Alone on Birthday

Howdy, it's Imp.

It's my bday today and I'm spending it by doing errands, filing out legal paperwork for custody, and well, being alone lol.

I feel really weird today.

To be honest, the past couple of years, before when I was child free and single, I spent my birthdays alone drinking and taking myself out to eat. I didnt celebrate it anymore when I was a kid/teen...

Then a few years back when I was with my abusive [alcoholic] ex, he'd being my roses and food/favourite snacks.

This is the first time in years again that I'm alone, but I don't really drink anymore... I used to drink heavy [before having s child], and now I don't care, especially having a kid.

I recently cut off some toxic people in my life and have been taking a Social Break from others.. I'll link that post in a comment for those curious. Basically, the social break was me wanting to spend 2 weeks way from the online world and from people I know and invest time in both my son and myself.

I had some "friends" that used me for car rides, free meals, entertainment etc...then i had some that say "I'll be here for you, anytime!" And they either ghosted me and come back at random times or as soon as they say that, and i make a request they say, "sorry, can't. I'm busy". I hardly ask for help...so it takes a LOT out of me.

The guy I was seeing had been ignoring me for a while, on and off with contact for several weeks, then come to find out he was seeing someone [we're NOT exclusive, so that's fine], but I'm upset because he could've just said that LOL. I would've told him, "That's okay, go for it!" Instead of cutting him off for using me whenever he's broke, bored, or wants to party. I paid for his rent, and i even helped pay for like a week's worth of rooming for a motel when he was bout to go homeless. He declared his love for me twice...while inebriated tho... and doesn't want me to leave regardless of if we became an item or not. Then when he FINALLY told me about the lady when he invited me to his workplace, I told him good luck and enjoy his time with her. I said he hadn't communicated with me in a while and that I'll leave him be. The guy said the same thing again about wanting me in his life, and that he supposedly thinks about me often[but never communicated with me for SEVERAL weeks/month??] and how the relationship with her "isn't serious". When we met, he said he didn't want to be fuck buddies, so he became my cuddle buddy[that's what HE wanted, I tried to be respectful, but he's so fucking confusing, he'll say he wants affection, then the next thing you know, he says stop. So i just stop even bothering, until he gets sad at me not being affectionate? TF you want???], yet he's "not in a serious relationship" with her? LOL

I cut him off. Because you DON'T just use people when you're broke or bored and throw them aside, and ONLY talk to them when you need or want something. I sent him a LONG farewell text, because he never answers calls, and I hardly see him..unless he's out drunk partying or at work [he always wants me to come to work, but that's shittiest place to have that type of conversation, just like the last one]. I feel kinda angry again even typing this shit. I feel a bit of resentment towards him if anything, and like i wasted nearly A YEAR with him...Sure, he reciprocated a few times, helped me with son, helped pay for my stuff...but everytime we hung out, it was 99% on his terms, and i compromised a lot. I'm never doing that again for someone. I already did that with my abusive ex, then this guy, I need to stop and respect myself more.

So... Anyways...

I took the day off today! And I'm trying to figure out what to do [besides errands]. I wanted to celebrate at night and do some fun stuff, but alas, i need to find a babysitter...but that's OK. I'll spend time with son. I made a new friend at work, and i like her a lot. She makes my day better... I'm still nervous though that i might fuck up our friendship somehow. We were going to hangout soon, but both been caught up with life... unfortunately. :(

I hope everyone is having a good day today! I'm trying to lol. I might go take myself out to eat or watch a movie... Maybe go to the mountains alone and enjoy nature. Idk yet.