Brain dump- possible. **T.W**
Everything around me just seems to be passing... I can't seem to just let go of past... This feeling of being fake is still there... Confused about my emotions not sure if I deserve to be loved, or maybe I'm just being too hard on myself? This feeling of shame is just there... Always has been... Idk how to let go of this. Afraid of slipping back to where I was again. in those loops.... of being a complete - i don't know when this feeling of being an - will disssapare... Why do I have to live my whole life with this guilt. i just see all the bad things I did... I knew it was wrong... why did I do them to myself... Am I so untrustable? what was i thinking while doing them, well it doesn't seem to matter now that I've made mistakes... How can someone ever trust me? No! It's just me being hateful towards myself again. I'm just confused...and want to be accepted... I used to share so much... But now I just don't... It feels like if I share anything about that side of mine in depth no one would understand..... But i know it's not true... Someone here did listned to me and all my guilts and feelings and I felt a lot lighter... it's just that hope that's helping me... feel okay, I used to imagin myself being a gentle giant kind of person... 🙁 I could have just choose to do things normally like every other my age... could have had healthy ways to cope but i didn't. I just kept going deep, knew I was hurting still kept doing what I shouldn't and I can't seem to just forget and unsee them... I try to just forget those ever happened... 🙁 And want to move on... Be someone safe with a healthy mindset and give love, but what if someone asks me about my deep stuffs? I can never imagine being in a situation like that it would just hurt... It's so easy to type it all... When they ask why I'm sad, not eating... Low in energy, idk how to answer I just simply say I'm fine. It feels like I'm just not made for real life stuffs... And situations... I get nervous so easily... Family loves me but only I know if I deserve it or not. I'm afraid of ever being in a relationship... I feel like who tf would like someone like me, I used to think atleast I'm fun to be around but now that so called 'fun' seems fake. I don't enjoy things which I used to truly.... I feel like I should avoid any bad talks... I feel afraid of being not in control... I had a bad dream last night... I was questioning why ? just why that...
it's just one part, this year is so imp... I have imp exams, practicals and everything this year... I have so much to cover up and I'm just not doing what I should be doing. what will I answer if I don't pass well I can already imagine that... everything seems to be hard, it feels like I'm just writing down what the lecture says tryin to cover up... nothing seems to make sense! Idk what my future holds... I'm trying to just do what comes... not knowing where it'll end, I get distracted so easily as always... I don't want to just waste this year like every other, I feel like joke when I see myself giving others what they need but it feels like it's the only way I can have connection... with mates. Though I knew what I want to do in life.... But now it feels like I'm just not enough when I see reality of where I'm at.
I don't want to go back to that part... of mine 🙁 I want to be real with people around me, be someone safe to be around atleast.... I haven't had any urges this month... I feel like surrounding myself here with positive space is a helping... But sometimes I can't help but feel triggered and anxious... Idk what I'm doing but atleast it's not what I was doing before... I know it's not gonna be so easy 🙁 I'm afraid of being depressed... and no one to have around me knowing what's happening making jokes about it... or forcing me to spill things... It triggers me... I can't explain anything irl...last time my friends noticed me not being myself and my body moments... and one was forcing me to spill what's wrong I tried to avoid questions but I knew it's not gonna work... I almost broke down trying to explain what happening but words just didn't came out... I hated that moment of me trying to explain things. well I was not ready. Made me feel worst I realised I'm not capable of talking about these things in person to anyone. I'm afraid of being miss heard... they somehow saw my chats with listner that day when I was not paying attention 🙁 And that caused this that situation to happen... idk why I'm even bringing that here out of no where... I know they care about me... I just don't want to talk about these things... I just want to move on and forgive myself for them... and do better idk how I'm supposed to do it exactly... I'm not even sure if I can spend so much time here for long maybe I'll just be in breaks... Some days or weeks I wish I had enough peace and time to understand and heal better but seems not like a realistic thing to happen.... I'm just tired. with lack of interest, I feel disconnected... but also peace but idk how long this peace will last...sometimes it feels like it's all happening for a reason and it's just I don't deserve being loved and I don't like myself acting all normal and fun but sometimes it feels like the only way to not be questioned and heal in silence...
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@jesusredeemedme2425
@fossilfellow
It sounds you have so many swirling and confusing emotions inside you... So much anguish and built-up, hidden emotions. They feel bigger the more they hide away inside... Let them out. Share them. <3
Have you thought about starting a journal on 7Cups? You can write multiple times a day if you want. Just give yourself a space, and permission, to let it all out, vent, set it free. I promise... It will help. <3
*biggggg hugs* <3
@fossilfellow
You absolutely deserve to be loved!
You matter.
You deserve peace, healing and to see yourself as we do, kind, caring, always willing to post a good word especially if it eases someone's day 🥰💜
@Amanda84 ❤️❤️
@fossilfellow Hey Fossilfellow, your words show someone who's been through so much and is still trying, still hoping, even through all the confusion and fear. You’re not alone in feeling like you're living behind a mask or unsure how to explain what's happening inside... But those past actions don’t define the whole of you. They don’t erase your ability to grow or to be safe and gentle with others — or with yourself.
And you know what really stays with me? Even in the middle of your own chaos I’ve seen you drop kind words, hearts, little bits of light on other people’s posts. That’s not something a fake person does. That’s something a good person does. A real person. A soft hearted fossil fellow who still shows up, even when they feel broken. That matters.
You said “At least it’s not what I was doing before” — that’s not small. That’s huge. That’s change. Even if it feels slow. Healing doesn’t always feel like peace... sometimes it feels like chaos, like reliving pain. But it’s still healing. Even this — writing it out — is part of it.
You don’t have to earn love by being perfect or by hiding your pain behind jokes. You’re worthy of love as you are. And just because it's hard to talk in person... doesn’t mean you're incapable. It means you need time, safety and the right people. You’re not weak for needing that.
Take things one step at a time. One task. One moment. You’re not failing — you’re rebuilding. And even if you can’t believe in yourself fully right now.. I believe there’s a strong, kind, deeply real person in you — and that version is already showing.
You don’t have to do it all perfectly. Just gently. We all are here when you need a space to feel heard. No pressure. No judgment.
Take care <3
@azurePond Thank you❤️
@fossilfellow 
You're not alone and I can understand how you feel. You will get through this stronger than ever! Just remember that we're here for you. 💖💖
@Paliloveyourself ❤️
@fossilfellow I understand how you feel. Sometimes it's confusing and then we feel bad for what we've done in our past. We wish we can turn back time an back time to change the outcome. I'm like that too, if only I wasn't trusting people so easily back then, maybe I'll feel so much happier this year. For now I'm still learning to accept how it is and try to forgive myself, be kinder to myself. Some lessons learned, it's bitter but I'm sure I learned something.
I know it's not easy to let go of that past, they said time can heal and I believe that's true. There's hope in every situation, things will get better. Sending one big hug for you, we'll get through this! 🫂
@hopefulencounter ❤️❤️
@fossilfellow mistakes reform a heart in a way their absence could never have ---- this is my own philosophy that I arrived at after a lot of inner work.
I pray it resonates with you and you can show yourself compassion and make your lessons the source of your drive for the untainted future thats all yours to claim ♥️
@Creamyyy Thank you ❤️
