Feel like I'm sidelined by family
I tried to do something nice for my family. I reserved a hotel room and bought tickets to a water park for them. It wasy wife's idea and I agreed to it thinking it'd be a nice getaway for the is and the kids. I even took off from work. 4 days before our trip, my wife's sister decides to fly out my wife and kids to Hawaii to spend 1p days with her over there. Of course my wife jumped at the chance and agreed. Btw, I'm not going. Just her and the kids are. It happens to be on the very same day we planned our waterpark trip.....which is non-refundable btw. Of course, my wife didn't think twice about bailing ony idea and gaslit me into feeling bad about preventing them from going. So now stuck eating the cost of a trip we're not going on, so they can go have fun in Hawaii without me. I'm not rich. I don't have a lot of money so I can't afford to arrange a vacation to Hawaii for my family but of course, Everytime I try to do something nice, my wealthy in-laws have to put do it, makinge look bad, whether intentional or not. This isnt the first time something like this has happened. My in-laws constantly do stuff for my wife and kids, and everyone, I clouding them, makes me feel like a villain for not being cool with it.
@HereTodayGoneWhenever
You are not a villain. It is very passive aggressive for her family to try to undermine you over and over... While I can understand your wife and kids wanting to go to visit Hawaii, but they left you knowing trip you planned was nonrefundable.
It shows who they are trying to make you look bad. hold up your head high because you are showing who is the bigger person.
@HereTodayGoneWhenever
Oh no! You are not the villain here!
So I am not a therapist and don't know the best way to put it so I am going to just say what I think. Your disappointment and hurt are completely understandable. I don't know whether this was just a coincidence or if your inlaws do this regularly.. if it's the latter then they are seriously manipulative.
Also, if your in-laws can spring for several tickets to Hawaii on just four days notice (!)... this trip doesn't sound like a once in a lifetime opportunity for them. Your hurt feelings are understandable; when someone makes a commitment we expect them to follow through, even if something "better" comes along.
I just read this book called "Try to see it my way" which is about fairness in partnerships. There's a whole chapter on how loyalty to your original family can create conflicts and unfair treatment to your spouse. It sounds like your wife is struggling with that.
@HereTodayGoneWhenever. Don't have family, but my siblings do, almost all are wealthy. I cannot complete, although I make what used to be a good amount of money. They exceed me and for every thoughtful not so expensive gift from the Met or Spain seems less and less important. I can't imagine if you're wife has any empathy or support, I remeber the best family trips were the ones that went the most wrong. and weren't so glamours, long car rides and sleeping across each other. What I would give to go back to that. I'd trying to talk to your wife and girls about it, how it makes you feel, that way they at least know. Best I can do. Be grateful for a family and children.
Please stop giving away your resources that are hard earned to people who do not appreciate it. Yes, even in-laws and if need be your wife. I suggest a conversation with your wife about the tickets were non-refundable and how much it cost you and if need be set a boundary stating I will only purchase future trips if the plans are followed through on and not ditched when a better offer comes around.
@HereTodayGoneWhenever
I feel like I’m sidelined or left out by my family too. To me it’s like everyone else in the family are on one side and I’m all by myself on the other side or I’m left all alone on an island.
They harshly call me out on the same things they themselves do. I don’t understand it bc whenever I ask them about it which they keep telling me to they deny what I say instead of taking accountability.
Then if they have a partner/relationship that makes it more difficult bc their partner defends them and their actions, sides with them, supports them, etc.
Honestly I never deserved to go through this pattern the first time (first 40 years of my life) and definitely don’t deserve to go through it again so if I have to I’ll pack up and leave I’ll be out and won’t be back. I just don’t wanna live with this anymore.
