Handling Possibly Problematic Advice
I’m in the process of validating my parents and their experiences. I’ve also worked on myself so I don’t see advice from theirs as an attack over everything I’m doing wrong. But since my dad even said himself that emotions aren’t his specialty and even my mom isn’t perfect either, I thought I would run some things that have been said by them to determine if it’s worthwhile or not.
“A true measure of one’s character is how they handle hardships rather than only through good times.” - This has mainly been said by my dad. He has praised my resilience, as others have done, and my ability to be stronger than my struggles. However, this phrase has come at times when I’ve seemed bitter because of recent disappointments at work, mental health and friendships. So I occasionally suspect false positivity here and excuses to fake a smile instead of validate negative emotions.
“Cut them/us slack” - This has been said by both my parents when I’ve felt disrespected by someone’s bad moods or behavior. This is the more problematic of the mantras I’ve received. One time this came up when I texted a leader of a faith-based group and got annoyed with being stood up for a study of religious text when no one showed up because his father died that night, but I was the last person to know days later. More recently I got angry when my parents came to town to help me with purchasing a house but there were problems over them wanting me to replace my large truck with a smaller vehicle that can fit in local garages. I was slighted during their visit when dad told me not to say a word about another purchase in front of the realtor, then my mom treated me like an idiot when I told her trading my truck in is “putting money in a trash bin”, and then my parents called me weird for expressing displeasure to the realtor over her suggestions for a larger house so I can have room to grow with a wife and kids. The latter came about because I feel like I’m defined by others in the world only by my relationship status. Then instead of understanding me, my parents asked me to “cut us some slack”. My dad said the same thing about my boss when she’s been acting like a jerk at work, claiming I don’t know what my boss may be going through. I really think people just want to be harsh with me and allow them get away with things even as serious as crime, even if it negatively impacts me.
How should I treat these phrases? Is there any truth to them or just outdated bogus?
@Sasquatch254 I can understand where you're coming from...
Though I do believe there is some wisdom in the phrase about character in good vs. bad times. Sort of. It's not exactly black and white, from my experience. He might have been using a legitimate phrase to try to tell you that you are doing very well when most would have already crumbled.
Although, being told to "cut someone some slack"? I can see why that might seem dismissive. Especially if you're dealing with housing, and everyone made you out to be the weird one for not falling for an up-selling technique. You should be able to live your life your way. It really isn't the realtors business whether or not you have a bunch of kids, anyway.
I can understand being worried about being collectively dismissed and alienated, or just straight up treated unfairly. I like to think that becoming hard-headed about what we want or need eventually gains us the respect we desire, but it's something I'm still working on as well.
So... I hope I understood you correctly. I would feel really bad if I misunderstood any of it. Especially after I rambled at you, haha. I also hope you feel less alone in it. What's worse than just questioning your own perception is not knowing if anyone else sees it too.
@BusyBird
Thanks so much for your thoughtful response! Yes you understood me perfectly. Don't worry about the rambling since I'm here to seek validation in the first place and got it. Lol
I am glad that it's not just me getting more aggravated when being told to "cut someone some slack". Life is too short for me to keep letting people go scotch-free when I am already at a disadvantage. Your perspective over the realtor is really interesting. I never thought about how intrusive they were to pitch that technique on me, but it's true. I stay away from relationship statuses and kids as casual topics anyway not only for my sake, but for others who are insecure like people struggling with infertility. Makes me glad I am now done with them. Thankfully my parents have re-affirmed their stance a few weeks ago over there being no pressure on me to marry and have kids, so at least I have renewed support in that.
However, I am relieved over hearing that my dad likely meant the part over my resiliency as a compliment. He actually talked positively about that recently on some of the backpacking trips I went on with him when I was younger. Even though life has worn down on me, the psychologist who onboarded me for my current treatment praised that characteristic too.
@Sasquatch254 Awesome! See? People see that strength in you. Sometimes it just comes out a little wrong. 🙂
@BusyBird
Thank you so much for sharing that positivity! I have always struggled with focusing only on my weaknesses so this means a lot. Now that I have started doing things to help myself my own attitudes about these things have changed for the better.
@Sasquatch254 That sounds fantastic! I think it's really common to become your own worst critic. Especially if you have a lot of room to grow/improve. That's really good to hear that you're feeling better already! 😃
@BusyBird Thanks for following up! I agree with being my own worst critic since I am always evaluating previous interactions. I actually have been able to keep people in my life to counteract that too, which includes everyone on 7Cups.
@Sasquatch254 Yes! Who we surround ourselves with really helps! You're a natural 😁
@BusyBird
Wow that last part is really encouraging and something I don't hear too often in my maintenance of mental health! Thanks so much! May go down in my notes widget which serves as my journal like other things encouraging I've heard. Lol
Id say bogus , with all of my knowledge that i have.
If someone disrespects you, they have the chance n choice to reflect n apologize n grow from it. No ones perfect, even ones who promise change, slip, but how they get back up n if they do is whats important.
