mom at the grocery store and she has texted me again to hang out.
I drank and SHed yet again yesterday and I'm in a depressive slump yet again today and adding this on top of everything else I'm dealing with is making me want to throw up, I physically cannot handle this.
@determinedSea4370
I think it all revolves around a question what friendship really is.
Once I had had some doubts if, as a divorced man leading a single live, I should try to make friends with a guy who is happily married. My concern was if what I was saying to him wouldn't be "too demoralising to him". But when I asked my therapist about it, he just exclaimed: "Why not?".
Is friendship only like "we are wearing the same blouses and skirts"? Or is it about looking for some difference, to make us richer and going out of our comfort zones? As if my friend was someone I would never gonna be, or I would never have the courage to try.
Once I was on friendly terms with a guy who declared himself as a Jehovah Witness. And I am a non-religious person. But we still shared some core values, I was interested to hear about his life experience and we was interested to hear mine.
But it all came to an end when it stopped to be person-to-person, and started to be "I wanna make you a person you _should_ be", with third party people remotely involved.
From my experience it can also be like keeping a positive connection between a guy who can afford a holiday trip to Rome and a guy who hardly makes both ends meet.
When you are trying to make friends with a person of the opposite sex, someone who could be your daughter or your dad, or when a heterosexual man makes friends with a homosexual man - then you may enter some uncharted territory.
Is it all about mutual support? Yes, I think.
But what makes a difference between a friendship and a small talk? I believe the factor is being authentic. Not acting. Not faking it. Being open, polite and kind but not "just trying to be nice". Showing your true self.
Saying that I don't necessarily mean a coming out with a loud bang. But revealing my secrets step-by-step, and not necessarily all of them.
Has your friend ever been curious to see some of your art?
What would be her reaction if you mentioned that you were not very familiar or not very interested in accounting?
Does this girl know about your SH attempts?
Knowing some truths about us, would the person just run away, or is she or he our real friend?
Well. I feel very related to this. Not exact situation but I understand the feeling wanting to end something so badly. Like our mind and soul are not there anymore. Its not about I hate you or I dont like you, but I cant stay. I dont know how to stay. I dont want to stay. I’m not sure if she really know whats going on with you, if you’ve ever tell her the most deepest thing whats happening to you. But you are too close to her. Not just the relationship, but the family, the partnership in tennis, the surrounding connection. Its hard I know. Very hard. And for me if I heard that, I assume she should be very thoughtful about your state. Like maybe give you some space. Even if you hangout once a while, there should be something that both of you can converse other than those topics which are not compatible. You can vent to her, and she can vent to you but I am sure it will collided into something worst because the acceptance and comprehension arent there. I always ask myself too am I a bad person, pushing people away, shut them down when I started guarding myself again and built the walls up. So are we bad? For now wanting something or someone anymore. It drained us.