Brain Dump Challenge
This will be super healing and cathartic for all of you <3
Challenge: Brain dump everything you’re struggling with. Either here, or in a separate post (and let us know when you post it). Let it all out. Write it in prose, or poetry, or just random words strung together. It doesn’t have to be pretty, it doesn’t have to have correct punctuation or grammar or capitalization. It just needs to be your soul on paper… Your emotions and thoughts, your pain and struggles and yearning and loss, all written out. It loses its power once it’s shared. We’re family here; you’re safe here. Share it all, and feel safe in the knowledge that we will cradle your pain in our hearts and cry with you, and we will gather around you and show you love that surpasses any language or tongue. <3
I will add a taglist, but this challenge is open to absolutely everyone, new or old. <3 Feel free to tag people if you’d like <3
Here I am reading everything I have the attention for when I am supposed to be getting off the couch and getting chores done. My toddler is taking a nap. This is the only time I have to focus on getting stuff done.
Some things I struggle with, besides the classic inattentive-type ADHD symptoms: I grew up with a harsh disciplinarian mom and step-dad, and as a result I'm fearful of failure, I feel intense shame when I make mistakes, or when I upset or irritate people I love, and I feel like I don't deserve nice things. Sometimes I even hate myself. I'm afraid of people when they are angry in general, even if they are not angry with me. It really would have been great if my family had a therapist for me and my siblings to talk to. I'm pretty sure we all have ADHD, but 3 of the 4 of us were only recently diagnosed as adults, and the 4th one is functioning well and has never been diagnosed. The funny thing is that I keep a positive outlook on life, and I almost always have. As a kid I had this blind optimism that everything would be ok. I became a Christian as a young adult, so it's no longer blind faith that things will be ok, but an unwavering trust in someone who is always with me and who has never failed. But still, I struggle with my own brain. Thankfully I'm getting better at recognizing lies that I tell myself when I'm down.
And now that I have dumped out these thoughts, I will gently lift my cat off my lap and go move the laundry and wash the dishes.
@jesusredeemedme2425 Okay. I'm gonna have to go slow with this, but I have to get all of this out, so please bare with me. (For further warnings, I'm about to talk about potentially disturbing topics).
1. I almost drowned in a pool yesterday (Moreso aquatic distress, the stage BEFORE actively drowning), and ever since then, it's scared me more than half the time lately, and I'm trying to find ways to cope with the event... and talk about it, as well. I can actively remember the event very well, and how I was worried sick about my health afterwards. As much as I've gathered, and after I've already gotten examined by a doctor... I should be fine. But... I've had traumatizing events like that before happen to me, AND happen to a late friend of mine.
What happened as much as I can recall right now is, I was swimming with a partner of mine, and I suggested we did a race to see who would swim faster to the other end of the pool. I already kept in mind to be extra careful by holding on to the ledge, except I wasn't expecting my partner to attempt a dive to get to the other end faster, especially as they did it, I was pushed far from where I was. I went from the safer side, to the deeper end, where the pool floor was pretty low. I attempted to head back to the surface, except... that's when I realized I couldn't stay afloat. I started letting out some of the most panicked, traumatic sounds I ever made in my life. I flailed my arms violently, tried to keep my legs from sinking down (I was being weighed down with the following uncontrollable spasms I started having) and, what made it worse was that the pressure of their dive, pushed me incredibly far away too. I remember being deeply terrified whilst trying to raise my head above the water at least, to catch some air. My partner spotted this, and IMMEDIATELY (they're a good partner) rushed over to save me ASAP, it took about almost 8 seconds or maybe longer, but I eventually made it back to standing above the water, with them holding me upright, making sure I was out of the pool as quickly as possible. If it weren't for them I would NOT be here right now, and that thought most certainly scares me, but not as much as it would if everyone close to me found out shortly after. My partner ever since has been dealing with a massive amount of guilt after what happened, even as I reassured them that I forgave them entirely and that it was an accident, they've been taking hard on themselves. I call them my hero for a reason, after all, as they did rescue me as fast as possible.
1b. I was at the beach with my mother many years back, swimming in the water (at a safe level). Some girl, whom I never met or have really spoken to, suddenly swam close to me, and ATTEMPTED to drown me by pulling me under. That event scared me into wanting back on the surface the immediate I was rescued from that. I've heard some details since, but those haven't been fully confirmed OR denied.
