Craving for a supportive and kind voice :(

⚠️ Trigger Warning: Emotional distress, harsh environment, fear, feelings of worthlessness, and loneliness.

Hi everyone. I hope you’re doing good today. 💜

I don’t really know how to begin this, because my thoughts feel tangled and my heart feels heavier than words can carry. But I’ll try.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m living two lives at the same time. On the outside, I smile, laugh, and act cheerful. On the inside, I feel like I’m slowly breaking apart in silence. I keep telling myself that my pain doesn’t matter, that my struggles are too small to be spoken about, so I keep everything buried within me.

People ask me why I don’t open up, why I pretend. The truth is, whenever I try to share, it ends with regret. I feel questioned, misunderstood, or judged. And afterward, I wish I had never said anything at all. So I’ve learned to stay quiet, because silence feels safer than being misunderstood.

These days, I can’t even sit alone for a moment. The silence isn’t peaceful anymore. It feels loud, overwhelming, and accusing. It feels like it’s reminding me of everything I’m trying to run away from. I find myself using Cups just to distract my mind, because being alone with my thoughts feels unbearable.

The people closest to me speak words that hurt more than they realize. There is so much harshness around me that I feel like I’m reaching a breaking point. Their words don’t fade after they are spoken. They replay in my mind again and again, like an echo I can’t turn off.

I’m constantly blamed. Constantly compared. Every small action of mine feels like it’s being watched and judged. I can’t argue back. I can’t defend myself. I respect them, and in many ways, I love them. So I swallow everything. And now, all of it is hurting me from the inside. My chest feels heavy every single day. Sometimes I even struggle to eat because of how overwhelming it feels.

These comparisons have slowly taken away my confidence, my faith in myself, and my sense of worth. I live in constant fear, fear of when I will be blamed next, fear of what I will be blamed for, fear of not being enough no matter what I do. I feel ashamed of myself for simply existing.

There is a fear inside me that never leaves. Not even for a second. I don’t feel rest. I don’t feel peace. I don’t even feel empty. Just a constant restlessness that follows me everywhere. I find myself being afraid of everyone.

I don’t see kindness, compassion, or empathy around me in my real life. My mom often tells me, directly and indirectly, that I am worthless, a disgrace, and a disappointment. My dad used to be the only place where I felt safe, but now even he seems disappointed in me. Their words don’t just hurt.... they sink deep into me and stay there. My days are filled with guilt, fear, and a heaviness I can’t describe.

I think I have become so used to cruelty that even a small kind word feels overwhelming to me.

I don’t know how to overcome this feeling. My chest feels like it’s burning from the inside. The sadness, the hurt, the emotional weight... it’s all stopping me from moving forward. I’m scared of what pain I might have to face next.

Will I ever get over this?

Will I ever feel genuinely loved?

Will I ever escape this deep, stubborn loneliness?

Will someone ever gently tell me,  It’s alright?

I’m honestly looking for advice even if it’s something my heart may resist hearing. more than advice, I’m simply craving kind, supportive words.

Even a few gentle words would mean more to me than you can imagine. 🤍