Have you ever heard of unsolstice advice? Perhaps thats why sometimes maybe one could get upset with advice. Uhm but honestly it seems like to me like theyre avoiding a little bit of feelings or dismissing?
My thing id like to say to you is build your trust with one self. Finding a safe space and trying to build trust with what you feel. And then seeing the ppl as how they are. Some ppl are confusing but if someone mistreats you or dismisses ur feelings chances are they are not safe emotionally. Finding support in humans that make you feel safe to express ur emotions and confusion or suspicion is the best thing for ourselves. Idk if u have a therapist if u do working on sum like self trust and self respect is very important. As in advocating for urself
If u advocate for yourself and the ppl dismiss it or become negative thats their burden to carry not urs and seeking emotionally safe ppl who can understand and have capacity is probably what might be helpful. Dont believe what they say if it hurts you. You dint have to change cus someone cant see ur hurt or perspective and u deserve a stable support.
Dont stop advocating for yourself, and if you havent do try starting it slowly ✨
And ppl show how they handle conflict or distress differently it means nothing abt their fate in life or their personality. Everyone has oppurtunity to change it can be uncomfortable at times but its worth it and if they dont see it thats on them.
Hope this helps!
@berrycheesecake90
Yes this does help. Thanks so much!
I know about unsolicited advice because I have felt bad over receiving it like I don't know better, or feeling bad that I rejected it. Thankfully my parents don't regularly leave me invalidated, but even when they have it's been painful and left me confused about emotions/feelings for myself.
Good news is that I do agree with what my folks have said about developing my own confidence, support and trust since people generally don't do that for me. But yeah I have a therapist who has helped me with that. I have seen him for nearly 5 years but I finally have started appreciating him even more for his help. He also advocates to never take things personally. I'm glad to know that it's never been my problem with how people treated me badly like I outlined in that original post.
Yeh i see, well goodluck and wish u well ! 🍀
@Sasquatch254
Oh it is so painful to be invalidated and dismissed! I know, because I dealt with this for years. For myself, I established a few things to handle stuff like this. I hope that in sharing what helped me, you might be able to pick out some bits that help you.
One was to decide that I didn't want to live with the constant frustration of waiting for others to change. Because most of them won't. It's not fair or right, but they have told you what they believe and that is unlikely to change. As others have said, it's best to seek out those who do understand the value of validation and thus can provide the support we need.
Another was to learn self validation. We know what is right and wrong for us. We also know what we need. The best person to support ourselves is us! It revolutionised things for me to start trusting and believing in myself, so that I no longer needed the validation of others. You are good.
I heard a buddhist proverb I found really useful. It reminds us that if someone tries to give us a gift and we decline it, the gift remains the property of the giver and not ours to have anything to do with. I found this a really useful approach for unsolicited advice - to view it as a gift someone is trying to give me which I have every right to decline to receive. And in doing so, it remains theirs and nothing to do with me. I can move right on without it.
And I learnt about handling triggers. As I wrote before, hoping that others will change, tends to harm ourselves with frustration. Learning to chose what to do with those triggers is helping me get on with my life without being so affected by them.
Of course, this is what helped me. Might be of no help to you whatsoever. But if nothing else, I hope you can take from this that you are not alone and your irritation is valid.
Best wishes
@Clio9876
This post is wonderful. Thanks so much for validating me and sharing what works for you! I can use all of the above to help myself too.
I have actually done a few things to stop waiting for others to change, which has reduced resentment on my end related to expectations. For example, when my dad has told me a few times throughout the years he is not the best with feelings for himself or others, I have started sharing topics like this with my friends instead. Now at most when I spend time with my parents, I try to only text my mom if I want advice over feelings and use my dad for things like learning how to be a homeowner, using tools, and music we enjoy. Although he has been understanding and validating over my fatigue with doctor's appointments and home buying.
Self-validation is something I've worked on too since that has allowed me to think more clearly over my needs and triggers as well as help me to be more practical. Now I've started journaling literally everything over these topics. Lol All of that has come about from spending time to myself and learning to be independent.
That proverb is really nice. It helps me to know that advice is really about the one giving it rather than the one receiving it. Most of the time at my age I know advice-givers are usually led by altruistic motives, but they are also sometimes influenced by experiences that are harder for me to relate to. So I can decline advice if I need, like returning a defective product.
I am always relieved to know I'm not alone in these feelings in a world that expects people to be like a brick wall. And thankfully irritation is still a feeling, which I am glad to know is valid like every other emotion. Thanks so much!
@Sasquatch254
Great! I'm glad it was helpful.
To be honest, it sounds like you are pretty clued in and will get there as you practice and find what works for you.
@Clio9876
It sure was! Thanks again. Now that I've prioritized personal space and reflection I have found new solutions and have tried harder not to stray from them like I did when I moved back in with my parents, dealt with the pandemic, and then struggled with my return to in person work.