1c. (Major TW here.) A late friend of mine whom I'm not naming, was dealing with a mental health crisis (if that's the respectful way of putting it, I'm trying not to contribute to any mental health stigmas.) as well as being bullied, AND harassed online. All of this combined with him suffering a battle I also happened to have some awareness of. I tried reaching out to him via messages, but only a few of them really made it through before... he jumped off a bridge as revealed later when they retrieved what was left of him 6 days after he did.
I remembered both events as I almost experienced my own form of drowning, and it probably scared me just as much as it would with not just my own life, but how quick anything can change in just a short amount of time. I knew this was already true, but to experience it in a NEW form, from something I had minimal familiarity with (because 1b's event was rather quick as I was saved fast.) is something I'm still processing deeply.
2. That being said, medical gaslighting in somewhat in conjunction to what I previously spoke about, but that's been scaring me, and HAS been deeply on my mind. I've been through it with not mainly doctors, but my own parents, who called me many names, like... hypochondriac! Or worse, but I won't list them (unless asked). My point being, I did finally find a good doctor (so far) that's believed every word, and ran tests for me to find out I was 100% right, that something was wrong. but my parents made sure I had doctors who refused to run tests (even as a child) to my newfound concerns at the time. For example, I addressed back pain to my parents, to which the both of them either said it was psychiatric, "all in my head", or that I was simply "fat". Long story short after 10 years and longer, and finally getting secret tests run by a doctor lead me to getting a diagnosis, where it confirmed several suspicions I had. All of them, and not one was wrong. It was horrible to think I didn't get any help for that long, but these weren't isolated cases sadly, as even when I'm an adult, actual symptoms of health issues can SOMETIMES be seen as purely "anxiety", and whilst I did suffer from that AND PTSD primarily, I was able to tell the clear difference and was sure it hadn't been anything psychiatric.
I have upcoming issues to worry about, and the thought of being dismissed again is... probably the worst thing that could happen, so that fear is technically there alongside my newfound fear after yesterday. Other than that, I think that's all I'm able to get out right now. If anyone was reading this far, thank you so much. 😊
I am so sorry :’( How are you feeling now? Are you resting ok? Reading a lot and breathing? That’s gotta be so scary :(
Medical stuff isn’t fun. I tried to get diagnosed with autism, but they wouldn’t diagnose me with it. It bothers me, but I know what I have, and I can’t let it get me down.
Please… Keep posting. Keep sharing <3 Either here, or in separate posts. We’re here for you, and we love you <3
Also, I love your profile! I think you love ramen, am I right? ;)
@jesusredeemedme2425 I just saw this, sorry! Yes, Yes I very much love my ramen! 😁
@jesusredeemedme2425 I'm needing something new to read and digest mentally personally, and I'm breathing as well as my stress lets me. 😔 I know talking can help, but I'm not much a talker to begin with, let alone the fact I sat alone at school years ago as a kid. Just having to be verbal alone is distressing. Even with my previous efforts, I've seen myself feeling like I lack some proper mannerisms or, that I've somehow broke invisible social rules they expect you to know about.
Yeah, it sucks that we have medical doctors (who claim to be a licensed professional) will ALWAYS somehow run you under secondhand protocols (that term is when they see your medical problems and assume that no tests are needed, so they lean towards assumptions or last guesses after they've run tests (spoiler alert: they didn't give you a second thought), I often see it as them not wanting to put in effort, but wants their paycheck. It's rare if a doctor even considers tests, it's another if they vow to listen and help you, and that's once in a blue moon, and only SLIGHTLY more common if they diagnose you, but there's a chance they're wrong, and... where I live? If you have further concerns, you gotta wait 6 months. Augh.
I'm trying my hardest, though! 😄 Thank you for replying! ... Do you thank people for replying to you? I know it's a thing to send a thank you message or card for a gift.
