Be Honest 💕

@Amanda84 Ehh, well..

i feel like i keep hearing the voice of everyone who has hurt me on all levels. Telling me im too muhc, telling me im a bad person for stuff that i didnt even do or for stuff thats not actually harmful, this toxic shame keeps lingering these other crisis thoughts are still sitting there, even in a small percentage. Feel like idek who i am. I just feel like im in a dream, and all i feel are emotions. THen i regret expressing this becus i feel like im only being negative and its not that bad. but it is , it is this bad. Im not sure whats right or not, idk if im in a world that is seriously negative dominant (maybe not), im not sure if its just the state, im not sure if its just the home, im not sure what it is but i dont feel awake. I feel like im in true survival. and im overworked by it. to the point of just feeling numb. im not sure of anything atp, i used to know and believe i was resilent, i probably still am but i dont pay attention to it as much and forget that i am probably resilient. deep in my soul i know i need reassurance/encouragement but i hide it and act like i can do that for myself and that be enough even tho thats not the case. Gosh most of these feelings are exactly how i felt as a kid. for some reason i feel very low of myself, very vulnerable, pretty rude to myself like my peers did me, and i feel trapped like i cant leave, its scary inside and outside. (sorta)That critizing voice feels so true it feels like a safe person might help with it but i hesitate either becus im worried ill be too much or ill get dissapointed and realize again that im better to get support from myself..which id rather have support from me and a community that cares about me, or atleast 1 safe person, cant manage everything alone it will always end in exhaustion and hurt. Ive also noticed old habits resurface and comparisons which just entrap me even more in these feelings. I know in my soul i need kindness, a hug and warmth and a safe person yet it feels like everyone either tries to mimic it instead of the real thing, or i try and mimic it instead of the real thing, heck ive even been ignoring whats hurtful which is not me, i usually face things head on, im just exhausted and feel alone and unwanted, i probably am wanted but i wont lie i do wish someone would treat me like im wanted and tell me im wanted and mean it fully.