Hi, I would like to talk about my relationship with the father of my daughter and how to set boundaries with him.
Deep down I know he is not the right person for me. I know he is not the love of my life and I honestly don’t see him as my future husband. But we have a very long and complicated history.
We were together for three years and during that time many girls contacted me with messages like “you don’t know me but I know you,” implying he was involved with them. Later I got pregnant and went through most of the pregnancy alone. During my pregnancy and after our baby was born, he was seeing another woman. She knew about me, but he somehow manipulated her into believing he was not with me, even though I was pregnant with his child.
I found out about that relationship when my daughter was eight months old and we broke up. After that he continued seeing that woman, and I later found out he was also seeing another girl at the same time, cheating on both of them.
Meanwhile I stayed focused on my daughter, but the pain of the infidelity, raising my child mostly alone, and feeling abandoned affected me a lot.
Eventually he ended things with the woman he cheated on me with and stayed with another girlfriend. Last year he got that girlfriend pregnant. However, during all that time he kept telling me that he loved me, that he was not with her, and that he didn’t love her. At one point, believing he was single, we saw each other again once.
Later I found out she was pregnant, and he still insisted he was not with her. After that we did not see each other again except for things related to our daughter.
Their baby was born. He promised me many things and said he wanted to try again with me. He even used the argument that “our daughter deserves her parents together.” I do want the best for my daughter, so I considered trying to talk and maybe rebuild something.
He spent December with us. But in January he went back to live in the town where this woman lives with their baby. His family has a company there and he works with them, so he moved there saying it was for work and that he had nowhere else to live.
He keeps telling me that he is not with her, that he doesn’t love her, and that they don’t even share a space. But honestly I feel that is not true. I don’t have proof, but my intuition and everything I see makes me feel like he is lying.
For example, she posted a photo of flowers around Valentine’s Day with a message like “my happiness is you, I love waking up next to you.” I strongly believe that was from him.
When he visited recently and I confronted him, he told me I was wrong, that I was being jealous and toxic, and that I should go to therapy. But I don’t feel crazy for thinking this way given our history.
The truth is that I don’t even know how to approach this situation anymore. Sometimes it takes away my peace, and sometimes I feel like I don’t care at all. I tried to give this another chance mainly because of our daughter, but I also know everything he has done in the past and I can’t forget it.
What I want help with is understanding how to set boundaries with him and emotionally detach, because deep down I know he is not the person for me.
@scarletApple3048. That sounds like such a painful and complicated situation. It seems like you’ve been carrying a lot for a long time, dealing with the hurt from the infidelity, raising your daughter mostly on your own, and also trying to figure out what role he should have in your life now. Anyone in that position might feel confused or emotionally drained.
I’m hearing that part of you already knows he may not be the right partner for you, but at the same time your shared history and your daughter make things feel much more complicated. It also sounds like the mixed messages he gives, saying he loves you while you feel he may not be honest about his situation, makes it hard to trust what’s real.
Wanting peace and emotional distance makes a lot of sense after everything you’ve been through. What do you feel affects your peace the most when it comes to interactions with him?
And when you imagine having clearer boundaries with him, what might that look like for you right now?
@plushPalm8583 Honestly, I think what affects me the most is the feeling that he knows exactly what he is doing. That’s how bad people act. And not only that, he is playing with two people who both want a united family. I haven’t had the chance to talk with the other woman, but it’s clear she wants her family with her daughter and the father.
I think the fact that he plays with something like that makes me very angry. It makes me feel like he is making a fool out of me and disrespecting me again.
When I think about boundaries, I feel like he could be the kind of person who knows that my weak point is my daughter and might try to use that against me, or make demands involving her, even though he knows I have everything needed for her to stay with me. I’m not sure, but that thought worries me.
It sounds like you’re feeling really hurt and angry about the way things have played out. Feeling like someone might be making a fool out of you or disrespecting you again can be incredibly frustrating, especially when there’s already been so much history and broken trust.
I’m also hearing that part of what worries you is the possibility that he might use your daughter , or your love for her , as a way to pressure you or push your boundaries. That sounds like a really heavy thing to carry, and it makes sense that the thought of that would make you feel uneasy.
When those worries come up, what usually helps you feel a little more grounded or in control of the situation? And when you think about protecting your peace and your relationship with your daughter, what feels most important to you right now?
@scarletApple3048
Knowing he is not the one is a solid start. Sometimes we have relationships with people who are Not who we see ourselves with long term. Even if you thought at one time, he was the one.
It is not worth it to stay just for your daughter. Not knowing she has a half sibling or more out there. Since you have done most of the parenting so far what would be the change.
Want inspiration? Imagine as your daughter grows and finds out how you were treated and he is a liar and came and went in her life. would you like her in same spot or would you like to show you are strong and created you life for the better. maybe a new partner could step up and be the dad she deserves. family is not just blood, but a person who would be a good role model and supportive.
@scarletApple3048
Hey Scarlet,
It sounds to me like you are stuck in an abuse cycle. The fact that he has cheated on you multiple times, lies, gaslights then keeps coming back to you and lovebombing to temporarily get back in your good graces reeks of a narcissist to me.
It is tough given your daughter; I assume he has some level of joint custody or visitation rights? If so your best move would be to find a good boyfriend and lock him out of coming back around and emotionally manipulating you. You deserve to have a good life for you and your daughter, not just as a toy for this jerk to leave and come back to when he gets tired of manipulating other women.
Just my off the cuff .02, I get every situation is complicated but if this guy is cheating on you like that and disappearing when you need help he doesn’t sound worthy of your trust or commitment imo
He sounds like a manipulative man who will say anything to control women. He definitely has his issues, which sadly will probably never change. It sounds like every thing he says is a lie, and I would not believe a word he says (in my opinion). I just want you to hear, you don’t deserve this. You deserve someone who truly knows your worth, respects you, and cares deeply for you. And I’m guessing deep down you know that. I hope you can get some clarity about the situation and can separate yourself from him. At least not be in a relationship with him anymore. I don’t believe he’s a good human to be around and you deserve kindness and respect.
I’m really sorry you’re going through a painful time. Heartbreak can feel overwhelming, and sometimes it helps to talk with someone who listens without judgment.
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@scarletApple3048
Girl I'd like to say one thing divorce this guy he doesn't deserve you and your daughter deserves a better life like leave him I know its hard everything but you gotta do this for your daughter
I’m going to be honest: whatever he says or does, I assume it’s a lie. I agree with what some of you said about not staying just because of the children.
I’m not exactly sure how to confront him about this, because he would clearly deny everything and I don’t really have proof. The only things I see are the things he shares on ***, and that sounds extremely crazy or paranoid, haha.
In any case, I don’t live with him every day. He actually lives there with her, and honestly I prefer that he stays there.
Do you think it would be reasonable to just wait for a while? Right now I’m more focused on my family and my work. The situation does bother me sometimes, yes, but I also have more important things to focus on.
I don’t want to sound silly, but please tell me honestly what you think, haha. Thank you for your messages and your support ❤️🤞🏻