Do you have easy access to a library, Kindle, Libby, Hoopla, etc? I Can give you recommendations <3
You’re doing a fine job <3 Please don’t worry about what we think, your spelling or grammar or mannerisms or anything else <3 We just want you free of fear, able to express your feelings, feeling safe and loved. That’s all that matters to us <3
Yeah, specialists take forever to get an appointment lol
You’re welcome! Yes, you can say thank you hehe
@jesusredeemedme2425 Ooo, recommendations? I don't exactly have easy access to a library (like I used to 😭) Unless I'm unaware of one right now, but I'd still greatly appreciate them regardless, I'll find a way!
I always had this idea that I needed to heed a standard because it was almost like because of all the trauma I've had starting at just 5 years old, I observed the world from what felt like a less humane way, so if I saw a trend where a gesture made someone smile, I lean towards doing those gestures as if I was conditioned like they were... I view the world in such a weird way, I almost wonder if that has a name, or if that's just a matter of perspective.
I'm glad to know! I'm definitely feeling more comfortable being myself here as of lately, so that may be a good sign! 😊
First, download Hoopla and Libby. Both are free :)
What kind of books are you into? :)
Do you have LFLs in your area?
Tbh… Sounds a little like autism. I observed and mimicked others to appear normal. But it might just be a response to trauma <3
What brought you to 7Cups? How long have you been here? <3
@jesusredeemedme2425 I'm not honestly quite sure if It's inherently autism in nature? It does sound an awful like it now that you mention it, but trauma can most definitely affect you in that way.
I don't honestly know if we have LFLs?? Although my partner just informed me there is indeed a local public library, so we might look into that. 😊 I'm currently in the process of obtaining the particular apps however.
I personally love reading into anything! I do avoid certain authors, but other than that, I'm open-minded to any kind of book genre, as long as it's thought-provoking, story driven, and/or interesting. 🙂
I think I was initially doubting 7cups, but I took a closer look after suffering quite a bit, moreso alone than I am nowadays, and figured if I had to make any move towards improvement, it'd be climbing towards finding a support group, or finding any amount of support eitherwise. My life used to be so much harder some years ago, especially last year. FInding people to talk to really helps. Besides, I love being able to spread positivity and sharing my own gratitude for even the smallest things, so making others happy and feeling supported has always been one of my biggest goals as well.🤗
Love is a wonderful reaction to trauma. <3
Ok, download the Little Free Library app too, and see if you have anything nearby! <3
Get a library card next time you leave the house <3
I just finished “Under the Egg”, as well as “The Residence” and “The Book Whisperer” <3
Which authors do you avoid?
Why were you doubting 7Cups?
I’m glad you made it <3
@jesusredeemedme2425 I thought so as much. 😊
I actually managed to find an LFL nearby, but as to answer if it's in a safe area... I'll have to see, but there's a good chance I might be able to check it out soon.
I tried to get a library card online, but that process is pretty tedious, so I'm hoping it's easier if I went to the particular public library we have. 🙂
Those are some pretty good ones! I have did have my own wishlist, but for books I found interesting! I actually have a copy of "The Blue Castle" by L.M. Montgomery I'm awaiting to read at some point when I get the chance! 😊
I think as for the authors I avoid, I usually avoid ones who're highly controversial, or if their value's don't match mine, but I find that as a matter of opinion. Some I can think of are: Colleen Hoover (her books contain triggering topics I personally dealt with in the past, and I'm incredibly imaginative as a reader, so it wouldn't be the best idea.) It's hard for me to say if I can recall anyone else, but I usually don't prefer certain topics more than anything.
I think I largely doubted a lot of sites due to my past with bullying, harassment... various other things I've gone through that lead to me to having physical, and emotional scarring. Leading me to trust issues, so it had little/nothing to do with 7cups, but my personal gripe with trust, though that's starting to heal.
I'm glad I made it, too. 🤗 (Also, apologies for the late reply, I fell asleep. 😅)
Please remind me to respond later when I have time :) I might forget lol! I have the memory of a goldfish XD
I’m glad you’re here. <3
Sounds good! Take a book with you to share <3
I hope you can enjoy the library soon! Libraries ROCK <3
What’s that about?
I just finished Surprise Island :)
I have to be really careful with triggers too.
I feel it. I have a ton of trust issues, too. Especially with men…
No worries, I’m here whenever you’re ready. No rush to respond <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
just everyday fights with my parents to let them completely control . i get too anxious they just want to force me to be with them all the time but i just want to be alone even before breakfast i got warned if you will not do things as they want they will just leave me like a tenant in my own house i just need my own space without any fights
@jesusredeemedme2425 concerned and bothered that someone I know would create an ai that just bashes people in a not-so-helpful way. I get wanting to create something and being able to say I trained it to think like a human, but you have to draw the line with allowing it to analyze chat history and telling someone that they are an exhausting human being, how terrible you treated the person you are friends with because what if you did really nice things for that person, cared, showed up for them during tough times, weren't perfect but you put in effort and now u have this ai telling you well your just the problem and whatever. It's actually offensive when you really think about it lol. And then for the friend who created it to send u all of the good things it said about them?..idk it just hasn't sat well with me after I got to communicate with this ai thru text messaging. the more I have thought about it, the more concerning it becomes.
@amusingWest5360 I also don't understand where the desire to create something that says mean things come from or if it's just the kind of person I am that wouldn't do that? idk.
Can you report it so it gets deleted?
@jesusredeemedme2425 he doesn't share where its is so I can't
Getting through my first ever heartbreak
Finding out that I failed my finals
Getting through the death of my two dogs
Getting through the death of my grandma
I need to go to therapy to deal with the breakup and the losses I’ve been suffering
I need to study and get ready for the exams, which I don’t want to do at all
Need to learn how to manage my anxiety and overthinking for this life
@quickwittedHouse8347 sending you love and hugs, sorry that youve gone through so much 💜 I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma and your dog, condolences and I hope you get the help and support you need here 💜🥰
@jesusredeemedme2425 color brunette me bad white me good pretty me white brunette me bad attachment diamond ring castle paris th go away let go onfusion go away cleaning mom confusing anxity in throat comapre sisters check hands colors kinckles dove serum vitaminc c sunscreen
After all these years of trying to be loved by others the way I love people, I'm tired. I'm tired of not getting the same that I give to others. I often feel lost and hopeless. As I'm getting older each day I feel I'm running out of time when I see people ahead in their lives at very young age than what I am, Having all that I dont have. I feel like I'm jus an admirer the whole life seeing things I never had. I had hopes on life till my earlier that some day i would have the life i dreamt of,but now I've lost hope on life and I don't understand why I'm put on earth when I don't even live the life I want. I feel pathetic.
@summeratheart you are not pathetic, you are not a reflection on others inaction, you matte and you deserve kindness and love and you have been surrounded by the wrong people! 💜🥰
@jesusredeemedme2425
I feel apathy towards me from this world.
Inside feel like a storm, thoughts paralyzing me, fog covering my mind, uncertainty making me gasp for air - chaos. I long for a moment of stillness amidst this mess inside of me... but the world is aloof. Ironically it demands more from me. It compels me to move on with it. Everyday I'm holding myself together with at most strength to show up to world. I carry a little hope-today is not the same-things will align with my inner self. Only then a flick from the world breaks apart all that I've been holding. I yearn for an embrace in which I can be broken. Can't the world see me. Oh it's blind.
@sisyphus999 welcome to seven cups 💜🥰 and I genuinely hope that you find the peace that you are looking for 🥰
So, time management doesn't feel like it's been on my side right now. Or in the past year and a half. I've been struggling with balancing schoolwork and hobbies. I do feel a bit better now since it's summer but, it's still very hard since I have AP assignments and online classes. It feels as if I'm neglecting my hobbies and needs. I sometimes prioritize work too much that I end up hurting my body one way or another. I also don't eat as healthy as I should be. It's easier now but when I go back to school in the fall, it's going to be worse again since most of the things I eat at school are really unhealthy. I just wish that my load would become easier to manage but I don't know how to do that.
Oof honestly life has been okay and peaceful. I think I’m holding onto a lot “mind stuff” like for example I’m insecure about not having any motivation. I work part time and I’m working to be a teacher but the fear of failing is creating resistance. Honestly life isn’t too bad for me but the mind can be so strong. You can say oh well everyone fails but it’s so much deeper than that. It’s me challenging years of comfort masked as self sabotage. Subconsciously I crave something familiar so it’s easier to self sabotage and give up before failing because I don’t have faith in myself to get up after failure. But it’s baby steps. I’ll get there eventually.
